Category Archives: Tales from the Bandwagon

Happy Birthday, Amurrrrrrica.

On April 19, 1775, a national spirit was born (yeah, we started that, you’re welcome). A year and a half later, the Declaration of Independence gave us our national birthday. Since then, America has been kicking ass and taking names from coast to coast.

Today, celebrate the way our forefathers would want us to, eat charred red meat, drink heavily and blow stuff up.

Go Sox.

Done.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Baseball, Tales from the Bandwagon, Things other than baseball

Picture Perfect Return for Savard, if your picture includes losing Sturm for 8 months with a torn ACL & MCL

Just a day after the Bruin’s Marc Savard returns to action after missing over a month with a grade 2 concussion, he lifts the B’s past the Flyers of Philadelphia in a 5-4 overtime Playoff Win that nearly brought the TD BankNorth Garden to the ground. The NHL Has even already fashioned a truly Junior-Varsity Playoff Commercial out of it on YouTube:

Unfortunately, about 65 minutes earlier… this happened:

What looked like a very sissy phantom hip-check by Marco Sturm was actually all of the important ligaments in his legs tearing apart from one another, and the bone, and the pain, and he’s out for months…

Almost every Boston Sports team is playing tonight, Playoff Basketball, Playoff Hockey and regular season baseball (the Orioles have 7 wins this season, and 4 of them came from the suckbag Red Sox). Since clearly, the Red Sox need the most help, I will be hoping the weather holds so that I can cheer them on this evening in person, perhaps they just need some new energy.

The aging Celtics, whose locker room looks like an assisted living center, take the floor against LeBron Marino James and the Cleveland Favaliers. And really… just whack him on the elbow and take James out for the Series… Maybe Shawn Thortnon is available for a little cross-athletic promotion…

That’s all I can muster for now… it’s grey out, it’s too hot to sleep… but at least Aaron Hernandez hasn’t called my cellphone yet… so I’m pretty sure he’s been staying out of trouble.

StartMattCassel

Leave a comment

Filed under Baseball, Tales from the Bandwagon, The B's, Things other than baseball

Quick question regarding Cornell:

SMC

1 Comment

Filed under Tales from the Bandwagon, Things other than baseball

The Patriots Need to Start Elizabeth Lambert at Strong Safety this Week.

A video is worth a trillion words:

[clearspring_widget title=”Lambert Suspended For Actions Vs. BYU – ESPN Video” wid=”4ac0e59c8be3e737″ pid=”4af4a73d7137126f” width=”384″ height=”216″ domain=”widgets.espn.go.com”]

Tell me this doesn’t turn you on just a little. I think the hair pulling wasn’t nearly as bad as the punch to the face and kick to the stomach at the same time. Rodney Harrison has nothing on this chick, and she is better looking. The New Mexico coaching staff should be cheering her on and the other hookers on the BYU team (I call them hookers because they are mormon; you can take that however you want) should be ashamed of them selves for not going all Zinedine Zidane on Lambert mid match. If only this happened in Women’s Soccer more often, the WUSA (the women’s soccer league which featured the Boston Breakers) might not have gone under so quickly. Same for MLS.

Done.

2 Comments

Filed under Tales from the Bandwagon, Things other than baseball

Steve Phillips Knows that Big Girls Need Love Too.

What’s Worse Than getting Busted Publicly For Cheating on Your Wife? Getting busted for cheating on her with a fat chick.

Yeah.................. Big Girls Need Love Too.

Yeah.................. Big Girls Need Love Too.

That is what has happened to Steve Phillips over the past week. He was suspended by ESPN for tagging a 22 year old production assistant, and then when he broke it off, she emailed and called his wife, and friended his son on facebook (also known as the place where idiotic ideas go to kill you). His wife is now divorcing him, and it seems the shit has hit the fan.

That is her, even though it looks like he is hugging a really short, long haired dude.

That is her, even though it looks like he is hugging a really short, long haired dude.

