Monthly Archives: September 2009

Wild Card Red Sox: Backwards Ass Clinch

You think Jason Bay is starting to enjoy this whole champagne shower thing?

You think Jason Bay is starting to enjoy this whole champagne shower thing?

While I would like to say that that was some new type of sexual position tried out to celebrate the Sox making the playoffs, it is not, but rather how the Sox got in, thanks to the Angels beating the Rangers last night. The Sox have lost five straight, but who gives a shit; We’re in the playoffs Goddammit. Just keep repeating the mantra, ““Beckett and Lester are fine. The Sox are in the playoffs.” and remember that Buck got all of his shitty out last night, and Beardzilla is holding onto his clutch hits for October.

Go Sox.

Done.

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Artificial Turf: Almost the end of the beggining; Patriots 2-1.

Patience sucks. And in New England we’re waaaay bad at it. But in Sports, there are designated projection periods that you can’t get too worked up during. The first 4 games of the NFL season is one of those periods. (Unless you start 0-3… then week 4 is a must win and if you lose, you can start thinking about getting that 3 year old draft-pick backup some reps.)

Matt Light (background) is getting back to form little by little.

Matt Light (background) is getting back to form little by little.

The Patriots are enjoying a 2-1 platform even while enduring the loss of 3 out of 4 of starting linebackers from last year and our leading reception getter (No idea what’s up with Welker’s knee). Additionally, Tom Brady is only operating at about 85%, Matt Light is playing left tackle like a pair of crotchless panties and no one really knows what’s up with Wilfork either.

First things first, we can all take it easy about Brady until week 7, because that is how many weeks it will take him to be back to Brady-Esqu form, any worry before then is premature freakage. Judging from last Sunday’s decisive but unsatisfying win over the Falcons, Brady’s deep balls are only about 8 inches away from perfect, in the NFL that’s the size of one cornerback hand, and that has been the difference. The Randy Moss drops are 8 inches away from perfect… and we all know it can be done.

The forced but pleasant emergence of Julian Edelman as a slot receiver has done wonders considering the baffling blunder that is Joey Galloway. You can go ahead and look for Joey soon at your local McDonald’s drive through commenting on the quantity of fries you have ordered. It was recently pointed out to me that we probably could have Marvin Harrison for the same money… Just a thought.

The best thing they can do is keep calling those “shot” plays and know that all will be adjusted by the second half of the season.

The very good Fred Taylor.

The very good Fred Taylor.

The running game is shaping up too. Even with Lawrence continuing to be plagued by nagging leg injuries (sissy pants), Fred Taylor is doing his best Fred Taylor impersonation, last week going for a big boy’s 125 and a Six. He is so much more explosive than I had thought he would be, and is a great medium gainer. As soon as he can get his shoulders squared up to the line of scrimmage and take one full stride through a gap, he’s good for 7 yards. Great veteran acquisition.

If the big uglies on D can keep holding it together for us, which they’ve done despite lack of depth at almost every position, The Patriots will head into their 8th week bye at 4-3 with a healthy Vince Wilfork and a healthy Jerod Mayo. They will then beat the Dolphins at home in week 9 and go 6-2 in the second half; 11-5, playoff bound.

Put it on the board.

The 3-0 Fantasy Football Standout: StartMattCassel

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Red Sox Magic Number: 1 – Losing Never Felt So Meaningless.

Kevin Youkilis celebrating the Red Sox Magic Number.

Kevin Youkilis celebrating the Red Sox Magic Number.

I’m on doctor’s orders to not freak out until the playoffs start, so I’m ignoring last night’s crap fest and just repeating the mantra, “Beckett and Lester are fine. The Sox are in the playoffs.” This, along with repeated viewings of the Tebow hit (I really shouldn’t hate him because he’s a great leader, pretty tough and isn’t going to have much of an NFL career,but something about the guy just makes me want to see him get destroyed. Maybe it’s the Jesus stuff), keeps me from angrily destroying stuff, increasing the size of my ulcer, or convincing my Fiancee that I am completely insane and she shouldn’t marry me. At least for one week.

