Category Archives: Artificial Turf

Day After Patriots’ Draft Picks Begin Arriving in Foxboro, Bill Puts Adalius’ Head on Fencepost Next to Weight Room.

The news out of Foxboro this morning is that outside linebacker Adalius Thomas has been cut from the Patriots. This opens a roster spot for one of the 12 drafted rookies (plus any additional undrafted rookie free agents, of which the Patriots are currently signing 6, 7 or 8 depending on who’s reporting.)

Adalius Thomas, on top, has a bit of a thing for bare midriffs, he explains to former asshole Jet, Brett Favre.

The Thomas move should come as a surprise to absolutely no one. Thomas signed a big huge 5 year deal in 2007 after Ray Lewis had inflated his stats for the 2 previous seasons. The word is Adalius just didn’t get and so an example was made of him. Personally, I’m wondering why we didn’t package him into a deal on draft day and get an additional 2nd rounder or multiple middle round picks… C’est La Vie.

Also, in the “It’s Never Too Early” category… The Patriots have two 1st Round picks and Two 2nd Round picks in 2011.

More to come on this years Patriot’s draftees and UDFAs as I sift through their police reports.



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Broncos Make Deal With Devil

Broncos trade up to 24, McDaniels selects Tim Tebow.

Jesus Christ: Not pictured here.


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Artificial Turf: 2010 NFL DRAFT EDITION; “Dolphins keeping up with the Jets,” Patriots in Deep Purgatoric Catatonisism.

This Fat Bitch has made his team a lot better.

As our divisional foes south and southerer of us continue acquiring pieces to their generally bettering puzzles, the Patriots remain mum in the free agent market. In New York, aging HOF fixtures Jason Taylor and LaDainian Tomlinson have been RexBeaten into Manhattan (their an effing team from New Jersey, why is nobody else offended by their ‘NY’ headline) and Miami has added Brandon Marshall in a deal with Denver (Marshall is like… crazy good.)

Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. Just don't f#$%ing trade down.

But alas… the rust continues to build on the once prolific 2007 Patriots offense and the skills of the defensive additions continue to ebb and flow… lots wells, not enough swells. We did add Torry Holt to the receiving corps… The now 33 year old pulled in 51 balls in Jacksonville last year for 722 yards.

Tonight, finally, is the NFL Draft, the most exciting and most entertaining Professional draft. I love the new format and as we look ahead to tonight and tomorrow night in particular, I’ll be paying excruciating attention to Patriots picks… because we really need some Blue Chippers.

Belichick loves this guy. No Homo.

The Pats have the most picks in the AFC; enough to bring in an entire side of the ball, plus a kicker. (Twelve picks.) The 22nd overall and then three more in the 2nd round. No 3rd rounders but we have another surge of picks, seven, in the 6th & 7th round. Generally this wouldn’t mean squat, but even with the suck bags the Patriots have blown high picks on during the Belichickian Era, they are SNIPERS with their late round picks, Alla Julian Edelman… and Tom Baby Making Brady.

The Patriots last 5 First Rounders have been (off the top of my head… so in no particular order): Mankins, Maroney, Marriweather… Watson… and… Mayo. Mayo, Mankins and Merriweather are pretty freakin good, not to mention Big Vince Wilfork in 2004.

We need lots of those. And keep in perspective, as you watch tonight’s draft: This draft is waaaaaay deep. Almost every prospect slated to go in this year’s second round would have been solid late First Rounders last year. And we have 3 picks tomorrow night. So pay attention.


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Artificial Turf on The Oscars: …Sunday Night Football would be better I guess…

Who paid? ..... You paid. The 3-year Wilfork deal was the answer to a question I wasn't really worrying about right now.

Football free agency aside, although let me just say, as a Patriots fan, it must be cool to live in a city that’s actually doing something to make their team better…

But I digest.

Ze Golden Doutche

The Oscars will be rife tonight with self entitled political pretension and a general sense of faulty assholeish (and therefore ironic) condescension. I will be monitoring the ceremonies this evening in between something sports related for tonight’s biggest douches.



Mozel Tov Christoph, you are America's favorite Nazi.


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Sex Addicts Anonymous: Super Bowl Champs Edition

Steve Phillips: In the Strange.

Second things first: I just turned on ESPN to see a clip of Baseball Analyst Steve Phillips explain that he just got out of the same Mississippi Sex Clinic as Tiger and tell us all about the first step, “that he is powerless over his disease and his life became unmanageable.” I mean… come on. Anyone who is familiar with last call and the end of a Johnny Walker bottle has found themselves powerless over their life. Does this make us all sex addicts? No. No it doesn’t. It means that when Steve Phillips makes it rain at C Folds he doesn’t just stop at the “Light Touching Mezzanine,” he goes straight to the Champagne room where all the rumors are true.

