Tag Archives: A-Rod is a Douchebag

Dallas Braden Gives Further Proof That A-Rod is a Complete Douchebag.

Thank God for Jon Lester and his mighty left arm. It was thanks to the awesomeness of Lester’s left, and the vomit inducing ineptitude of A.J. Burnett’s right at  Fenway Park that allowed the Sox to avoid the sweep and get back (yet again) to .500 baseball. Alas, Billy Hall and his magic pink bat did not make an appearance. While Victor is still sucking and there are innumerable other issues with the Sox, there was one (other) truly feel good story this Mothers Day that left the Yankees on the short end of the stick.

Braden is calling to his grandma, not calling for A-Rod to come fight him.

For those who don’t know, during an April 22nd game in Oakland, Alex Rodriguez, noted ball slapper and other ancient rule breaker (he once called out as he was rounding third base in an attempt to get the third baseman to drop an easy popup), ran across the mound as he was returning from third base to the first base dugout after being retired. Dallas Braden, the day’s starter for the A’s, took offense to that, telling the mighty Douche to get off his mound, and in no uncertain terms. According to the New York Post it went something like this:

Braden, that afternoon: “You want to run across the mound? Go run laps in the bullpen. That’s my mound.”

Rodriguez, that afternoon: “I had never quite heard that before, especially from a guy who has a handful of wins in his career.”

Braden, a few days ago: “There are things that are going to have to happen . . . We don’t do much talking in the 209 [area code of Braden’s hometown of Stockton, Calif.].”

Rodriguez, in response: “I really don’t want to extend his extra 15 minutes of fame.”

I really hope this is his nickname.

Well, now Braden has proof that it is really his goddamn mound. Yesterday, on Mother’s Day, with his grandmother, Peggy Lindsey, in the stands (unfortunately Braden’s mother passed when he was in high school), Dallas Braden threw the 19th perfect game in the history of Major League Baseball. It was an awesome sight to see Braden embrace his grandmother on the field and celebrate with his teammates. What was better than that? When asked about the feud, Lindsay said, “Stick it, A-Rod!”

Awesome.

the Jays are in town and they suck just about as bad as we do so it should be a good one. Lackey’s on the hill with another chance to drive the Sox up over .500 and get something going. 7:10 can’t get here fast enough.

Go Sox.

Done.

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Mike Cameron: Not A Douche

Through the magic of the internet, we have some video of one of the newest Red Sox, and the guy who will possibly be under the most pressure at the start of the season, Mike Cameron. Gladly, he seems to be cool with chatting with the fans (until he gets to Boston and figures out how crazy we are. I still don’t think he’s the answer in the outfield, center or left, but since the Beltre signing (who I may be unreasonably optimistic about) he seems to be a better pick up. His explanation of his choice of numbers hist all the right buttons and he comes this close to calling B.J. Upton an asshole for not talking to fans, but then changes the subject. We’ll see how the guy does when play starts, and he’d better not drop that first ball, but for now he just stepped a notch up in my book.

And I agree with Tony, Hannah Storm looked really milfy today on SportsCenter, but not as hot as the MILF from the Canadian Curling team.

Yeah, She Can Handle A Broom.

Go Sox.

Done.

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Hilarity Ensues With Tiger Woods’ Skank Jaimee Grubbs on Tool Academy.

The Last E is for "Extra Stupid"

So apparently Tiger Woods nailed a skank from my guiltiest pleasure ever, Tool Academy. Of Course, upon hearing this news, I joined my old friend wikipedia, in a search for exactly who this bag of used tampons is and what impact she had on the show.

Jaimee's Tool

As it turns out, she was not only one of the ten women who were stupid enough to stay with guys who needed to go on the show, but the most pitiful of them all. See, what had happened was that she got on the show with her “boyfriend” Shawn (also known as Loud-Mouth Tool) who was the dictionary definition of a douchebag, from the Flock of Seagulls haircut to the acid washed jeans and ripped t-shirts. He then proceeded to make himself known to bet he biggest tool on the show (planet) and pick fights with about half of the other tools. However, before the guy could even get himself “expelled,” his other girlfriend showed up. He had been dating this other, equally dysfunctional, chick ( and I’m not using the words chick and hooker and skank to demean all women, just these ones) for about six years and Miss Grubbs (aka the Tigerf#$%er) just got stuck in the middle of it.

You might want to just slit your throat with that now.

The long and short of it is that Jamie Grubbs, one of Tiger Woods’ many, many mistresses, was the most pitiful hooker on a TV show which I love to watch to make my finacee feel better about the fact that I’m not one of those people. She got dumped by a guy who was enough of a douche to get taken on Tool Academy, and it was while he was still on the show. (At the reunion show this guy showed up with the two girls who he had been on the show with, who both hate him, and a third chick who is having his baby and wants nothing to do with him. This proves that VH1 is the ultimate way to attract trash of all kinds.)

In the end, am I surprised by the fact that Tiger likes the whores? No, but I am surprised that he would go fo these chicks when he could be nailing supermodels on the side. The lesson in this is not to let your wife find out that you are leaving home to nail some chick who is uglier than her at 1 am on Thanksgiving Night, especially when there are plenty of blunt objects around with which she can strike you in the face.

Go Elin, Go Sox.

78 Days.

Done.

