Tag Archives: Matt Cassel

Artificial Turf: We were 11-5 last season?

I remeber him having 400 yards and 3 touchdowns per game... At least.

This year’s Patriots team hasn’t quite been the offensive juggernaut I was sortof hoping for… and trading away our best defensive end in return for futures didn’t really elevate the play of our young defense. That being said, Bill’s boys are on top of the division after limping to a 9 and 5 record with 2 games to go… and they aren’t gimmies. No games are gimmies for this team, as evidenced by the boring 17-10 win over the Buffalo Bills.

I just want you to catch the ball... more.

Randy moss had ONE score in 5 catches for 70 yards… and two other attempts that could’ve been huge but weren’t, and Welker was held to a very pedestrian 40 yards on 4 receptions… but there was just no explosion on the offensive side of the ball… nothing that stood out as a factor that other teams need to contend with. This limpalong football has left us wanting more… and all around the league other teams are solidifying their identities…while here in NEW ENGLAND I would be terrified to play the Raiders… or the other left coast team, Whom the Bengals had to matchup against this past weekend on the coattails of a real team tragedy.

By the time I had seen the coverage on Sports Center about Chris Henry, they were reporting that he was in critical condition after falling out of the bed of a pick-up truck following a “domestic dispute” between Henry and his fiance. They reported that Henry was on life support with critical injuries and he was surrounded by his family. Later that morning, when the timeline had been pieced together, I learned he had died earlier, prior to the live reports I saw.

Chris Henry with his family.

In 55 games, the mentally plagued Henry amassed 21 touchdown catches in 55 games over 5 NFL seasons, all with Cinci. He was a long 6foot4 body with good breakaway speed; a constant deep threat. He was also arrested a couple times, bitched in the locker room and was a general pain in the ass for 4 years. (Total wide receiver.)It’s also worth noting that he was falsely accused a couple of times too… Henry was really taken in by a downward spiral and I tend to root for people who fuck up for a little while and then become awesome.

The tragedy in all of this is that it seems from all accounts, player and personnel alike, that he has turned his life around and that was supported by a terrific season, shortened by IR due to broken arm suffered in a win against Baltimore. And of course… the fact that it seemed to be a completely senseless accident. He was 26, like me.

HEYYYYYADOOOIN

And yet the show must go on, which it did in San Diego where the Bengals fell to the Chargers ona game ending drive engineered by the flaming Philip Rivers.

The patriots continue this week by hosting the Jaguars. Its kindof a must win… if only to build momentum.

StartMattCassel

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Red Sox Lose to Angels in the Playoffs: The World is Coming to an End.

That was not fun. In the spirit of the day, here is an old favorite which will hopefully put the kick ass back into the Sox, B’s and Fred Taylor’s ankle.

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With a new year at our doorstep, it is time to give our teams the momentum they need by telling them how bad 2009 will actually be for them. Last year, at the start of 2008, Dan “The Curly Haired Boyfriend (where did this nickname come from? He has curly hair, but I’m pretty sure he isn’t anyone’s boyfriend)” Shaughnessy decided to tell us how great the year was going to be. He wrote out each of the predictions in the form of the headlines, predicting the greatest possible outcome for the local sports teams (except the Bruins). Of course, everything went exactly opposite of what Dan, in his lame attempt at humor said, sometimes in the most painful way (see: SuperBowl XLII). The 35 game NFL winning streak, Ellsbury’s amazing season (and another World Series Title with a happy Left Fielder), the complete disappearance of the Boston Bruins, and Jim Rice’s election into the HOF are among the things that Shaughnessy jinxed us out of, though he did get the C’s title right (a drunken lemur could have gotten that one right).

If that’s how it’s gonna be, we will do our own lame predictions for the year ahead. So, as I watch the Ravens play (and beat) the goddamn Dolphins in the playoffs, I will channel the spirit of Will McDonough (the legendary Globe sportswriter who called Clemens a “Texas Con Man” 20 years before the Mitchell report) and Reverse Cheer our boys to victory in 2009.

