Tag Archives: Mark Teixeira

Do It For Your Moms!

Bill Hall knows how to do it for his mom.

After two days of being treated like a red headed step child, hopefully the Sox will show up and put one on the Yanks for their Mom’s today. Lester’s back on the hill (and he’s been absolutely nasty lately) to try to shut down mom-haters Mark Tiexiera and Douche-Rod, the primary antagonists for pretty much everything the Sox do these days.

I’ve already expressed my opinion (in poop) about all of the events of friday night, on the diamond, court and ice, and there’s not much more to say about a Sox team that looked like they just wanted to get out of the rain yesterday because they were afraid of messing up their hair.

Unfortunately Bill Hall’s not in the lineup to continue his Pink Bat mastery, but the Sox have a chance to pinch a big one on one of their favorite pinstriped punching bags, A.J. “Who Farted” Burnett. What better way to honor  your mother than kicking some Yankee ass?

Go Sox.

Done.

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MLB GM Meetings 2009: Varitek Exercises Option, John Henry Needs To Sack Up.

Scott Boras (Satan), speaking last night, at the GM Meetings in Chicago, responding to a question about the Sox pursuit of Mark Teixeira last winter –

TeixBot

Most Hateable Yankees Team Ever.

“Well, after this season, I would say that the Boston Red Sox had a chance to sign Mark Teixeira before the New York Yankees did. Because we gave them an offer. That’s the best I can do for owners, when you give them a chance to sign a player. The player was earnest in coming here at the time and he presented them with an offer and they could have accepted it.”

Basically, Boras is calling out John Henry as a cheap bastard.

John Henry and The Red Sox Version Of Yoko Ono

Hey, Yoko, stop spending all of the guy's goddamn money.

Seriously, John? We, the fans of your team, have sold out your stadium over five hundred times in a row. We have made your regional sports network the most profitable part of the company and we have bought enough merchandise to finance your wife’s wardrobe. All that we ask is that you strap on a pair of man balls and spend the money that will bring us the championship (and you the tremendous profits) that we all want. All I’m saying is that if Jason Bay’s agent says something like this at the end of next season, John Henry might have to lose a toe in the worst way imaginable.

Jake Taylor

And here's to one more season in the sun.

In other news, the Red Sox catching corps for 2010 has been officially settled now with Jason Varitek  picking up his own $3 Million player option for next year. He will be backing up Victor, teaching him how to scout and keep records like he does and helping him handle the pitching staff. the situation makes me wonder if the Sox need to hire a bench coach at all when they could use the Captain in the same capacity on most days. If Tito gets tossed, I don’t think there is anyone else who I would be more comfortable with managing the game, even if he does it from behind the plate every now and then.

The GM meetings have now pretty much wrapped up and nothing truly exciting has happened. Free agency doesn’t start until November 20th and even then we will likely have to wait until the Winter Meetings in December before things really get started. Until then it’s all just baseless speculation and rumor, which I love.

Go Sox.

95 Days.

Done.

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Where Have You Gone Pedro Martinez? A Nation Turns Its Lonely Eyes To You.

Just a couple a guys horsin' around.

I never thought I’d be so excited for another Pedro Martinez start. I remember when he cam to Boston in the winter of 1998. All of a sudden there were people from the Dominican Republic everywhere. Italian guys with George Hamilton tans were all of a sudden waiving Dominican flags and pretending to be just like Pedro. He made it cool to be a Sox fan again, gave us hope that even in the midst of the least hateable Yankees run possible (you couldn’t hate Torre, because he’s just a stand up guy, and Jeter was still a superstar who played the game right, worked hard and deserved everything that he got, unlike now. Yes, that is the least hateable Yankees team, except for when they suck), our long national nightmare, also known as 86 years o’ pain, was coming to an end.

Just a couple a guys horsin' around.

