Tag Archives: Done is Gay

Artificial Turf: Patriots Keep at It, Suck on 3rd Down, Clutch on 4th.

Making Mondays not suck.

Making Mondays not suck.

This was a pretty good football weekend, even if you hate Favre as much as I do. Last night’s game was good enough to keep my attention till Green Bay’s final missed onside kick with under 2 minutes remaining. For a non-Pats game to hold my attention that long is truly a miracle. Monday night football has gotten exponentially better with the current trio in the booth, particularly the commentary between Jaws and Gruden. One of the most interesting thing they talked about was the history of teacher-student quarterback match ups through the years, most notably Joe Montana as a Cheif beating Steve Young and the 9ers. Jaws was recalling just how badly it seemed the Chief players wanted to do that for Joe, and how that same sense of elevated play could be felt in Minnesota’s dome last night.

Like I said, great game, even if you hate Favre and especially if you hate Green Bay.

But I digest.

Go. Patriots. They’re effing awesome. (And don’t worry, I’m not jinxing them because I’ve already been talking sh!t.) For the second week in a row, I headed to Gillette Stadium, this time as a guest of Katfish, thinking I was about to see the Patriots get it handed to them. Joe Flacco is a tough young QB and McClain, Watchyu Talkin Bout McGahee & Ray Rice are a formidable thunder, lightning and rain combination. Though if McGahee is the rain, he was held to a spitty New England mist, limited to 11 yards on 5 carries… Ray Rice however burned us for 103 yards that included a 50 yard scamper on 3rd and 20.

Pierre Woods and Ty Warren after a 2nd half defensive stand... Love to see em... need more of em.

Pierre Woods and Ty Warren after a 2nd half defensive stand... Love to see 'em... need more of 'em.

Though there were various frustrating points about yesterday’s game, there seem to be just as many positives. One such yin & yang is Lawrence Marony’s inability to move the ball the ball north & south as Sammy Morris’s skills as a backfield receiver improve. This is, of course, a nod to Coach Bill who elected to keep 5 running backs on the 53 man roster. (BJGE was inactive again last week.)

The most atrocious part of the team is 3rd down D. The Ravens converted on 9 of 14 3rd downs on Sunday and 4 in a row on their first sustained possession after  giving the Patriots the ball on the 12 freakin yard line and holding them to a g-d damn field goal. Perhaps the game would not have come down to the last Ravens drive of the game and some stellar defensive back play if we had stopped the Ravens on 3rd down earlier in the game. All I’m saying: I’m not all wet about this defensive unit like every single talk show host seems to be. Nut I am encouraged by the play of Guyton, Marriweather, and now Darius Butler who saved two touchdowns with solid corner play on two very good receivers. (Leigh Bodden also picked off the Patriots first INT of the season).

Thanks guys. That was awesome again.

Thanks guys. That was awesome again.

Randy and Tom got it going a little bit as well, exploiting a goal-line one on one which I was screaming about pre-snap from the stands. I’m almost certain they heard me. My favorite offensive look is Moss, Welker & Edelman, Watson and Faulk, though I don’t think we’re seeing enough Fred Taylor who only had 7 rushing attempts. That said, the Pats backs did exactly what I said they were supposed to do, combine for 100+ yards and a score. (Brady also ran one in. Go Him.)

I cant remember where I heard this... but of course the NFL has to protect the quarter backs... Ray Lewis killed a dude.

I can't remember where I heard this... but of course the NFL has to protect the quarter backs... Ray Lewis killed a dude.

Every positive factor will need to keep improving this week. Next week we fly to Denver to take on Josh McDaniels (who I told Denver they were lucky to have), Brandon Marshal (who has since stopped beating his girlfriend and teammates and is playing some sweeeeeet football) and Big Broski (who I can’t stand the thought of losing to because he throws temper tantrums… and that type of behavior can never be rewarded).

For the 5th week in a row, including week 1, the Patriots will take on an undefeated opponent. And this 3 game stretch is a huge test: ATL, BAL, DEN. But the Pats have reached the first quarter mark of the season with a low key 3-1 win/loss, some flashes of defensive fortitude and even a few offensive breakouts. We’re 3 wins into a long season and we’ve been given the perception that things are only getting better from here. At least we know the Denver offense pretty damn well.