THE BOSTON RED SOX will miss the big bat in the middle their lineup, as “Big Floppy” David Ortiz hits only three homeruns and Kevin Youkilis’ beard becomes sentient and causes him to tear an ACL in a bizarre mid season attack on Mike Lowell. The pitching staff does well enough, but with Dice-K leaving every game after throwing 120 pitches in three scoreless innings and Tim Wakefield striking out 300 (all of whom reached first on passed balls) it will be hard to win with only 0.78 runs of support per game. 12 wins will not be enough to make the playoffs. The Yankees, on the other hand, win 120 games and sweep the playoffs to win the Series. CC Sabathia is going to lose 40 lbs and win 30 games and Mark “Sexi Texi” Teixeira will become the first man since Yaz in ’67 to win the triple crown with 75 HR, 193 RBI and a .410 BA. Tony Massaroti  will come out of hibernation in November, be told the news and instantly commit Hari-Kari. Jim Rice will miss the Hall of Fame by one vote and refuse to talk to the media, even in his job at NESN, ever again. I will shit my pants, twice.

THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS will allow Matt Cassel to go in free agency, following reports that Tom Brady’s knee is 100% on track to be ready for training camp. These reports will turn out to be wrong as Brady is killed on the first day of camp, when his knee collapses, stabbing his own tibia through his abdomen. It's gonna hurtKevin O’Connell will then inherit the mantle of quarterback and lead the Patriots to an 11-5 record, but miss the playoffs again due to the fact that the Dolphins could not beat the Matt Cassel and Josh McDaniels led Jets. The Jets will go on to beat the Browns, who are rebuilt by Pioli and Mangini, in the AFC Championship, before losing the Superbowl to Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings. StartMattCassel will change his name to WelkersFluffer (if you don’t know what that means I ain’t gonna tell you).

THE BOSTON CELTICS will never recover from the Christmas day loss to the Lakers, posting the opposite record (3-27) in the next thirty games. Get out the Paper BagsRay Allen’s ankles will explode, impaling both Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce with pieces of bone. Garnett will laugh off the injury, keep playing and bleed to death while dunking on Zydrunas Ilgauskas.Pierce will sit down for two months and come back just in time to lead the Celtics to the eighth seed in the east, but get swept in the first round by the Cavaliers and Ilgauskas, who absorbed the power of KG, Highlander style, when the Big Ticket died. Rajon Rondo will retire, figuring that he will never have as good a team to distribute the ball to, and Kendrick Perkins will eat himself out of the league in one afternoon at Sizzler. AngryBlackAle will continue to be angry.

THE BOSTON BRUINS will stop playing like it’s the last half of 2008, and start playing like it’s the first half of 2005, when they were locked out.Communism WinsClaude Julien will start acting like the French guy who he stole the name from and start surrendering at the start of every game. Tim Thomas and Manny Fernandez will go on strike after getting snubbed from the All Star ballot, and Zdeno Chara will hit his head on the Jumbotron, knocking him out for the month of March. The City of Boston will finally acknowledge that the Bruins are really, really good, just in time for them to lose 12 straight games in shootouts. The Montreal Canadiens will win the Stanley Cup and force everone in America to start speaking French. This will cause us to surrender to China, and the Communists will win.

IN OTHER NEWS, Plaxico Burress will shoot off the tip of his penis while carrying a gun in his banana hammock on vacation in Mexico (Thanks Catfish). Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds will both be convicted of perjury and be sentenced to spend the next four years injecting each other in the butt. Heath Ledger will be snubbed at the Oscars and come back from the dead to appear at the show and yell at those who didn’t vote for him (Best. Movie. Ever.) Rickey Henderson will announce at his Hall of Fame induction that he wants to play this season, and will then sign a deal with the Marlins. The owners of Anheuser-Busch will realize that, by selling their company to Belgians, they have lost any claim on the title of “The Great American Lager” and will stop airing that commercial where they almost mention this site (“Some guy in Boston told me to get out of his yard“) in connection with their shitty beer.

39 days.

Done.

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Things can only go up.

Go Sox.

Done.

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2009 Week One Patriots Roster

BJGE, cruising. The only uncertainty is that the Pats are carrying only 2 QBs right now and 5 RBs. I really hope Green-Ellis isnt one of those pre season Bellicheckian sacraficial ritual things.

BJGE, cruising. The only uncertainty is that the Pats are carrying only 2 QBs right now and 5 RBs. I really hope Green-Ellis isn't one of those pre season Bellicheckian sacrificial ritual things. Cuz that does happen

Blogworthies:

Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis made the team.

Gary Guyton, 2nd year undrafted free agent, took the Bruschi spot.

We only have 2 QBs.

Very horizontal on the D line. I.e. Lots of “goods,” need a standout “great.”

We have 3 players from Navy on Military reserve… which is just cool. Basically we just signed Navy’s 3 best graduating players and then they went off to serve. That’s cool.

Here’s the link for the full printable version: http://www.patriots.com/team/index.cfm?Print=yes&ac=Rosters&SortResults=3&SortDirection=ASC&pn=1

Defensive backfield still sucks real bad.