And another thing (Sports Center is still on…) Is Dana Jacobson the real Sasquatch? Seriously… she’s a monster. She could have played the tall one from Deuce Bigalow.

But I digest…

This is not a funny picture or caption.

Eff you Colts, Eff you Jim Caldwell, Eff you Peyton Manning and Eff you Indianapolis. Watching the Saints win the Super Bowl was just perfect. Though it was a soft year in commercials, I personally supplemented my normal commercial watching routine with an abnormal excess of eating and drinking.

To be completely honest with you the reader, (I’m watching you), I didn’t watch a ton of the game. I was immediately defeated by the 10-0 Colts burst to begin the game and may have had one to many comforting libations,  and with every second of tedium that ticked by while The Who played their old white guy medley, Freeney’s shredded Schilling ankle got tighter and tighter to the point that it was simply unusable in the second half. As the 3rd Q progressed, the Saints were simply more and more dominant.

Go Nuts, World. We are gonna party.

The most exciting moment of the game for me was Tracy Porter’s INT. He was just so clearly prepared for that play and might as well have been inside the heads (and bodies) of Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne. As Porter sprinted towards the endzone, 6 points in-hand, and pointed to the stands as the flash bulbs went crazy, this chemical reaction happened and everyone in my living room went crazy.

Warren Sapp, in fact, celebrated by posting bail on charges that he choked a hooker. True Story.

There were no more holdouts after that, from that moment forward, the entire country knew the right team was winning. There’s something inside all of us that wants to be a Saints fan. The combination of values and partying that the Saints stand for simply inspires us as fun loving Americans.

The image of Super Bowl Champion and MVP Drew Brees standing on the podium with his son raised above his head as the confetti and cheers rained down on both of them is the sports moment of eternity and New Orleans should be not only INCREDIBLY hung over, but very proud of their team. It wasn’t cheesy, it was awesome.

Go New Orleans and Go Drew Brees.

And Go Katfish.


The Best.


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Plenty to Hate about National Signing Day

There isn’t much to say about National Signing Day that hasn’t already been scathingly reported… It’s unnecessary hype that has been unnaturally put upon a bunch of high school student athletes (tons of which will be busts at the college level) that could only screw with their heads.

We are at an unfortunate crossroads with National Exploitation Day in that it has gained enough mass and independent gravity that it cannot be stopped. The day involves a bunch of remarkably oversized teenagers going in front of a zillion cameras, on the other side of which, is a completely degenerate mob of unorganically conjured viewership.

Eff national signing day.

That is all.


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With Pro Bowl and Media Days, Sport’s Most Boring Week… is still boring

Leinart Reign: No wait... that's just beer.

First, let me just recognize: Kurt Warner has retired. He’s a guy with a really cool story, from bagging groceries to leading the Greatest Show on Turf and even getting crushed by the Patriots in the Super Bowl… he’s a Hall of Famer. PLUS… his wife must know the nipple trick referenced in The Wedding Singer because he has been married to the same woman since entering the NFL, which is worth noting this day in age, especially because she is shades of Frankenwoman.

Matt Leinart: The Anti Tebow

And so fate has opened the door for the career of Matt Leinart, who after he was photographed groping two women (at the same time) in a New York night club after the Heisman Trophy presentation, went on Dave Letterman… not to deny it, but to tell the world the truth: “What? I’m in college and I was wasted.”

When asked of his girlfriend at USC, he indeed confirmed: “We’re not married.

He’s like… the Christina Aguilera of dudes.

It just gets better.

So that’s the coolest thing that has happened in the world of sports in the last 8 days… there are a few tide-me-over sports going on right now… the Celtics and the Bruins both suck right now… and in an effort to boost ratings for the Pro Bowl, Goodell moved the game to before the super bowl and declared it “Super Bowl Week”… but it just sucks outside. The Pro Bowl in general is just asinine. Not a single one of the NFL players are interested in actually playing the game… and 14 of the selected players weren’t even eligible to be there (they’re in the Super Bowl). They should just announce the Pro Bowl selections and send each one of them and their families to Hawaii for the week.

Chad Ochocinco: Snuggie, bitches.

Colts media day is currently in progress and the most exciting thing hasn’t happened yet… I am yet to see any representatives from the recently formed Ochocinco News Network (OCNN), which has gotten Chad Ochocinco a bunch of press passes and party invitations… He’s freakin hilarious… oddly enough has never won a championship…

With more as the week progresses,



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