Pedro was appointment viewing in the days before TiVo made that obsolete. Every time he took the ball he could do something amazing. Would he pitch ten perfect innings and then lose because his team couldn’t score (that once happened to him), or would he give up three homers in five innings and go down in flames (also happened)? No matter whether he pitched well or poorly, Pedro was the freaking man. All you need to do is make a list of the things he did in his first few seasons here to remember how great he was: 17 K one hit in Yankee Stadium, Game 5 1999 ALDS, carrying around a celebrity (apparently he was huge in the DR) midget for the second half of the 2004 season, using more Soul Glo than Eriq LaSalle in Coming to America. Just to name a few.

Oh ya, he's a gamer, too.

And tonight, as he takes the mound against Andy Pettite in a match up which would have had every Fox executive walking around with a huge erection ten years ago, we fans of the Boston Red Sox turn to Pedro again.

This time we turn to him not to help us erase nearly a century worth of misery and pain, but to save us from a winter full of the same. The Yankees fans, never believers in not counting their chickens before they have hatched, are already coming out of the woodwork. A whole new generation of douchebag pink hat Yankees fans are all of a sudden telling us how they have suffered through the past nine years, and how the Yankees did it the right way. They keep walking into my office and saying, “How about those Yankees?”

GOOOOOOOOO 'DRO!

We need Pedro to keep us from a winter of these people having their delusions fed into by the media. Sure, Joe Buck is already planning the train the Yanks are going to run on him after the Series, and it was hard to understand McCarver (moreso than usual) as he tried to call the game with A-Rod’s steroid reduced balls in his mouth, but the rest of the media has so far been uncontaminated. And we all know that the worst is yet to come, with Rodriguez’ first ring will come the inevitable book (he may be illiterate, but if Johnny Damon can write a book so can he) and ESPN’s retrospective on A-Rod as the greatest player ever. Teixeira would grace the cover of a Wheaties box telling kids to eat healthy and work hard so that someday their wife can carry their balls in her purse. A.J. Burnett and C.C. Sabathia will open up their on line of soaps (made Fightclub style from fat liposuctioned out of Sabathia’s ass) and shaving creams (perfect for pieing the faces of guys who are less overpaid than you and actually contribute).

So please Pedro, let your Soul Glo, and give us one more night of baseball, and a better chance of not having to hide until pitchers and catchers report. Another playoff collapse for the Yanks would just be icing on the cake.

Go Sox.

102 Days.

Done.

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Why I Simply Can’t Get Myself Interested in The League Championship Series.

Does anyone else find it hard to keep watching baseball this season? At the end of last year, I found myself completely engrossed in the World Series, even lacking a local presence. This season, however, I just can’t get interested. The games might as well be (non World Cup) soccer for all the energy and thought I have put into them. I have been keeping up with what is going on, but there is really no compelling story to keep me reeled in, especially after the Angels lost the first two games to the Yanks. Each of the teams has flaws, and something of a story, but there are no reasons to like any of them.

I just can't get over this picture.

I just can't get over this picture.

The Yankees – Wow, another Steinbrenner paid for quarter billion dollar juggernaut is racing towards a championship? Somebody alert the Pope, he may want to add another book to the Bible. These guys are not even likable in the least way. Their best players are a Boras-Bot whose wife clearly wears the pants in the relationship,  a blue lipped billionaire who has to be on the roids again because his traditional October crapout is still to come, and a guy so fat that his jersey has more pinstripes on it than anyone’s in history. The $560 million or so devoted to these three guys has made them less fun, where as most of us, if given that kind of dollars, would be much more fun. Do you care about these guys? Do you hope that they get the title that will help validate their lives? I thought not.

What the hell does a Monkey have to do with the Angels?

What the hell does a Monkey have to do with the Angels?

The Angels – They are the team of destiny, the team that lost one of their own early in the season, and the team that tore the huge monkey off of their backs last week by taking down the team that had ousted them four straight times. On Saturday night, the bars in Boston were full of people rooting for them to crush the Yanks as they had the Sox. But there is something missing, most likely their ability to beat the Yanks at the stadium, any semblance of a reliable closer, and the East coast bias that refuses to let me care about them. Were they up 2-0 instead of down right now I’d probably be wearing my old Angels little league shirt (from the team coached by Jimmy Junk) and cheering about how they are going to cause a murder-suicide (Cashman-Steinbrenner) at the end of the season. As is, I could really care less. (Unless they win tonight and tomorrow).

