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Piss Like the Pros!

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Just Click Your Heels Together Three Times and Say, “Get Me the F#$% Out of Detroit.”

Yay! We get to leave Detroit!

Yay! We get to leave Detroit!

There is no place like home, and after their longest road trip of the season, the Boston Red Sox are finally coming home, where they have the best record in baseball, and pretty much don’t lose. Yesterday’s game was pretty much a yawner, as all of the runs came in a two inning span and most of the Sox runs were due to the four walks and a hit batter that Dontrelle Willis gave up as he unravelled in the third. Jason Bay (of course) had the big blow with a two run double and Rocco continued to contribute with an RBI single of his own.

Wild Thing, you make my heart sing.

Wild Thing, you make my heart sing.

The biggest news of the day, (other than the unfortunate death of Bill) was that David Ortiz’ Rotting Corpse, in his never ending search to discover why he died between spring training and the regular season, is going to have his eyes checked. It’s come to the point that you hope, not just for the Sox but for Ortiz as a person, that there is something wrong, not just the fact that he is old and has lost it. Plus, how awesome would it be to see Big Papi back, but now climbing into the batters box wearing Ricky Vaughn glasses (the originals, not those over the top ones he wore in Major League 2). If he also went with the vegimatic haircut I think I might have an orgasm.

a-rod-had-bitch-titsThe Sox return home today and have three against the Rangers, who are actually leading the AL West, before an off day, and then the Yanks come back to town. If you are going to the game you should start warming up now. Douche-Rod is returning to Fenway, and from the classic “Ste-Roids” chant, to the newest “Bitch-Tits” chant (I can’t wait to hear 37,000 people chanting Bitch Tits as he comes to the plate), this one is going to be brutal. I’d be mildly embarrassed about the amount of abuse which is going to come out of the Fenway stands if it weren’t for the fact that Alex Rodriguez is pretty much the biggest bag of crap ever to put on a pinstriped uniform. (and that is saying a lot)

Congrats to the best mullet ever to be named after a penis (Randy Johnson) on joining the 300 win club, you might never see it happen again.

The Red Sox are tied for first place and they are coming home. Awesome.

Go Sox.

Done.

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A-Rod has Bitch Tits Like Meatloaf in Fight Club.

alex-rodriguez-steroids

See the Bitch Tits?

Great news Everyone! Selena Roberts has given us more reason to hate Douche-Rod. Excerpts from Robert’s new book were published by the New York Daily News this morning. Included are details about the Douche’s steroid use, which reportedly started in High School and continues today, and his relationships with his wife, Madonna, and various other floozies (that is the actual word used in the Daily News). I can’t think of a better way to wake up (other than in a Brad Penny’s Ex-Girlfriend Sandwich).

Here are some highlights:

Sports Illustrated writer Selena Roberts, who broke the story that A-Rod flunked a steroid screening in 2003, reveals fellow Bombers nicknamed the third baseman “B—h T–s” in 2005. (If you don’t think that the fans at Fenway are going to be chanting “Bitch Tits” when he returns to Boston June 9th then you are dumber than, well, A-Rod)

That was after he put on 15 pounds in the off-season and seemed to develop round pectorals, a condition called gynecomastia that can be caused by anabolic steroids, she writes.

In one shocking disclosure, the book accuses A-Rod of “pitch tipping” when he was with the Rangers – letting a friendly opponent at the plate know which pitch was coming in lopsided games. (Douchebag)

Rodriguez expected players he helped would do the same for him when he was having an off night and needed to get his batting average up and it wouldn’t affect the outcome of the game.

He was even hated at Hooters, where he tipped the minimum 15%, the book says

I’m not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but it must be a challenge to be hated at Hooters when you have $300 million. In fact, what is a man who can afford whatever he wants doing eating at Hooters? Couldn’t he get some hotty he is nailing (or a hooker) to go get him buffalo wings from Hooters and then serve them to him naked? Wouldn’t that be more fun? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Van Every CatchOf course, the Sox won last night thanks to some good relief work (again) and Jonathan Van Every’s first Major League home run. If you have been going to bed early with the Sox losing lately, you need to try staying up one of these days. In the last five games they have scored 16 runs in the seventh inning or later.  They have won four of those (and the eight before that) by scoring late as often as they scored early. Van Every’s shot last night was vaguely reminiscent of Brandon Moss’ shot in the opener in Japan last year. Good Times.

Go Sox.

Done.

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