I need to say now that I am a big fan of Steve Phillips. Not the ohilandering part, but his work on ESPN. He is the guy who keeps Joe Morgan’s stupidity down during Sunday Night Baseball, actually knows what is going to happen, and, as a former GM, is pretty reliable around the trading deadline. I enjoy his work on Baseball tonight and was looking forward to seeing him on the Hot Stove specials this winter. Not sure that’s going to happen any more.

Did I mention she is a fat chick?

You can get all the info from the New York Post (which I got to from WEEI.com) along with the letter from Brooke (the fat chick) to his wife, both of their statements and the police report from his son. It is kind of sad, but also kind of hilarious. Enjoy.

117 Days.

Go Sox.

Done.

2 Comments

Filed under Baseball, Tales from the Bandwagon, Things other than baseball

Red Sox Lose to Angels in the Playoffs: The World is Coming to an End.

That was not fun. In the spirit of the day, here is an old favorite which will hopefully put the kick ass back into the Sox, B’s and Fred Taylor’s ankle.

************************************************************************************************

With a new year at our doorstep, it is time to give our teams the momentum they need by telling them how bad 2009 will actually be for them. Last year, at the start of 2008, Dan “The Curly Haired Boyfriend (where did this nickname come from? He has curly hair, but I’m pretty sure he isn’t anyone’s boyfriend)” Shaughnessy decided to tell us how great the year was going to be. He wrote out each of the predictions in the form of the headlines, predicting the greatest possible outcome for the local sports teams (except the Bruins). Of course, everything went exactly opposite of what Dan, in his lame attempt at humor said, sometimes in the most painful way (see: SuperBowl XLII). The 35 game NFL winning streak, Ellsbury’s amazing season (and another World Series Title with a happy Left Fielder), the complete disappearance of the Boston Bruins, and Jim Rice’s election into the HOF are among the things that Shaughnessy jinxed us out of, though he did get the C’s title right (a drunken lemur could have gotten that one right).

If that’s how it’s gonna be, we will do our own lame predictions for the year ahead. So, as I watch the Ravens play (and beat) the goddamn Dolphins in the playoffs, I will channel the spirit of Will McDonough (the legendary Globe sportswriter who called Clemens a “Texas Con Man” 20 years before the Mitchell report) and Reverse Cheer our boys to victory in 2009.

THE BOSTON RED SOX will miss the big bat in the middle their lineup, as “Big Floppy” David Ortiz hits only three homeruns and Kevin Youkilis’ beard becomes sentient and causes him to tear an ACL in a bizarre mid season attack on Mike Lowell. The pitching staff does well enough, but with Dice-K leaving every game after throwing 120 pitches in three scoreless innings and Tim Wakefield striking out 300 (all of whom reached first on passed balls) it will be hard to win with only 0.78 runs of support per game. 12 wins will not be enough to make the playoffs. The Yankees, on the other hand, win 120 games and sweep the playoffs to win the Series. CC Sabathia is going to lose 40 lbs and win 30 games and Mark “Sexi Texi” Teixeira will become the first man since Yaz in ’67 to win the triple crown with 75 HR, 193 RBI and a .410 BA. Tony Massaroti  will come out of hibernation in November, be told the news and instantly commit Hari-Kari. Jim Rice will miss the Hall of Fame by one vote and refuse to talk to the media, even in his job at NESN, ever again. I will shit my pants, twice.

THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS will allow Matt Cassel to go in free agency, following reports that Tom Brady’s knee is 100% on track to be ready for training camp. These reports will turn out to be wrong as Brady is killed on the first day of camp, when his knee collapses, stabbing his own tibia through his abdomen. It's gonna hurtKevin O’Connell will then inherit the mantle of quarterback and lead the Patriots to an 11-5 record, but miss the playoffs again due to the fact that the Dolphins could not beat the Matt Cassel and Josh McDaniels led Jets. The Jets will go on to beat the Browns, who are rebuilt by Pioli and Mangini, in the AFC Championship, before losing the Superbowl to Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings. StartMattCassel will change his name to WelkersFluffer (if you don’t know what that means I ain’t gonna tell you).

