Tag Archives: Alex Rodriguez

The End of a Long National Nightmare

The look on A-Rods face almost makes up for how bad Beckett and Drew sucked this year.

Thank You, Texas.

Wow, I never thought I’d appreciate anything from Texas as much as I do the Rangers this morning.

In case you missed it, the Rangers finally put down the Yankees (like the ugly dog at the shelter who never gets adopted. (Note: I do not mean that the senseless killing of these animals is a good thing, like the Yankees losing, but just that they did it in a similar undeniable fashion.)) last night by finishing them off in game six of the ALCS. Along with being the first time the Rangers have punched a ticket to the World Series in their 49 year history (originally as the second team to bear the name Washington Senators), it frees us from one more week or, god forbid, an entire winter of endless Yankee talk. No A-Douche on Letterman, no talk of Joe Girardi changing his number again (he had 27 last season and after winning the title changed to 28, kind of like Rick Fox wearing number 17 after going to the Lakers because he had been so disappointed to never win Banner 17 for the C’s), no Sports Illustrated special edition commercials about the Yankees. It comes as a relief to us all.

To the Sox, and their fans, this means that we can finally focus on the offseason and plans for 2011. While the Globe and Herald have already run their lists of potential free agent targets and decisions that need to be made by the Sox (mention must be made of the terrific prognostication and reporting done by Gordon Edes in his ESPNBoston.com blog), the fans, such as myself, have been focused on supporting the Twins and Rangers in their hopes to prevent another title by those pinstriped assholes to the south.

In the coming weeks we will have plenty of time to preview what figures to (and had f#$%ing better) be a very busy Hot Stove season for Theo and Co, but for today let’s just enjoy all of the video of the Yanks walking off the field looking dejected and miserable and look forward to what is undoubtedly going to be an amazing matchup in game one of the World Series, Lee at Halladay or Lincecum.

Ridiculous.

Thanks Rangers. Go Sox.

Done.

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Do It For Your Moms!

Bill Hall knows how to do it for his mom.

After two days of being treated like a red headed step child, hopefully the Sox will show up and put one on the Yanks for their Mom’s today. Lester’s back on the hill (and he’s been absolutely nasty lately) to try to shut down mom-haters Mark Tiexiera and Douche-Rod, the primary antagonists for pretty much everything the Sox do these days.

I’ve already expressed my opinion (in poop) about all of the events of friday night, on the diamond, court and ice, and there’s not much more to say about a Sox team that looked like they just wanted to get out of the rain yesterday because they were afraid of messing up their hair.

Unfortunately Bill Hall’s not in the lineup to continue his Pink Bat mastery, but the Sox have a chance to pinch a big one on one of their favorite pinstriped punching bags, A.J. “Who Farted” Burnett. What better way to honor  your mother than kicking some Yankee ass?

Go Sox.

Done.

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Where Have You Gone Pedro Martinez? A Nation Turns Its Lonely Eyes To You.

Just a couple a guys horsin' around.

I never thought I’d be so excited for another Pedro Martinez start. I remember when he cam to Boston in the winter of 1998. All of a sudden there were people from the Dominican Republic everywhere. Italian guys with George Hamilton tans were all of a sudden waiving Dominican flags and pretending to be just like Pedro. He made it cool to be a Sox fan again, gave us hope that even in the midst of the least hateable Yankees run possible (you couldn’t hate Torre, because he’s just a stand up guy, and Jeter was still a superstar who played the game right, worked hard and deserved everything that he got, unlike now. Yes, that is the least hateable Yankees team, except for when they suck), our long national nightmare, also known as 86 years o’ pain, was coming to an end.

Just a couple a guys horsin' around.

Pedro was appointment viewing in the days before TiVo made that obsolete. Every time he took the ball he could do something amazing. Would he pitch ten perfect innings and then lose because his team couldn’t score (that once happened to him), or would he give up three homers in five innings and go down in flames (also happened)? No matter whether he pitched well or poorly, Pedro was the freaking man. All you need to do is make a list of the things he did in his first few seasons here to remember how great he was: 17 K one hit in Yankee Stadium, Game 5 1999 ALDS, carrying around a celebrity (apparently he was huge in the DR) midget for the second half of the 2004 season, using more Soul Glo than Eriq LaSalle in Coming to America. Just to name a few.

Oh ya, he's a gamer, too.

And tonight, as he takes the mound against Andy Pettite in a match up which would have had every Fox executive walking around with a huge erection ten years ago, we fans of the Boston Red Sox turn to Pedro again.

This time we turn to him not to help us erase nearly a century worth of misery and pain, but to save us from a winter full of the same. The Yankees fans, never believers in not counting their chickens before they have hatched, are already coming out of the woodwork. A whole new generation of douchebag pink hat Yankees fans are all of a sudden telling us how they have suffered through the past nine years, and how the Yankees did it the right way. They keep walking into my office and saying, “How about those Yankees?”

GOOOOOOOOO 'DRO!

