Category Archives: World Cup

All this Ronaldo crap for nothing? Spain defeats the Pretty Boys 1 to Nil. (But don’t worry, the Spaniards are pretty too.)

Back to the beach. Does he really give a sh!t?

As Portugal fell to the more creative feet of the Spanish on Tuesday, I found myself fairly unsatisfied by the efforts of the Portuguese. We’ve had this Ronaldo guy so built up by media attention and YouTube footage of the gyro ball, and he came to the World Cup for a crappy slop goal in a 7, nil romp of Kim Jong Il’s North Korean team and an early exit in the round of 16. Granted, the road for a Portuguese cup was treacherous, drawing a group containing Brazil and the Ivory Coast, the Ronaldons scored 7 against N. Korea and not a single goal against Ivory Coast, Brazil and Spain. My Middle Eastern connection tells me Ronaldo has taken to both forms of white girl.

But frankly, the team from Portugal just fell flat against a much more crisp Spanish squad. Cristiano Ronaldo was, as Martin Tyler put it, “A case study in indignation.” He didn’t help his cause for 50/50 calls, basically rolling around on the ground for a about 30 seconds each time a call didn’t go his way.

Carles Puyol says, "Hello."

The Spanish, lead by the skilled foot of David Villa, simply out classed a weaker and seemingly less motivated opponent. I will also add that the ugliest man in soccer, Carles Puyol, anchored an unbreakable defensive back line for the team in Red, Spain, and fellow defenseman/wingback Sergio Ramos (the best attacking defensive player in the Cup) was to much for the Portuguese to cope with as he made constant runs up the right side of the pitch. [Insert poop joke here].

And speaking of pretty boys, The Americans, of course; I believe the world cup has exposed the difference between a true top tier soccer country and the United States. England played not one solid minute of English Football, their best defensive player was out of the tournament and Wayne Rooney, one of the World’s best, didn’t find his form in any game. The United States, at pretty much full strength, played as well as I expected them to, gave us glimpses of glory and soccer arousal, and brought an entire market to the sport. Both teams: clipped in the round of 16.

Has US Manager Bob Bradley taken this team and program as far as he can? Is it time for a new regime? Is there a better American out there?

SoccerMattCassel

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US Advances in World Cup on Landon Donovan’s Goal in 91st Minute: You Can All Thank MVPork

Right now, this is so not gay.

After the most exciting soccer game I’ve ever watched and cared about, I got this letter and had to share it with you all. Ladies and Gentlemen, MVPork.

Bathroom Break

First off, I just want to thank all of my fans, family, friends and most of all the Good Lord J.C.  I will try to respond to all requests for autographs, but I ask that my public remain patient, as the onslaught is likely to be huge.  And if you’re wondering at all what has prompted this frenzy of interest in a heretofore little known football fan in the outskirts of Boston, it is this: I assisted on Landon Donovan’s goal in injury time today, the difference-maker between yet another first round ouster and winning Group C at the World Cup.

How, you may ask, is this possible?  Interestingly, I did not even start watching the game until the 86th minute.  I was meeting SMC and some business contacts for lunch in Cambridge, arrived a little early and wandered into the bar area where the game was prominently displayed.  No major action in the few minutes we were watching, except for a great, deep run by Edson Buddle followed by a pass that my club-footed cousin could have executed better, seemingly blowing the US’s last legitimate chance.  The business folks who were meeting us for lunch had not yet arrived, and I did not feel like dealing with having to void in the middle of a meeting, so I told SMC that I was heading for the pissa.

He noted that there were only a couple of minutes left in the game – wasn’t I afraid I might miss something?  I responded coolly that I was the only hope for the US side – only if I wasn’t watching did they have any chance to score.  Sure enough, within seconds of shaking off, I heard the roar from the bar – Donovan had blasted the US into the second round.

As for what the future holds, I am currently in negotiations to not watch the Red Sox for the rest of the season, and Tiger’s people have contacted me about staying away from golf for a while.  However, as long as the US has a chance to bring home that silly statue that looks like something my nephew made in the garage with duct tape, a tennis ball and gold spray paint, I choose country.  Viva USA!  Viva Landonovan!