StartMattCassel

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Big Papi did Steroids, But it’s Cool. Seriously.

Not exactly roid rage.

Not exactly roid rage.

So out it came. Juicin. ’04, ’07, Manny, Papi. Without question, if they aren’t in Boston those years, we get no hardware.

It’s really important to begin with that statement so that people know I’m still sane… but honestly, Papi did steroids, and I’m cool with it. We all knew it already, kinda, when it took him a zillion plus games to hit his first dinger this year, and even if that wasn’t a direct result of him stopping when ever he did, it was enough to introduce the suspicion and condemn him subconsciously… the irony of course being that we were all right.

But I’m not givin’ back squat. I’m keeping my World Series trophies and I’m still rooting for Big Papi. Sure, if he was a Yankee, or Manny, or a pre-existing a-hole (or Rod), then ya, I’d freakin’ hate him… but he isn’t. He’s a guy that has been universally loved by every member of the Nation and he and his wife Tiffany have been model community citizens. Big Papi is good for Boston and for baseball. Barry Bonds was a pre-existing a-hole and A-Rod is so despicable that the best thing we could say about him was “at least he isn’t Bonds.” (Now we can just hate them both regardless… which is nice.)

It's Cool.

I’m cool with Papi because his equation still checks out. Whether or not you are one of the greats is a formula. Clemens was an a-hole (negative), but he was a dominating pitcher who mastered the mound (double positive). Clemens’ equation before steroids checked out because even though he was an a-hole, he was also The Rocket. Introduce steroids and he’s just some a-hole on drugs, his equation got thrown all out of wack.

Papi is a model citizen, involved with philanthropy and community, has a local business and a charming smile, helped bring 2 World Series trophies to Boston, blasted countless bombs on to Landsdowne Street and beyond, put smiles on the faces of MILLIONS of people and… ya, he juiced some. In an era when almost everyone was doin’ it (please not you, Griffey… please), pitchers and hitters alike, Papi Juiced. And when I look at everything he’s meant to the Sox, I’m square with it.

So go screw, Yankees fans; when you do it it’s cheating, when we do it, it’s just tryin’ harder. And ya, I actually feel that way.

StartMattCassel

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I want a 1908 Sox jersey with Wakefield’s name & number on the back

The Very Good, Tim Wakefield.

The Very Good, Tim Wakefield.

Wake goes 6 scoreless (3 hit ball) and passes it off to Delcarmen, Masterson and Papelbon who allow only 1 hit and register a hld a hld and a s. I love initials. Sox win, 1-0.

If Tim Wakefield isn’t an all star this year, I kill a bunny.

***

Don’t forget to get your beer early today before the liquor stores close and the soccer game coverage starts at 2. I’ll probably watch the first the half, get some conversational bullet points and then go play some golf. It’s totally OK to be a casual fan.

StartMattCassel

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What’s up with this Matt Cassel thing?

Matching freakin handbags. Come on, Tom... I have friends in other cities that I need to defend this crap to. Please dont make it so hard for me.

Matching freakin handbags. Come on, Tom... I have friends in other cities that I need to defend this crap to. Please don't make it so hard for me.

The whole “StartMattCassel” thing started after Super Bowl 42 ended an 18-0 run and a shot at an entirely unbeaten season. It was an amazing football season and it seemed completely as though the Patriots were simply unbeatable. Brady was without question the most valuable player on the field but his off the field antics, which included a baby mama, a Brazilian super model, endorsements that weren’t as funny as Peyton Manning’s, a God Damn Yankees hat and frequent man purse usage were all at career high levels.

My friends from around the NFL centric world were asking how could I stand that dbag, Brady. This was, of course, the first time I realized there was this nation wide hatred for the Home Town Deity. I mean, Brady is actually and undeniably one of the best football players of all time. Ultimate decision maker, the coolest under pressure, humble in victory and gracious in defeat. (Yes, in typing this, I would think he was a dbag too I guess… but I digest.)

I told the haters that you can get away with anything as long as you’re winning, and that’s the check you write when you become an eccentric. You are saying: I do what I want, and I’m the best fucking quarterback in the history of the NFL. Well the check bounced at the First Bank of New York, Glendale, Arizona, Super Bowl 42.