We need Pedro to keep us from a winter of these people having their delusions fed into by the media. Sure, Joe Buck is already planning the train the Yanks are going to run on him after the Series, and it was hard to understand McCarver (moreso than usual) as he tried to call the game with A-Rod’s steroid reduced balls in his mouth, but the rest of the media has so far been uncontaminated. And we all know that the worst is yet to come, with Rodriguez’ first ring will come the inevitable book (he may be illiterate, but if Johnny Damon can write a book so can he) and ESPN’s retrospective on A-Rod as the greatest player ever. Teixeira would grace the cover of a Wheaties box telling kids to eat healthy and work hard so that someday their wife can carry their balls in her purse. A.J. Burnett and C.C. Sabathia will open up their on line of soaps (made Fightclub style from fat liposuctioned out of Sabathia’s ass) and shaving creams (perfect for pieing the faces of guys who are less overpaid than you and actually contribute).

So please Pedro, let your Soul Glo, and give us one more night of baseball, and a better chance of not having to hide until pitchers and catchers report. Another playoff collapse for the Yanks would just be icing on the cake.

Go Sox.

102 Days.

Done.

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Apparently, Cliff Lee is the Yankees’ Daddy.

Cliff Lee Deserves a HandshakeHave you ever been really excited to show off your new apartment to some friends, and then some guy shows up, beats the crap out of you, poops on your couch and then lights your bed on fire? That’s what the Yankees feel like today after what Cliff Lee did to them. In the Steinbrenners’ first chance to show off their billion dollar monument to being whores (and taxpayer money) on the world wide scale, the Phillies spoiled the party by dominating the Yanks on both sides of the ball and ruining the return of Aura and Mystique (Schilling’s favorite strippers) to the Series. He shut down the best offensive team money can buy (one run on six hits in a complete game), while also giving the atomic finger to a former teammate who got all the attention even while Lee was winning an AL Cy Young.

A-Rod Strikes Out. Awesome.

Just Walk Away. You Are Not Good.

And it felt great for me. Every Yankees fan I’ve seen today looks like somebody shit in their cereal. Douche-Rod, who had switched bodies with David Ortiz circa 2004 for most of the playoffs, was back to his old self, putting up an 0-4 night with three Ks. Teixeira was almost as bad, coming one K short of matching Rodriguez in complete uselessness (thought Rodriguez still has bigger tits). The entire team was shut down by Lee, who has done nothing but dominate since coming over in the Indians fire sale at the deadline.

Sabathia Gives Up Homers to Utley

That Was A Great Pitch......... For a Camel To Jizz On.

On the other side of the ball, Sabathia, the $161 Million man, got hammered by Chase Utley twice and after he was out, it took five relievers to get 6 outs, while giving up four more runs. He missed his location and became the first left handed pitcher to give up two homers to a lefty hitter not named Babe Ruth. On the second shot he also clearly shook off Posada twice, proving that it was his own shitty idea to throw a pitch right down the pipe to Utley.

Feel the Power.

Feel The Awesomeness.

The secret to Utley’s power is not in his hours of practice, or his tremendous ability, but in his magical hair. If you were watching last night after his second homer, you saw how majestic it was. It looked like something that you will see kids wearing on Saturday night, made of rubber and not moving unless you take a jackhammer to it. I don’t know what was in it (SMC suggested camel semen, and he had to ask some chick how to spell semen), but whatever it was, they should have used it to hold together Yankee Stadium’s crumbing foundation.

Pedro Martinez at his peakTonight a lonely Red Sox nation (and Phillies fans, if anyone actually cares about them) turns its eyes to an old friend. Pedro Martinez, who did not in fact die after the 2004 season, will take the hill tonight in the new Asshole of the Universe, and try to give his Daddy a beating of his own. If you are wondering whether or not it is O.K. to root for Pedro, who some felt betrayed by because he took more money and more years from the Mets after 2004, the answer is yes. Pedro changed everything for us. He helped make it cool to be a Sox fan again, and made at least one out of every five games definite appointment viewing. Add to that the fact that he is playing the Yankees and will have to deal with 45,000 effheads yelling “Who’s Your Daddy” and that the oil in his hair (You’ve Gotta Let Your Soul Glo) could heat the North End for the winter, and every Sox fan should be rooting for Pedro like the old days.

Go Pedro. Go Sox.

108 Days.

Done.

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Piss Like the Pros!

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A-Rod has Bitch Tits Like Meatloaf in Fight Club.

alex-rodriguez-steroids

See the Bitch Tits?

Great news Everyone! Selena Roberts has given us more reason to hate Douche-Rod. Excerpts from Robert’s new book were published by the New York Daily News this morning. Included are details about the Douche’s steroid use, which reportedly started in High School and continues today, and his relationships with his wife, Madonna, and various other floozies (that is the actual word used in the Daily News). I can’t think of a better way to wake up (other than in a Brad Penny’s Ex-Girlfriend Sandwich).