Most people I know from Philly like it in the face.

Most people I know from Philly like it in the face.

The Phillies – They won last year and didn’t make many changes over the winter. The city of Philadelphia is too recently sated with a title to completely explode and burn it self down like they almost did last year when they won. They have no personality and even Pedro seems to have toned down the Soul Glo in his hair. Nobody except for Cliff Lee is on this ride for the first time and most of them are just too damn businesslike. In short, they are boring, and nobody likes a boring story. At least if it were Detroit we would be able to take bets on the over/under of arrests made in the celebration or how quickly the city would be abandoned after the fires.

Nuff Ced.

Nuff Ced.

The Dodgers – Have no shot. Who exactly is on their team? Oh, they do have the only really compelling character in either series, in Andre Ethier, but he’s not enough, and their pitching staff is weaker than Troy Duffy’s hopes to win an Oscar.

118 Days.

Go Sox.

Done.

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Red Sox Lose to Angels in the Playoffs: The World is Coming to an End.

That was not fun. In the spirit of the day, here is an old favorite which will hopefully put the kick ass back into the Sox, B’s and Fred Taylor’s ankle.

************************************************************************************************

With a new year at our doorstep, it is time to give our teams the momentum they need by telling them how bad 2009 will actually be for them. Last year, at the start of 2008, Dan “The Curly Haired Boyfriend (where did this nickname come from? He has curly hair, but I’m pretty sure he isn’t anyone’s boyfriend)” Shaughnessy decided to tell us how great the year was going to be. He wrote out each of the predictions in the form of the headlines, predicting the greatest possible outcome for the local sports teams (except the Bruins). Of course, everything went exactly opposite of what Dan, in his lame attempt at humor said, sometimes in the most painful way (see: SuperBowl XLII). The 35 game NFL winning streak, Ellsbury’s amazing season (and another World Series Title with a happy Left Fielder), the complete disappearance of the Boston Bruins, and Jim Rice’s election into the HOF are among the things that Shaughnessy jinxed us out of, though he did get the C’s title right (a drunken lemur could have gotten that one right).

If that’s how it’s gonna be, we will do our own lame predictions for the year ahead. So, as I watch the Ravens play (and beat) the goddamn Dolphins in the playoffs, I will channel the spirit of Will McDonough (the legendary Globe sportswriter who called Clemens a “Texas Con Man” 20 years before the Mitchell report) and Reverse Cheer our boys to victory in 2009.

THE BOSTON RED SOX will miss the big bat in the middle their lineup, as “Big Floppy” David Ortiz hits only three homeruns and Kevin Youkilis’ beard becomes sentient and causes him to tear an ACL in a bizarre mid season attack on Mike Lowell. The pitching staff does well enough, but with Dice-K leaving every game after throwing 120 pitches in three scoreless innings and Tim Wakefield striking out 300 (all of whom reached first on passed balls) it will be hard to win with only 0.78 runs of support per game. 12 wins will not be enough to make the playoffs. The Yankees, on the other hand, win 120 games and sweep the playoffs to win the Series. CC Sabathia is going to lose 40 lbs and win 30 games and Mark “Sexi Texi” Teixeira will become the first man since Yaz in ’67 to win the triple crown with 75 HR, 193 RBI and a .410 BA. Tony Massaroti  will come out of hibernation in November, be told the news and instantly commit Hari-Kari. Jim Rice will miss the Hall of Fame by one vote and refuse to talk to the media, even in his job at NESN, ever again. I will shit my pants, twice.

THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS will allow Matt Cassel to go in free agency, following reports that Tom Brady’s knee is 100% on track to be ready for training camp. These reports will turn out to be wrong as Brady is killed on the first day of camp, when his knee collapses, stabbing his own tibia through his abdomen. It's gonna hurtKevin O’Connell will then inherit the mantle of quarterback and lead the Patriots to an 11-5 record, but miss the playoffs again due to the fact that the Dolphins could not beat the Matt Cassel and Josh McDaniels led Jets. The Jets will go on to beat the Browns, who are rebuilt by Pioli and Mangini, in the AFC Championship, before losing the Superbowl to Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings. StartMattCassel will change his name to WelkersFluffer (if you don’t know what that means I ain’t gonna tell you).