And I was pissed.

I hung a sign outside my office door that read “NO PATRIOTS TALK.”

Tom Brady, personally and deliberately, made me look like a schmuck to all of my NFL rival fans around the country.

A couple months later Big Brosky had contacted me about joining his Fantasy Football League, a popular national craze that I have formerly been vehemently opposed to, and I accepted his challenge (yes, when another guy asks you to be in his fantasy football league, it’s a challenge) because it seemed like a great way to be in better contact with him as he lives in Denver and is a freaking Broncos fan.

So StartMattCassel was born.

Number 16 in your program, number 1 in your heart.

Number 16 in your program, number 1 in your heart.

I had intended on drafting Brady with my first round pick and then also drafting Cassel so that I could actually start Cassel over Brady, but this guy Tom picked him with his first pick before I could so I took Randy Moss. Around the 8th or 9th round, I fulfilled my goal of drafting Matt Cassel as my fantasy QB. My team name, of course, StartMattCassel.

Week 1, against… Kansas Effing City… Brady takes the low shot to the knee, tears everything, makes a series of bad decisions that lead him to some freaking childhood doctor cutting his knee open, screwing up the surgery and then cutting his knee open again. Big Broski and Done (as they were yet to be called at the time) texted me simultaneously about Brady – I was in the West Virginia Airport flying home from an awesome white water rafting trip. (I did win the Fantasy League, by the way… and I AM playing again.)

So in comes Cassel, throws a BOMB to Moss who took a run down the sideline and the Matt Cassel Bandwagon had begun. I, its Conductor.

We saw him through a few weeks of growing pains, as he learned to play football at the NFL pace, and we saw flashes of brilliance as he statistically matched Brady’s own circumstantial early career numbers. An entire football team fan base just opened up and accepted Matt Cassel as he took the Patriots 11 wins deep, the second team (1985 Broncos, and don’t complain Big Broski, you weren’t even coherent) with as many wins to ever miss the playoffs.

Get youre Effing head on straight, Bill.

Get you're Effing head on straight, Bill.

He gives us the ultimate gift, he makes himself tradeable. And what do we do??? We couple him in to a freaking Vrabel deal that shouldn’t have have ever fucking been made any way!!!! DAMMIT. What the EFF is PreMature No Brains thinking!?!?!?! CASSEL AND VRABEL FOR A FREAKING SECOND ROUND PICK TO A TEAM THAT HAS ONE OF THE BEST TE’s IN THE GAME AND THE #3 OVER ALL PICK IN THE DRAFT. WHAT THE EFFING EFF????

I’ve heard the salary cap explanation. WRONG. Cassel’s numbers were NEVER going on our books anyway! He was gone no matter what and we owed Vrabel FOUR FREAKIN MILLION DOLLARS… for a hard working, talented and smart linebacker with THREE Super Bowl Rings.

Quite honestly, I just didn’t believe it. That’s why it’s taken so long for me to respond to this. I just keep waiting for the rest of the trade details unfold and for us as a collective fan base to throw our heads back and slap ourselves on the forehead and go “OH YAAAAHHHHH… well that’s why he’s the coach.”

… But it doesn’t seem to be turning out quite that way.

There is only one viable explanation for this. Scott Pioli has dirty black & white photographs of Bill Bellichick and Tom Brady. Doing stuff.

There is simply no other earthly possibility… except to either say that it was actually Pioli who pulled all the strings or that Bill just plain old screwed the pooch because he couldn’t negotiate effectively with a friend. Effing Ess.

So here’s what I’m hoping:

Kansas City aquires a combination of 5 Super Bowl rings in the Cassel/Vrabel deal.

Kansas City aquires a combination of 5 Super Bowl rings in the Cassel/Vrabel deal.

It turns out that this injury happened to Brady right at the perfect time. His personal life was getting uncontrollable and too public and he needed to refocus himself professionally. He’s spent the last 9 months rehabbing in a remote paradise, avoiding public appearances and getting married. He will come back from his injury no more affected than what another season in the NFL would have done to him and he will be ready to kick ass for 8 more years.