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Kevin Garnett: Full Court Assassin

Does this remind anyone else of the shot that Woody Harrelson has to make to prove himself in White Men Can’t Jump? Great movie, and the clip only gets me more excited about going to the C’s game tomorrow night with SMC and CutFromLittleLeague. Especially since they ended the slide where all four of our teams had lost their last game.

Now if the Sox would just do something.

Go Celtics, Go Sox.

87 Days.

Done.

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Congrats, Clay, You’ve Out Kicked Your Coverage.

 

Lindsay Clubine Buchholz

Just one more reason to learn how to pitch.

Tomorrow afternoon Clay Buchholz and Lindsay Clubine, the Red Sox fourth starter and Deal or no Deal model (respectively), will tie the knot (hopefully somewhere the weather is better than it is here today). This is further proof, as is Clay’s previous relationship with Penthouse Pet Erica Ellyson, that while hot chicks and million dollar contracts won’t get you a curveball, a curveball can get you both of these things. So get out there kids, start working on your arm, and maybe you can someday marry a chick who all of your friends enjoy “researching” on the internet.

 

Go Sox.

93 days.

Done.

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The Patriots Need to Start Elizabeth Lambert at Strong Safety this Week.

A video is worth a trillion words:

[clearspring_widget title=”Lambert Suspended For Actions Vs. BYU – ESPN Video” wid=”4ac0e59c8be3e737″ pid=”4af4a73d7137126f” width=”384″ height=”216″ domain=”widgets.espn.go.com”]

Tell me this doesn’t turn you on just a little. I think the hair pulling wasn’t nearly as bad as the punch to the face and kick to the stomach at the same time. Rodney Harrison has nothing on this chick, and she is better looking. The New Mexico coaching staff should be cheering her on and the other hookers on the BYU team (I call them hookers because they are mormon; you can take that however you want) should be ashamed of them selves for not going all Zinedine Zidane on Lambert mid match. If only this happened in Women’s Soccer more often, the WUSA (the women’s soccer league which featured the Boston Breakers) might not have gone under so quickly. Same for MLS.

Done.

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Where Have You Gone Pedro Martinez? A Nation Turns Its Lonely Eyes To You.

Just a couple a guys horsin' around.

I never thought I’d be so excited for another Pedro Martinez start. I remember when he cam to Boston in the winter of 1998. All of a sudden there were people from the Dominican Republic everywhere. Italian guys with George Hamilton tans were all of a sudden waiving Dominican flags and pretending to be just like Pedro. He made it cool to be a Sox fan again, gave us hope that even in the midst of the least hateable Yankees run possible (you couldn’t hate Torre, because he’s just a stand up guy, and Jeter was still a superstar who played the game right, worked hard and deserved everything that he got, unlike now. Yes, that is the least hateable Yankees team, except for when they suck), our long national nightmare, also known as 86 years o’ pain, was coming to an end.

Just a couple a guys horsin' around.

Pedro was appointment viewing in the days before TiVo made that obsolete. Every time he took the ball he could do something amazing. Would he pitch ten perfect innings and then lose because his team couldn’t score (that once happened to him), or would he give up three homers in five innings and go down in flames (also happened)? No matter whether he pitched well or poorly, Pedro was the freaking man. All you need to do is make a list of the things he did in his first few seasons here to remember how great he was: 17 K one hit in Yankee Stadium, Game 5 1999 ALDS, carrying around a celebrity (apparently he was huge in the DR) midget for the second half of the 2004 season, using more Soul Glo than Eriq LaSalle in Coming to America. Just to name a few.

Oh ya, he's a gamer, too.

And tonight, as he takes the mound against Andy Pettite in a match up which would have had every Fox executive walking around with a huge erection ten years ago, we fans of the Boston Red Sox turn to Pedro again.

This time we turn to him not to help us erase nearly a century worth of misery and pain, but to save us from a winter full of the same. The Yankees fans, never believers in not counting their chickens before they have hatched, are already coming out of the woodwork. A whole new generation of douchebag pink hat Yankees fans are all of a sudden telling us how they have suffered through the past nine years, and how the Yankees did it the right way. They keep walking into my office and saying, “How about those Yankees?”

GOOOOOOOOO 'DRO!

We need Pedro to keep us from a winter of these people having their delusions fed into by the media. Sure, Joe Buck is already planning the train the Yanks are going to run on him after the Series, and it was hard to understand McCarver (moreso than usual) as he tried to call the game with A-Rod’s steroid reduced balls in his mouth, but the rest of the media has so far been uncontaminated. And we all know that the worst is yet to come, with Rodriguez’ first ring will come the inevitable book (he may be illiterate, but if Johnny Damon can write a book so can he) and ESPN’s retrospective on A-Rod as the greatest player ever. Teixeira would grace the cover of a Wheaties box telling kids to eat healthy and work hard so that someday their wife can carry their balls in her purse. A.J. Burnett and C.C. Sabathia will open up their on line of soaps (made Fightclub style from fat liposuctioned out of Sabathia’s ass) and shaving creams (perfect for pieing the faces of guys who are less overpaid than you and actually contribute).

So please Pedro, let your Soul Glo, and give us one more night of baseball, and a better chance of not having to hide until pitchers and catchers report. Another playoff collapse for the Yanks would just be icing on the cake.

Go Sox.

102 Days.

Done.

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