MVPork

As great as the win was, it comes with the pall of a Red Sox loss last night, when I learned that going to concerts (last night I was at Phish) is not good for the Sox, and tonight they’ve got to deal with Ubaldo Jimenez, who is really, really, really good.

Go Amurrrrrica, Go Sox.

Done.

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…and to the French, Thank You for being so F#$%ing French.

Pardon me, Nick, would you mind taking this yellow pole and sitting on it for me? And then go home.

You arrogant, slovenly, smelly, frog eating sissy nannys. And on that you can quote me. After Star Striker Nicholas Anelka (who is surprisingly only playing in his first ever World Cup) mouthed off to his Frenchy coach, Raymond Domenech, he was sent home. Then the next day, the girly named French Captain, Patrice Evra (sounds kinda hot, right?) gets into a pre training scuffle, walks off the field and the whole team refuses to practice. Coach Domenech, btw, has already been fired, previous to the cup. So he came into this gig knowing he was off to Frenchy soccer heaven directly following no matter what. Like a Frenchmen would ever rise to that occasion and go out like a winner, or a man. Freakin’ pleeeease.

Up your butt, The French.

The French should be absolutely embarrassed by their own behavior and they should just all go home. And since they aren’t doing that, because of said Frenchness, FIFA President Joseph S. Blatter should just ship their asses home. But, alas, he is Swiss. Good luck getting him to take a stand. No wonder he makes a great President for the world’s most international sports organization.

You see this dude right here? I wanna party with this dude. And I want his soccer team to obliterate the French.

So that was yesterday, and today they have a game. Against the Home Town Bafana Bafana, which I just learned by googleing it is a term of endearment bestowed upon them by the fans that translates as, “The Boys.” And so to the French I say, thank you. thank you for your commitment to being arrogant on a globally epic level, for being even bigger prima donnas  than even the sissiest of NFL quarterback (and also Terry Glenn), and for your never-ending search for the next level of doucherdom. Because of this, one of the coolest things that could have happened in this World Cup is on the brink of possibility: If Uruguay or Mexico (who play each other) win by 3 and The Boys beat the Frogsplunkers, then Bafana Bafana will advance to the Round of 16. And with the confidence and warmth that South Africa continues to instill in us, if you put them in the knockout stage (in the immortal words of Jake Taylor) they may just win the whole fucking thing.

Not bloody likely… but anything to hate the French on a Tuesday.

And oh ya, the US plays Algeria tomorrow. Win and we’re in. We didn’t travel 4 zillion miles or spend 4 gabillion dollars shoving soccer marketing down the throats of Amurrica for us not to get a dubya. Eff that capitalist hating Mali ref, just take the pitch and win the freakin soccer game. Otherwise, you’re gonna be like post olympic NHL it and I will never buy your stupid video games again.

Congrats. You're not a fag anymore. (And before anyone gets all up in arms about that comment, it is reference to South Park and carries no conotation regarding sexual orientation, Red Dog.)

SoccerMattCassel

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Christiano Ronaldo Scored a Touchdown for Portugal

What? Wrong sport you say? I thought it was football. I knew no football player would sport the eurodouche mullet.

F$&@ing off days always leave me confused. Sox in Colorado tomorrow night. Good times.

Go Sox.

Done.

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Not good to Kiss your Sister, especially if she’s Brittish, but we celebrate the draw nonetheless.

Dempsey, who scored against England, is at the end of almost every single hard foul. Apparently... he's not roundly loved outside of the US.

The American Footballers kicked off the 2010 World Cup by nicking a point of a draw with the unlikable Brits. By earning a point, we are well positioned to be well positioned. After the Slovs took out Algeria on a 1, nill winner, they sit atop the Group C with 3 points. The Americans must not lose the remainder of the group stage and another draw would mean our fate would rest on the feet of another country’s performance.

After an early goal off the foot of Steven Gerrard, England’s premier Attacking Midfielder, Clint Dempsey’s range tester in the 39th minute squeaked by England’s unsure goaltender to find the back of the goal webbing in what would be our only goal, leading to the 1, 1 split.

Tim Howard, the American Keeper, took Man of the Match honors after preventing 17 of England's 18 shots from counting.

The Stars and Stripes play next on Friday. Cheer hard.

SMC

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