Go Sox.

Done.

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Tim Tebow Gets Crushed: A hit so hard even God is YouTubing it.

Keep your eyes on the Quarterback. Even for a guy that’s on my Irrational Hatred List… this is a lot. If you’re looking for a drinking game… take a sip every time the announcer says, “Tim Tebow.”

And… of course… a close up:

Wow.

StartMattCassel

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Red Sox Fans Can Step Back From The Ledge. Francona Knows What He Is Doing.

Step Back, you'll be O.K.

Step Back, you'll be O.K.

Remember a week ago today, after the Pats lost to Tubbo and the Jets, how everybody was either going to slit their own throats or completely ignored it knowing that the Pats had to lose at some point? Well that’s how Sox fans feel today, after they got swept out of the Asshole of the Universe this weekend and had to watch as the Yankees celebrated clinching the AL East. It sucked, but everything is going to be O.K. because the Sox are going to make the playoffs sometime this week (the magic number is two).  The weekend might have felt like getting your junk slammed in a car door for three days, but in the end it’s going to be OK.

What did Youkilis have to say about the Yankees win? Per Extra Bases: “I don’t care, I want to get into the playoffs. Once we get there, it’s a whole other game.” If you think these guys aren’t focused, you’ve got another thing coming.

Still Really Good.

Still Really Good.

The important thing to remember is that the Sox didn’t lose this weekend because the Yanks had a better team, they lost this weekend because instead of going full tilt for the division, they chose to get ready for the Postseason. The Yanks wanted to close it out at home, and were willing to go all out to do it, but the Sox laid back, rested guys and threw Paul Byrd to stack up the roatation. That’s because Tito, Theo and all those who are making the decisions know that this weekend didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. The Sox are going to clinch their trip to the playoffs as soon as tonight especially with Cleveland and Toronto coming into town. After that it’s all about how they are stacked up for the playoffs. With a Playoff rotation of Lester (who will be fine to get a tune up before starting game 1), Beckett, Buchholz, and Matsuzaka, and a lineup anchored by Victor, Bay, and Youk, not to mention the 2008 AL MVP, the Sox are in pretty good condition.

Step back from the ledge, take a deep breath, and enjoy the stretch. You can start freaking out again next Wednesday.

Go Sox.

Done.

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Artificial Turf: Week Three NFL Picks. We Suck Only Slightly Less Than The Lions.

detroit-blows

Fav LIne Dog SMC Done
At NYJ -2.5 TEN TEN TEN
At HOU -4 JAX HOU HOU
At PHI -8 KC PHI KC
At BAL -13.5 CLE BAL BAL
NYG -6.5 At TB NYG NYG
Wash -6.5 DET Wash Wash
GB -6.5 At STL GB GB
At Minn -7 SF SF Minn
At NE -4.5 ATL ATL NE
CHI -2.5 At SEA CHI CHI
NO -6 At BUF NO NO
At SD -6 MIA MIA SD
PIT -3.5 At CIN PIT PIT
DEN -1.5 At OAK OAK OAK
At ARI -2.5 IND ARI IND

Monday Night Football Line

At DAL -8.5 CAR CAR CAR
    Totals: 6-9-1 6-9-1

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Balls Deep In Jeter’s Ass.

Courtesy of Cut From Little League:

The Magic Number is down to three, Clay looked good last night (with his insanely hot Fiancee and her family in attendance), even with a head cold, and Ortiz is looking dangerous just in time for October. After salvaging (the first time i typed that it came out as salvagina, and I thought it was funny) a split with the Royals, which I can’t believe I’m happy about, the Sox roll into the Yank tonight for a preview of the ALCS. Should be fun. Oh, and F#$% A-Rod.

Go Sox.

Done.

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