Fred Taylor will be a beast, we will sign Derrick Brooks and Ray Lewis (under a condition that he doesn’t kill any body), draft Laurinaitis, a corner and a couple sick interior linemen, Marriweather goes All Pro next year, Welker catches 164 passes and Randy and Brady break their own single season TD records.

I’m looking forward to meeting the 34th pick in the draft, who will be replacing Matt Cassel and Mike Vrabel.

Effing. Ess.

Good luck, Vrabel, and thank you for everything. About Vrabel, this quote was taken from an AP report: “When Mike arrived in 2001, we knew we were adding a solid outside linebacker,” said Belichick, “But where Mike took it from there exceeded our highest hopes. Mike Vrabel epitomizes everything a coach could seek in a professional football player: toughness, intelligence, playmaking, leadership, versatility and consistency at the highest level. Behind the scenes, Mike’s wit and personality is one of the things we have all enjoyed about coming to work every day. The toughest aspect of my job is the day I stop coaching people like Mike, who did everything in his power to contribute to team success. Of all the players I have coached in my career, there is nobody I enjoyed working with more than Mike. In the same way people recognize guys like Troy Brown, we appreciate and thank Mike Vrabel. He is one of the very special Patriots champions.”

Sincerely,

StartMattCassel (FluffWesWelker) (SoLongMattCasselYou’reAFuckingChiefNowAndI’mSuperPissedAtBelichick)

P.S. Now that he is on a different team and I have to hate him, I can’t be named after Cassel. So please, submit your ideas for a new name. The lucky winner will get some type of prize which may include Gisele’s younger sister, a sampling of cheeses, or the Mystery Box (which could even be a boat).

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You Can’t Bullshit a Bullshiter.

Alex Rodriguez struggled to find the right words at points in todays press conference.

Alex Rodriguez struggled to find the right words at points in today's press conference.

I looked at my phone yesterday at 2:07pm. I had just finished a lunchtime workout and was going over some calculations in my head in preparation for a god awful 3 hours of micro economics this evening. I was thinking about efficiency regarding utils of labor resources put into making a product verses the actual production, which seems to be unsolvable when it comes to steroid’s actual effect on baseball… but I digest.

I had three texts, from my dad, cousin and roommate, about what a douchebag A-Rod is so I realized the press conference was on and rolling. I flipped on the TV, ESPN of course although several other news stations were covering the story as well, and I saw 100’s of people out for more public crucifixion of Alex Rodriguez. Though A-Rod has pretty much gone about this the right way from a PR standpoint (after a lifetime of bonehead PR moves), there is a whole lot of pent up anger for a guy who, will albeit become the next HR King*, hasn’t done much (or anything) by way of championships and clutch play. He’s not a scary opposition, talented as he may be.

Pete Rose... doesnt seem so bad anymore... but this picture should keep him banned from baseball.

Pete Rose... doesn't seem so bad anymore... but this picture should keep him banned from baseball.

I think the baseball fan’s intuition towards sniffing out a liar or a phony is stronger than one may think, and the sense has been heightened and bittered by Pete Rose and the last 3 years of baseball “cleaning itself up.” And let me tell you, from this Baseball Fan to another, A-Rod is still full of shit.

At times, I found Mr. Rod’s remarks to be thoughtful and unscripted. He held off tears at times and fumbled a few catch phrases… He blames only himself and is the only major athlete of his stature to ever address performance enhancing drugs (and taking them) as an active player. But in general, it is clear that he knows more than he’s telling us and his contradictions speak volumes.

1st of all, the Gene Orza timeline and actions contradict one another from the Gammons interview to yesterday’s press conference. To Gams, Rodriguez had no contact or conversation regarding the testing and being tipped off. Yesterday we were told differently and that makes me think he’s not telling the whole truth about Orza’s involvement. Minute as this detail may be, it is a lie.

Secondly, to Gams, A-Rod skirted the issue of procurement ENTIRELY, and he got off the hook for it. (Gammons should have gone after him more on this issue but it wasn’t that kind of interview and Gammons is too respectful to be that kind of interviewer… which is how ESPN scored the first exclusive response and A-Rod’s camp agreed to it). Just in the nick of time, A-Rod now has a response to this: He got it from his “stupid… and ignorant” cousin in the Dominican where Alex would go to train and play off-season ball. This was a very popular move at the time, explained Buster Olney on ESPN after the conference; the players that went to the DR to train, of which there were many, were known to have a clear edge over other players because you could get many banned and illegal substances over the counter. I’d love to know the incentives Cousin Rod is getting out of this. He’s probably moved into the same gated community as Ty Law’s Cousin, right next to the “friend” Michael Irvin found his crack pipe with.

