Author Archives: startmattcassel

In other fat white guys news… The Rocket is a Liar

In a karmic boomerang of congressional action, Roger “I didn’t Do It” Clemens has been indicted for perjuring himself before congress. [Insert dirty joke about doing something to himself in front of congress here.]

All Natural.

Well, Roger… don’t you feel stupid. You’ve proven once again the old adage, it’s not the deed that does you in, it’s the lie you tell about it.

I remember thinking, while his boob of a lawyer, Rusty Overbill, was advising him to deny, deny, deny, that someone should get in this guy’s ear and tell them to make up a much better story about his trainer boosting his wife with B12 shots… and further more… that this dude is gonna fry someday soon.

Well, sports fans, that day of fryalation is at hand. The Wall Street Journal has reported Clemens’ indictment on six counts of perjury. It’s gonna get realllllly expensive from here on out for Mr. Clemens. Just think, every single pro athlete that pointed their finger at congress, telling them, “let me be clear,” or “make no mistake…” is not either in jail, in a foreign country, sans Olympic metals, or paying ridiculously high legal bills.

Guys in white suits always get themselves covered in sh!t.

Even the great chauvinist, Rick Pitino, who tactfully forced himself on some cocktail waitress in a dark bathroom somewhere, and then paid her to get an abortion (condoms are sooo 1990’s), said, “If you do something bad and lie about it, it becomes a part of your future. If you do something bad and tell the truth, it becomes a part of your past.”

SMC

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All this Ronaldo crap for nothing? Spain defeats the Pretty Boys 1 to Nil. (But don’t worry, the Spaniards are pretty too.)

Back to the beach. Does he really give a sh!t?

As Portugal fell to the more creative feet of the Spanish on Tuesday, I found myself fairly unsatisfied by the efforts of the Portuguese. We’ve had this Ronaldo guy so built up by media attention and YouTube footage of the gyro ball, and he came to the World Cup for a crappy slop goal in a 7, nil romp of Kim Jong Il’s North Korean team and an early exit in the round of 16. Granted, the road for a Portuguese cup was treacherous, drawing a group containing Brazil and the Ivory Coast, the Ronaldons scored 7 against N. Korea and not a single goal against Ivory Coast, Brazil and Spain. My Middle Eastern connection tells me Ronaldo has taken to both forms of white girl.

But frankly, the team from Portugal just fell flat against a much more crisp Spanish squad. Cristiano Ronaldo was, as Martin Tyler put it, “A case study in indignation.” He didn’t help his cause for 50/50 calls, basically rolling around on the ground for a about 30 seconds each time a call didn’t go his way.

Carles Puyol says, "Hello."

The Spanish, lead by the skilled foot of David Villa, simply out classed a weaker and seemingly less motivated opponent. I will also add that the ugliest man in soccer, Carles Puyol, anchored an unbreakable defensive back line for the team in Red, Spain, and fellow defenseman/wingback Sergio Ramos (the best attacking defensive player in the Cup) was to much for the Portuguese to cope with as he made constant runs up the right side of the pitch. [Insert poop joke here].

And speaking of pretty boys, The Americans, of course; I believe the world cup has exposed the difference between a true top tier soccer country and the United States. England played not one solid minute of English Football, their best defensive player was out of the tournament and Wayne Rooney, one of the World’s best, didn’t find his form in any game. The United States, at pretty much full strength, played as well as I expected them to, gave us glimpses of glory and soccer arousal, and brought an entire market to the sport. Both teams: clipped in the round of 16.

Has US Manager Bob Bradley taken this team and program as far as he can? Is it time for a new regime? Is there a better American out there?

SoccerMattCassel

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Litterally the best thing that happened this weekend…

Chips?

There's an App for that.

StartMattCassel

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…and to the French, Thank You for being so F#$%ing French.

Pardon me, Nick, would you mind taking this yellow pole and sitting on it for me? And then go home.

You arrogant, slovenly, smelly, frog eating sissy nannys. And on that you can quote me. After Star Striker Nicholas Anelka (who is surprisingly only playing in his first ever World Cup) mouthed off to his Frenchy coach, Raymond Domenech, he was sent home. Then the next day, the girly named French Captain, Patrice Evra (sounds kinda hot, right?) gets into a pre training scuffle, walks off the field and the whole team refuses to practice. Coach Domenech, btw, has already been fired, previous to the cup. So he came into this gig knowing he was off to Frenchy soccer heaven directly following no matter what. Like a Frenchmen would ever rise to that occasion and go out like a winner, or a man. Freakin’ pleeeease.

Up your butt, The French.

The French should be absolutely embarrassed by their own behavior and they should just all go home. And since they aren’t doing that, because of said Frenchness, FIFA President Joseph S. Blatter should just ship their asses home. But, alas, he is Swiss. Good luck getting him to take a stand. No wonder he makes a great President for the world’s most international sports organization.

You see this dude right here? I wanna party with this dude. And I want his soccer team to obliterate the French.

So that was yesterday, and today they have a game. Against the Home Town Bafana Bafana, which I just learned by googleing it is a term of endearment bestowed upon them by the fans that translates as, “The Boys.” And so to the French I say, thank you. thank you for your commitment to being arrogant on a globally epic level, for being even bigger prima donnasĀ  than even the sissiest of NFL quarterback (and also Terry Glenn), and for your never-ending search for the next level of doucherdom. Because of this, one of the coolest things that could have happened in this World Cup is on the brink of possibility: If Uruguay or Mexico (who play each other) win by 3 and The Boys beat the Frogsplunkers, then Bafana Bafana will advance to the Round of 16. And with the confidence and warmth that South Africa continues to instill in us, if you put them in the knockout stage (in the immortal words of Jake Taylor) they may just win the whole fucking thing.

Not bloody likely… but anything to hate the French on a Tuesday.

And oh ya, the US plays Algeria tomorrow. Win and we’re in. We didn’t travel 4 zillion miles or spend 4 gabillion dollars shoving soccer marketing down the throats of Amurrica for us not to get a dubya. Eff that capitalist hating Mali ref, just take the pitch and win the freakin soccer game. Otherwise, you’re gonna be like post olympic NHL it and I will never buy your stupid video games again.

Congrats. You're not a fag anymore. (And before anyone gets all up in arms about that comment, it is reference to South Park and carries no conotation regarding sexual orientation, Red Dog.)

SoccerMattCassel

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Well Sh!t

That all totally sucked.

SMC

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Celtics Need Big Fans Tonight… BIGGGGG FANS

That would be Kendrick Perkins in the sportcoat... Not Good to have him watching from sidelines tonight. We need two things, Rasheed Wallace and a TON of points.

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Not good to Kiss your Sister, especially if she’s Brittish, but we celebrate the draw nonetheless.

Dempsey, who scored against England, is at the end of almost every single hard foul. Apparently... he's not roundly loved outside of the US.

The American Footballers kicked off the 2010 World Cup by nicking a point of a draw with the unlikable Brits. By earning a point, we are well positioned to be well positioned. After the Slovs took out Algeria on a 1, nill winner, they sit atop the Group C with 3 points. The Americans must not lose the remainder of the group stage and another draw would mean our fate would rest on the feet of another country’s performance.

After an early goal off the foot of Steven Gerrard, England’s premier Attacking Midfielder, Clint Dempsey’s range tester in the 39th minute squeaked by England’s unsure goaltender to find the back of the goal webbing in what would be our only goal, leading to the 1, 1 split.

Tim Howard, the American Keeper, took Man of the Match honors after preventing 17 of England's 18 shots from counting.

The Stars and Stripes play next on Friday. Cheer hard.

SMC

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