Here are some highlights:

Sports Illustrated writer Selena Roberts, who broke the story that A-Rod flunked a steroid screening in 2003, reveals fellow Bombers nicknamed the third baseman “B—h T–s” in 2005. (If you don’t think that the fans at Fenway are going to be chanting “Bitch Tits” when he returns to Boston June 9th then you are dumber than, well, A-Rod)

That was after he put on 15 pounds in the off-season and seemed to develop round pectorals, a condition called gynecomastia that can be caused by anabolic steroids, she writes.

In one shocking disclosure, the book accuses A-Rod of “pitch tipping” when he was with the Rangers – letting a friendly opponent at the plate know which pitch was coming in lopsided games. (Douchebag)

Rodriguez expected players he helped would do the same for him when he was having an off night and needed to get his batting average up and it wouldn’t affect the outcome of the game.

He was even hated at Hooters, where he tipped the minimum 15%, the book says

I’m not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but it must be a challenge to be hated at Hooters when you have $300 million. In fact, what is a man who can afford whatever he wants doing eating at Hooters? Couldn’t he get some hotty he is nailing (or a hooker) to go get him buffalo wings from Hooters and then serve them to him naked? Wouldn’t that be more fun? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Van Every CatchOf course, the Sox won last night thanks to some good relief work (again) and Jonathan Van Every’s first Major League home run. If you have been going to bed early with the Sox losing lately, you need to try staying up one of these days. In the last five games they have scored 16 runs in the seventh inning or later.  They have won four of those (and the eight before that) by scoring late as often as they scored early. Van Every’s shot last night was vaguely reminiscent of Brandon Moss’ shot in the opener in Japan last year. Good Times.

Go Sox.

Done.

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Am I Evil For Taking So Much Pleasure in A-Rod’s Hip Injury?

The Curse of A-RodAfter watching eleven hours of coverage of Alex Rodriguez’s hip injury (and suffering the indignity of having The Curly Haired Boyfriend use the same rhyme as I did), I just can’t get this smile off of my face.

I know, he hasn’t gone in for the surgery, but watching them talk about that douchebag suffering the same injury that forced Mike Lowell to miss most of the playoffs (and that is one of the chief reasons that the Sox missed out on the Series last year), and has Chase Utley out for the first two months of the season, makes me happier every time I think about it. At the moment the prognosis for his recovery from a torn labrum in his hip ranges anywhere from missing two weeks if his rehab and rest goes well, to four or more months if he opts for surgery. Some are saying that he might “Chase Utley” his way through the season (Utley powered through the season with the injury and won the Series for the Phillies), but we all know that most infants are tougher than A-Rod, and he wouldn’t make it three weeks with the type of pain that Utley and Lowell suffered. Even if he tries to gut it out, he’ll feel it every time he swings, moves to field a ground ball or attempts to run the bases.

I always thought Douche-Rod was the bottom.

I always thought Douche-Rod was the bottom.

The part that really excites me is the impact it will have on the Yankees (and therefore the Red Sox) if he misses significant time. With all the pressure of their big contracts, and missing the best run producer in their lineup, CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett will find themselves responsible for keeping their team in games more often. Mark “My wife has a bigger dick than I do” Teixeira will become the focal point of a lineup that is aging quickly and scored three runs or less 73 times last season. He is a slow starter historically (.251 career AVG in April), is missing his best protection in the lineup and just signed an 8 year, $180 million contract in a city where people do not pay $810,000 for an opening day ticket to see you lose. Teixeira will be expected to carry guys like Johnny Damon, Derek Jeter (no matter how much you respect the guy you have to admit that him starting over Jimmie Rollins in the WBC is reedickyoulous), and Jorge Posada without A-Roid in the lineup and has never faced this kind of pressure. 

Not the Vancome Lady

On the flip side, without Douche-Rod (lets see how many insulting names for him I can use in one column) manning the hot corner, the Yanks have such luminaries as Cody Ransom or Angel Berroa (former AL Rookie of the Year) lined up to take the spot. This will not do for them if that replacement has to be there for the 4-5 months it would take for him to come back from surgery. The trading partners, on the other hand, would know that the Yanks are desperate, and force them to give up some high value prospects in a league where building from within is the new trend. Also, two of the most attractive options, Melvin Mora and Scott Rolen, are in the same division and would be very hard to get. Garret Atkins of the Rockies and the Mariners’ Adrian Beltre are also options, but both would be pricey in terms of prospects and addtions to the salary (but hey, for $2500 a seat on a normal game, im pretty sure Hank and Hal can afford it). 

Nobody knows at this point what is going to happen (except Yuri Sucart) but it seems that the Karma train is getting ready to hit The Biggest Douche in the Universe and his steroid using teammates ludicrously (yes, I went the plaid) hard. Either way, his removal from the lineup makes the Yankees worse, lightens up the load in one of the best divisions ever seen in baseball and makes it easier for the Red Sox to embarrass them more than they already have themselves. It makes me happy and if I’m evil because of that then I really don’t care.

Go Sox.

Done.

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