Bud Selig is set for his upcoming debut on Tool Academy.

Bud Selig is set for his upcoming debut on Tool Academy.

This was not an uncommon way to get steroids. And A-Rod reinforced to Gammons about 4 times that the culture was very “Lossy-Goosey.” Yet yesterday he was ADAMANT that he NEVER saw or heard of any other ball player …on a team entrenched in steroid abuse and culture, the Texas Rangers… using steroids. Players during Alex’s tenure alone include Rafael Palmeiro, John Rocker, Juan Gonzalez and Pudge Rodriguez. (Gabe Kapler was there too… but no matter what he did, he’s cool.)

I am familiar with lies. We have all told them, big and small, and if there is anything that we can all agree on about a lie is that it is about a million times harder to explain than the truth. Each lie that A-Rod tells (even though he IS giving us a lot of truths by lacing them into the lies) must be supported by a network of more obscure lies.

The True Home Run King

The True HR King

Alex Rodriguez is full of shit and the people hate him for it. He’s getting backlogged anger for not ever producing in the clutch, never winning a ring and making bazillions of dollars. He is a douchebag. Yet, he held us hostage as fans because everyone thought that Bonds was a bigger douchebag and A-Rod was supposed to be the guy that cleaned up the records. And here we are again… back to Conseco being right… again, and Selig being an absolute wuss about the whole mess. Unfortunately, the only person that seems to be aggressively pursuing the truth is Jose Effing Canseco!

We can argue about this later… but while Canseco may not deserve to be IN the Hall of Fame… one could make the argument that no person has changed the game more.

The Home Run King is Hank Aaron and I want Griffey to be clean in the worst way.

StartMattCassel

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Artificial Turf: Favre Retires… For 2nd Time in 11 Months

Young Favre

Young Favre

It has been reported by multiple sources and his agent (as it should have been done 3 years ago) that Brett Favre will retire “for good this time.” The 39 year-old, 18 year veteran of the league leaves behind him a trail of cheese, irrational hatred, an assortment of NFL passing records, a Super Bowl Ring, a bunch of Wrangler Jeans, asshole New Yorkers and a sure fire bet as a first ballot Hall of Famer. He retires as the NFL’s all-time leader in touchdowns (464), completions (5,720), attempts (9,281), yards (65,127), wins (169) and interceptions (310), bonehead plays attempted (1,427) and boneheaded plays completed (583).

Favre played the game without expressing any signs of doing it anything other than 150% percent his way. Stubborn, aggressive, irrational and unchanging. All things that may be said about me one day… but on the field, at the helm of an entire franchise, it is also imperative that you sync with those around you. This is what I believe to be Brett’s biggest downfall. His emotional leadership, toughness and ability to play through injury does not mean that he did his best at helping his team on the field, his job primary concern.

Brett Favre could have been better at helping his team win. Stubborn and shoot-from-the-hip aggressiveness is streaky because it relies on a gamble. And for every gamble that the house won, it hurt his team. Being the all time leader in TDs isn’t as good as not being the all time leader in INTs and having more Bling. Perhaps if Favre had taken more instruction and coaching, he would have benefited from more restraint; while this would have surely taken away from his big play potential, it would have decreased his stupid play potential as well. Simply because Favre always had mental toughness doesn’t necessarily mean he had mental intelligence.

Even still, the Hall of Fame cowboy (not the team, the homosexual image we all have after Brokeback Mountain) rides off into the sunset to the cheers of middle America. Again.

StartMattCassel

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Correction: Dom Capers / Mike Nolan

In yesterday’s Artificial Turf column, it was reported that New England Defensive Backs coach, Dom Capers, will join Josh McDaniels in Denver as Defensive Coordinator. This is not the case. Former 49’s coach Mike Nolan will be taking over as Defensive Coordinator.

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