Tag Archives: Chase Utley

It’s a bright day… kinda

Chase Utley loves puppies.

Cliff Lee and Chase Utley did their best 2007 Josh Becket and David Ortiz impersonations last night and effectively sent the World Series back to New York for a game six. Although Utley is still considerably less Dominican, he has emerged as the bat not to throw at in the series. Unfortunately, the Yankees will probably adjust at home and kick the Phillies asses all over the field. The injustice in all of this is that I don’t want either team to win… and I may even want the Phillies to lose more than the Yankees… I mean… ya, cheese steaks are nice… but do they really deserve another Championship? That being said, the Yankees are evil and should have all of their toes removed by a Cambodian woman with bad teeth.

I’m just… feeling so conflicted today…


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Apparently, Cliff Lee is the Yankees’ Daddy.

Cliff Lee Deserves a HandshakeHave you ever been really excited to show off your new apartment to some friends, and then some guy shows up, beats the crap out of you, poops on your couch and then lights your bed on fire? That’s what the Yankees feel like today after what Cliff Lee did to them. In the Steinbrenners’ first chance to show off their billion dollar monument to being whores (and taxpayer money) on the world wide scale, the Phillies spoiled the party by dominating the Yanks on both sides of the ball and ruining the return of Aura and Mystique (Schilling’s favorite strippers) to the Series. He shut down the best offensive team money can buy (one run on six hits in a complete game), while also giving the atomic finger to a former teammate who got all the attention even while Lee was winning an AL Cy Young.

A-Rod Strikes Out. Awesome.

Just Walk Away. You Are Not Good.

And it felt great for me. Every Yankees fan I’ve seen today looks like somebody shit in their cereal. Douche-Rod, who had switched bodies with David Ortiz circa 2004 for most of the playoffs, was back to his old self, putting up an 0-4 night with three Ks. Teixeira was almost as bad, coming one K short of matching Rodriguez in complete uselessness (thought Rodriguez still has bigger tits). The entire team was shut down by Lee, who has done nothing but dominate since coming over in the Indians fire sale at the deadline.

Sabathia Gives Up Homers to Utley

That Was A Great Pitch......... For a Camel To Jizz On.

On the other side of the ball, Sabathia, the $161 Million man, got hammered by Chase Utley twice and after he was out, it took five relievers to get 6 outs, while giving up four more runs. He missed his location and became the first left handed pitcher to give up two homers to a lefty hitter not named Babe Ruth. On the second shot he also clearly shook off Posada twice, proving that it was his own shitty idea to throw a pitch right down the pipe to Utley.

Feel the Power.

Feel The Awesomeness.

The secret to Utley’s power is not in his hours of practice, or his tremendous ability, but in his magical hair. If you were watching last night after his second homer, you saw how majestic it was. It looked like something that you will see kids wearing on Saturday night, made of rubber and not moving unless you take a jackhammer to it. I don’t know what was in it (SMC suggested camel semen, and he had to ask some chick how to spell semen), but whatever it was, they should have used it to hold together Yankee Stadium’s crumbing foundation.

Pedro Martinez at his peakTonight a lonely Red Sox nation (and Phillies fans, if anyone actually cares about them) turns its eyes to an old friend. Pedro Martinez, who did not in fact die after the 2004 season, will take the hill tonight in the new Asshole of the Universe, and try to give his Daddy a beating of his own. If you are wondering whether or not it is O.K. to root for Pedro, who some felt betrayed by because he took more money and more years from the Mets after 2004, the answer is yes. Pedro changed everything for us. He helped make it cool to be a Sox fan again, and made at least one out of every five games definite appointment viewing. Add to that the fact that he is playing the Yankees and will have to deal with 45,000 effheads yelling “Who’s Your Daddy” and that the oil in his hair (You’ve Gotta Let Your Soul Glo) could heat the North End for the winter, and every Sox fan should be rooting for Pedro like the old days.

Go Pedro. Go Sox.

108 Days.



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Am I Evil For Taking So Much Pleasure in A-Rod’s Hip Injury?

The Curse of A-RodAfter watching eleven hours of coverage of Alex Rodriguez’s hip injury (and suffering the indignity of having The Curly Haired Boyfriend use the same rhyme as I did), I just can’t get this smile off of my face.

I know, he hasn’t gone in for the surgery, but watching them talk about that douchebag suffering the same injury that forced Mike Lowell to miss most of the playoffs (and that is one of the chief reasons that the Sox missed out on the Series last year), and has Chase Utley out for the first two months of the season, makes me happier every time I think about it. At the moment the prognosis for his recovery from a torn labrum in his hip ranges anywhere from missing two weeks if his rehab and rest goes well, to four or more months if he opts for surgery. Some are saying that he might “Chase Utley” his way through the season (Utley powered through the season with the injury and won the Series for the Phillies), but we all know that most infants are tougher than A-Rod, and he wouldn’t make it three weeks with the type of pain that Utley and Lowell suffered. Even if he tries to gut it out, he’ll feel it every time he swings, moves to field a ground ball or attempts to run the bases.

I always thought Douche-Rod was the bottom.

I always thought Douche-Rod was the bottom.