THE BOSTON CELTICS will never recover from the Christmas day loss to the Lakers, posting the opposite record (3-27) in the next thirty games. Get out the Paper BagsRay Allen’s ankles will explode, impaling both Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce with pieces of bone. Garnett will laugh off the injury, keep playing and bleed to death while dunking on Zydrunas Ilgauskas.Pierce will sit down for two months and come back just in time to lead the Celtics to the eighth seed in the east, but get swept in the first round by the Cavaliers and Ilgauskas, who absorbed the power of KG, Highlander style, when the Big Ticket died. Rajon Rondo will retire, figuring that he will never have as good a team to distribute the ball to, and Kendrick Perkins will eat himself out of the league in one afternoon at Sizzler. AngryBlackAle will continue to be angry.

THE BOSTON BRUINS will stop playing like it’s the last half of 2008, and start playing like it’s the first half of 2005, when they were locked out.Communism WinsClaude Julien will start acting like the French guy who he stole the name from and start surrendering at the start of every game. Tim Thomas and Manny Fernandez will go on strike after getting snubbed from the All Star ballot, and Zdeno Chara will hit his head on the Jumbotron, knocking him out for the month of March. The City of Boston will finally acknowledge that the Bruins are really, really good, just in time for them to lose 12 straight games in shootouts. The Montreal Canadiens will win the Stanley Cup and force everone in America to start speaking French. This will cause us to surrender to China, and the Communists will win.

IN OTHER NEWS, Plaxico Burress will shoot off the tip of his penis while carrying a gun in his banana hammock on vacation in Mexico (Thanks Catfish). Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds will both be convicted of perjury and be sentenced to spend the next four years injecting each other in the butt. Heath Ledger will be snubbed at the Oscars and come back from the dead to appear at the show and yell at those who didn’t vote for him (Best. Movie. Ever.) Rickey Henderson will announce at his Hall of Fame induction that he wants to play this season, and will then sign a deal with the Marlins. The owners of Anheuser-Busch will realize that, by selling their company to Belgians, they have lost any claim on the title of “The Great American Lager” and will stop airing that commercial where they almost mention this site (“Some guy in Boston told me to get out of his yard“) in connection with their shitty beer.

39 days.

Done.

*****************************************************************************************************************

Things can only go up.

Go Sox.

Done.

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52 Games and One Glimmering Ray of Hope Off the Bat Of Victor Martinez.

What are reasons that the Sox season isn’t over.

Here is the series of texts between myself and SMC last night at 10:40 PM:

Bard SucksSMC: That was all me. I sat down at the casino and said: hit this thing the mother f#$% out of the mother f#$%ing park. Everyone was appalled till it happened.

SMC: And now I’m the man.

ME: Play a hand of blackjack

SMC: We suck again. Cut them all. Where is halladay? And holiday? F#$% everybody.

ME: Your fault for claiming responsibility. Cunt.

SMC: F#$% everybody.

ME: I hope bard breaks Arods wrists.

SMC: F#$% swisher.

ME: With a Sharp Stick.

In reality, we were both pissed off.

This guy is a robot and an asshole, an assbot. The Fact of the matter is that we (by we I’m meaning the Sox, and possibly SMC who is in some godforsaken corner of the world, and though it is beautiful, the only thing that is keeping him sane is an IV of crown Royal and a steady stream of blackjack tables) have a 6-1/2 game deficit in the division, a tie for the wild card and fifty Two games left to go in this increasingly 2006-esque season and need some things to go right to avoid an end worse than the Crocodile Hunter. We need at least one of the pitchers (Matsuzaka, Wakefield, anybody else with an arm who can spot a fastball) to come back healthy and produce the way we all know they can. We need to get the bullpen a rest, and mostly, we need the bats to wake the f#$% up.

