When Do I Ask The Red Sox To Just Kick Me In The Junk And Save Us All The Time?

You don't know when to quit, do ya Griswold?... Here's an idea: Why don't you give me half the money your were gonna to bet, then we'll go out back, I'll kick you in the nuts, and we'll call it a day!

This season is starting to remind me of Clark Griswold’s experiences at the blackjack table in Vegas Vacation (the most underrated of the Lampoon movies). Every time I think there is a glimmer of hope, out come the old (pre-2004) Red Sox to knock me back to Earth. Each of the starting pitchers have had great outings, but then come back the next time out and sucked worse than Caddyshack 2. The bullpen has been at turns amazing and incredibly sorry, with Delcarmen (holy crap) actually emerging as one of the most reliable options out there (Bard is still giving up too many gopher balls), and Alan Embree being seriously considered for a return engagement.

We suck sooooo bad.

The offense, including last night’s 13 run outburst, has been as perplexing and fallible as people said it would be but in a different way. It seems that our pitchers need to suck in order to convince the offense to show up. Beckett gives up eight in three plus innings? Awesome, lets slam some douche all over the ballpark. Buchholz goes seven strong, not giving up any runs until his last inning of work? Nah, we’re not giving him anything. Can’t score in the bottom of the ninth in a tie game, but once the bullpen gives up three (I’m a big Tito guy, but that loss is on him for calling on Atchison instead of Delcarmen), we’ll push a couple across.

Yeahhh... You might as well put those goggles on eBay at this rate.

At this point, I’m kind of dreading the rest of the season. Don’t get me wrong, I’m gonna watch and live and die with this club just like I always have, but for the first time in a while I have truly no clue (I will not be spraying clue goo all over SMC) how it’s all going to turn out. This is a club that could come together and win the next 12 in a row without surprising anyone, but also lose the same dozen without most people batting an eye. Last night’s 25 run slugfest is case in point.

At this point, the team is in flux in more ways than one. Jacoby has been absent for what seems like years now, robbing the lineup of a guy who turns singles into doubles, etc. Wake is heading to the bullpen and pissed about it, while this random Japanese guy who SMC has a crush on tries to prove that he’s not entirely useless. There is no power in the lineup, Victor and J.D. both suck, and Darnell Effing McDonald is legitimately the hottest hitter on the club.

I feel an ulcer coming on.

Go Sox.


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