The part that really excites me is the impact it will have on the Yankees (and therefore the Red Sox) if he misses significant time. With all the pressure of their big contracts, and missing the best run producer in their lineup, CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett will find themselves responsible for keeping their team in games more often. Mark “My wife has a bigger dick than I do” Teixeira will become the focal point of a lineup that is aging quickly and scored three runs or less 73 times last season. He is a slow starter historically (.251 career AVG in April), is missing his best protection in the lineup and just signed an 8 year, $180 million contract in a city where people do not pay $810,000 for an opening day ticket to see you lose. Teixeira will be expected to carry guys like Johnny Damon, Derek Jeter (no matter how much you respect the guy you have to admit that him starting over Jimmie Rollins in the WBC is reedickyoulous), and Jorge Posada without A-Roid in the lineup and has never faced this kind of pressure. 

Not the Vancome Lady

On the flip side, without Douche-Rod (lets see how many insulting names for him I can use in one column) manning the hot corner, the Yanks have such luminaries as Cody Ransom or Angel Berroa (former AL Rookie of the Year) lined up to take the spot. This will not do for them if that replacement has to be there for the 4-5 months it would take for him to come back from surgery. The trading partners, on the other hand, would know that the Yanks are desperate, and force them to give up some high value prospects in a league where building from within is the new trend. Also, two of the most attractive options, Melvin Mora and Scott Rolen, are in the same division and would be very hard to get. Garret Atkins of the Rockies and the Mariners’ Adrian Beltre are also options, but both would be pricey in terms of prospects and addtions to the salary (but hey, for $2500 a seat on a normal game, im pretty sure Hank and Hal can afford it). 

Nobody knows at this point what is going to happen (except Yuri Sucart) but it seems that the Karma train is getting ready to hit The Biggest Douche in the Universe and his steroid using teammates ludicrously (yes, I went the plaid) hard. Either way, his removal from the lineup makes the Yankees worse, lightens up the load in one of the best divisions ever seen in baseball and makes it easier for the Red Sox to embarrass them more than they already have themselves. It makes me happy and if I’m evil because of that then I really don’t care.

Go Sox.


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Three and a Half Innings to Winter and Other Detritus

Last night the 2008 Baseball Season officially came to a close with the only 3-1/2 inning World Series game ever. It is now winter. Close the windows, turn on the heat and pack in for the next 111 days (or so, I’ll have an exact count when the schedule is announced). A few things to consider while you miserably picture the long, Soxless months ahead:

The end of the baseball season last night was as it should have been three days ago. The Phillies won 4-3 (2-1) in a game that lasted about 50 hours. The heroes were the unexpected and the expected. Geoff Jenkins led of the second half with a double and came around to score his first run since August 11th. Chase Utley made the big play in the field that the star was supposed to make (that fake to first then throw home play was sick. Seriously, he faked out the camera, the runner at first and Bartlett at third). That is the play that changed the game, he was not going to get Iwamura, but the fake, like every good fake, got somebody to make a mistake. Carlos Ruiz also made a great catch and tag. Pat Burrell hit a double in what will likely be his last at bat in that uniform. And then Brad Lidge, who converted every save opportunity he was given this season (47-47) made plenty of people nervous, but did what he always does. Ryan Howard’s tackle of Lidge and Ruiz after the final out was awesome. Congrats to the Phillies and the entire city of Philadelphia. 

There is nobody who I am happier for in the aftermath of last night’s game than the ageless Jaime Moyer. He was born and raised in Philly, was old enough in 1980 to have been at the last parade through the city to celebrate a World Series Championship, and last night, he seemed to be in that rare heaven reserved for kids who dream of bringing their hometown team a title. He deserves it. The fans were relatively sedate, the police out in force and the city is still standing. It was great to see.

Something that many Phillies fans can now tell you is that it’s all right to cry in certain situations. I spent a wonderful late night on October 27, 2004 (if you don’t know, you don’t get it) with tears in my eyes and hugging strangers in the street. So please, get off of Paul Pierce. The other night (as we have gotten used to around here) the Celtics put on a great show in raising Banner 17. It was scheduled down to the minute; where everyone would stand, who would do what, and who would say what. All except for the speech by our Captain. It was the one genuine moment of emotion on a night when emotion was the goal. Yes, it was selfish, and sounded more like a retirement speech. Yes, he did fail to thank his teammates and the fans (both of whom he has thanked at every other opportunity). It was not embarrassing (especially after he went out and scored 27, dominated Lebron, and showed why he was the captain). It was genuine, and at the end, as he thanked his Mom and Red, I couldn’t help but get a little teary-eyed myself. So sue me. 

Never Forget

Never Forget

One final thought before I bundle myself up and make some soup. Over the Monster had a great rundown on the Captain Question the other day. It laid out for all to see how Tek stands up with the other catchers in the offensive categories. It puts out the same plan that I preferred a week ago (resigning Tek and bringing in someone who may replace him in the future – Salty?) and also gives an interesting read on Dusty Brown (not Dusty Pete) who is the highest upside catching prospect in the Sox system. The one stat  that I am interested in is the pitching staff’s ERA with him behind the plate, and their ERA with Kevin Cash back there (3.67 for the Captain. 5.71 for Cash – not including the Wakefield factor). This is where his value is, where he really shines, and if everything else is average (which it balances out to be) then this information is what puts him over the top. So, stop hating on Tek, and let the Sox make their decision. (Please, Theo, no Pudge Rodriguez. We’ve already had the real Pudge, and this one isn’t even a shadow of what he was).

111 Days.


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