We Feel The Same Way

We Feel The Same Way

I’m not going to go through the stats of the past three nights, but the Bats have to come awake if anything is going to happen. This has become a slump (except against the Orioles, who suck ass) of epic proportions, with the complete inability to get a productive out, a big hit or even a home run in a the Stadium that is quickly giving a new meaning to the term launching pad. In the past three days, even Youk, Pedroia and Ellsbury have been on the slide, leaving most of us bored and in pain. other than the brief, glimmering ray of hope (which was crushed seven minutes later) provided by Victor’s bomb in the eight, this has been a week of despair like none I have seen since that bad five gamer in ’06.

Of course if you listen to most of the New York media, it may as well be October already.

We’re back at home tonight, and everything will be O.K.

Go Sox.

Done.

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Lester, Red Sox let Yanks hear all the boo at the New Stadium.

Let’s total this up, MasterCard style. Brand new ballpark with all the amenities (including their very own portal to hell) that a ball player, fan or executive could want: $1.5 Billion. One fat lefty: $160 million. Guy who only is good when he needs to be to get paid: $82.5 million. .195 Batting Average, 5 home runs and 12 RBI through May 4: $180 million.

Mark Teixeira, you know this is true

Mark Teixeira, you know this is true

Hearing all four fans at Coors Field New Yankee Stadium boo when their team loses it’s fourth in a row to the Red Sox: Priceless.

It was a pretty good night in most respects last night. The two hour plus rain delay allowed me to watch House before the game started (and sober, which might not have been the best way to watch that one), and then the Sox won 6-4. Sure, Papelbon gave us an adventurous ninth (he will not be available tonight after throwing 11 billion pitches to get through a five out save), Ram-Ram gave up his first run of the season, and Teixeira padded his stats in a losing cause (hmmmm… Which steroid loving douche does that remind me of?), but we won and there were good signs all around.

Another Double.

Another Double.

Lester looked great, other than two bad pitches in the fifth, and tied his career high with 10Ks. He had everything going and made some of the hitters he faced look absolutely ridiculous. Ortiz went 2-3 with another two doubles (bringing his season total to 9, on pace for 57) and struck the ball with such authority that he was walked intentionally in the eighth to get to Jeff Bailey. Lowell continues to rake on a better pace than Leigh Teixeira’s wife, hitting his 5th home run, getting his 26th RBI and bringing his average to .307. The Buzzard was awesome as usual, giving us the margin of victory by saying, “Eff the short right field porch. I’m gonna hit one 2/3 of the way up the left field foul pole,” while going 3-5 and wondering what this pressure thing is that got to so many players in this rivalry.

But, first and foremost was our first look at the Stadium. I am not afraid to admit that it is beautiful. It has everything that a fan could want. The food is supposed to be terrific and the players love the new digs. Unfortunately nobody can get in. Yes, I know the stands were emptied out by the rain, and that it was more full at some point, but there were thousands of tickets available for a Red Sox game, and not just the newly discounted $1,250 ones. That didn’t happen in the old stadium.

The Ass Hole of the Universe

The idea of it as a launching pad is not bad for visitors (Damon’s shot would have been a fly out at Fenway) and the game looked good. Of course, it was built for TV and the number of seats that can’t see parts of the field would make it a whole different ballgame if you paid to get in. Even Girardi is so disgusted with the sightlines that he left the game early (tossed by Ump Jerry Meals for arguing balls and strikes).

For those who were switching back and forth between Dave Roberts’ NESN Debut (Eck’s Hair, Donny-O and He Who Stole Second Base in the same booth: I would listen to these three order appetizers) and the ESPN broadcast (no Joe Morgan, so Phillips and Hershiser did a good job of it) you might have noticed the funniest part of the whole place and the fact that it is a testament to Yankee arrogance. In the Yankees Museum (not a bad addition to any ballpark, having the team’s history on display is cool, just take a look in the EMC club someday) there is a display case showing the trophies from the four series that the club won in the 90’s. That is not unexpected. What shows the Yankee arrogance though is that it is underneath a sign that reds “The Derek Jeter Era.” Hilariously, they have already deemed the era over.

Julio Lugo in the lineup: Sox Lose. Julio Lugo on the bench: Sox win.

Beckett gets the ball tonight against the Slug (Joba) and there are tickets available folks.

Go Sox.

Done.

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