THE BOSTON CELTICS will never recover from the Christmas day loss to the Lakers, posting the opposite record (3-27) in the next thirty games. Get out the Paper BagsRay Allen’s ankles will explode, impaling both Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce with pieces of bone. Garnett will laugh off the injury, keep playing and bleed to death while dunking on Zydrunas Ilgauskas.Pierce will sit down for two months and come back just in time to lead the Celtics to the eighth seed in the east, but get swept in the first round by the Cavaliers and Ilgauskas, who absorbed the power of KG, Highlander style, when the Big Ticket died. Rajon Rondo will retire, figuring that he will never have as good a team to distribute the ball to, and Kendrick Perkins will eat himself out of the league in one afternoon at Sizzler. AngryBlackAle will continue to be angry.

THE BOSTON BRUINS will stop playing like it’s the last half of 2008, and start playing like it’s the first half of 2005, when they were locked out.Communism WinsClaude Julien will start acting like the French guy who he stole the name from and start surrendering at the start of every game. Tim Thomas and Manny Fernandez will go on strike after getting snubbed from the All Star ballot, and Zdeno Chara will hit his head on the Jumbotron, knocking him out for the month of March. The City of Boston will finally acknowledge that the Bruins are really, really good, just in time for them to lose 12 straight games in shootouts. The Montreal Canadiens will win the Stanley Cup and force everone in America to start speaking French. This will cause us to surrender to China, and the Communists will win.

IN OTHER NEWS, Plaxico Burress will shoot off the tip of his penis while carrying a gun in his banana hammock on vacation in Mexico (Thanks Catfish). Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds will both be convicted of perjury and be sentenced to spend the next four years injecting each other in the butt. Heath Ledger will be snubbed at the Oscars and come back from the dead to appear at the show and yell at those who didn’t vote for him (Best. Movie. Ever.) Rickey Henderson will announce at his Hall of Fame induction that he wants to play this season, and will then sign a deal with the Marlins. The owners of Anheuser-Busch will realize that, by selling their company to Belgians, they have lost any claim on the title of “The Great American Lager” and will stop airing that commercial where they almost mention this site (“Some guy in Boston told me to get out of his yard“) in connection with their shitty beer.

39 days.

Done.

*****************************************************************************************************************

Things can only go up.

Go Sox.

Done.

3 Comments

Filed under Baseball, Tales from the Bandwagon, Team Green, The B's, Things other than baseball

A Year and A Day Later and We Still Suck.

Never Forget

Never Forget

One year ago yesterday, while mired in one of those jobs which crushes the soul and addles the mind, it all began. Frustrated over people’s constant under appreciation of Jon Lester and the surprise being shown at his tremendous effort in game one of the ALDS, I started this little site with my cousin, StartMattCassel, to set the record straight. 476 rambling, sometimes incoherent columns later, we are still at it (almost) every day. Nobody is more surprised than I am, because the two of us have never stuck with anything that took more effort than watching the game or lifting a glass for this long, and we had always made fun of those “you can read about it on my blog” guys.

We just want to say thanks for sticking with us, commenting and helping us to find better ways to express the unrealistic expectations, over the top reactions and daily heartbreak of being a Boston sports fan. We plan on continuing to be here for a good long time, so keep reading because our level of self worth is directly related to those little numbers that we see on our stats page every day. No Seriously.

The Sox won again last night, The Wiggler looked good, tonight’s game is probably not going to get played unless John Henry’s hedge fund goes up to the point where he can put a roof on Fenway this afternoon and all of the important guys are kicking ass at just the right time. Gonzo’s hand will be fine (even if we have to ducttape that sucker back together until November), and the only thing better than one Red Sox game on the last day of the regular season would be two.

Thanks for keeping us going. Oh, and F#$% A-Rod.

Go Sox.

Done.

2 Comments

Filed under Artificial Turf, Baseball, Tales from the Bandwagon, Team Green, The B's, Things other than baseball