StartMattCassel

Obviously, hes on my fantasy team.

Obviously, he's on my fantasy team.

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Artificial Turf: This Whole Seymour Thing

Not gonna be doing a lot of celebrating in Oakland.

Not gonna be doing a lot of celebrating in Oakland.

SO. Our last remaining essence of Presence and Identity has been cut away from the Patriots defense. It’s no longer Bruschi, Seymour, Harrison and Samuels… and that’s ok because it was time to let go.

Vince Wilfork, Ty Warren, Jerod Mayo and Brandon Marriweather; these are the core guys now, punctuated by an all-so-Patriots departure of Richard Seymor. Shipped on a moments notice… to freakin Oakland, for a first round pick the draft after next. Not exactly the optimal deal for us, and for the Raiders, it actually looks like a pretty good deal, giving them 2 full seasons to go from giving up the 5th pick to giving up the 20th pick (except for the fact the Raiders won’t be good no matter what). We basically traded Seymor for cap space and the ability to trade up in next year’s draft. I’ll be shocked if we actually use that 2011 1st round Raiders pick.

Not to mention, as was pointed out to me this morning, the patriots have about a zillion picks over the next 2 years. So seemingly… just like that, we have potentially the best offense in football, and we’re banking on a rebuilding year on defense. Which I guess I wish I knew before drafting the Patriots defense in my fantasy league. (I also drafted the Bucs D.)

My super bowl predictions still stand, and the Patriots will be unstopable… but when I woke up this morning thinking about next Monday night’s 2009 unveiling of Tom and the O’s (his middle school alternative rock band)… (I made that up)… I became moderately concerned that we won’t be able to get them on the field enough.

Just one more thing… Seymour is yet to report in Oakland.

If there’s one thing I am excited for this season, it’s my continued dominance on the fantasy football field. I’m virtually a winner. Here’s the 2009 StartMattCassel roster:

Bum.

Bum.

QBs: Matt Ryan, Matt Cassel, Michael Vick

WRs: Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Joey Galloway

RB: Michael Turner, DeAngello Williams, Darren McFadden, Fred Taylor

TE: Antonio Gates

Ds: Bucs, Patriots

K: Stephen Gostowski

Happy Final Week of Waiting.

StartMattCassel

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After watching PTI, I calmed down about Vrabel.

I just wanted to say quickly, that I have calmed down about getting rid of Vrabel. Slightly. His $4 Mil will pay for all 3 of our second round draft picks and he may not even start next year depending on how free agency and the draft turn out. From the 2005 Season to the 2008 season, his solo tackle numbers are as follows: 108, 89, 77, 62. He is 33 years old and now we will not have to face any tough decisions about cutting a guy like that, an ultimate Patriot and symbol of the 2001 – 2005 Dynasty. But we are moving on; the Pats are rebuilding their linebacking unit, defensive backfield and pass rush in order to propel the team forward.

There were the good times.

There were the good times.

The point that the #34 pick offers more value than the #12 pick, however, is nonsense and doesn’t explain why The Patsies traded Cassel and Vrabel for a second round pick instead of a 2 & 4th rounder or even a 2,3,4 depending on the other team’s draft position and desperation. The #12 is even more tradeable on the day of the draft given the frenzied environment and the deal with the Broncos would have gotten Cassel’s $14 mil off the books just as quickly.

Still a little pissed,

It’sOnlyAGame (Formerly Known as StartMattCassel)

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What’s up with this Matt Cassel thing?

Matching freakin handbags. Come on, Tom... I have friends in other cities that I need to defend this crap to. Please dont make it so hard for me.

Matching freakin handbags. Come on, Tom... I have friends in other cities that I need to defend this crap to. Please don't make it so hard for me.

The whole “StartMattCassel” thing started after Super Bowl 42 ended an 18-0 run and a shot at an entirely unbeaten season. It was an amazing football season and it seemed completely as though the Patriots were simply unbeatable. Brady was without question the most valuable player on the field but his off the field antics, which included a baby mama, a Brazilian super model, endorsements that weren’t as funny as Peyton Manning’s, a God Damn Yankees hat and frequent man purse usage were all at career high levels.

My friends from around the NFL centric world were asking how could I stand that dbag, Brady. This was, of course, the first time I realized there was this nation wide hatred for the Home Town Deity. I mean, Brady is actually and undeniably one of the best football players of all time. Ultimate decision maker, the coolest under pressure, humble in victory and gracious in defeat. (Yes, in typing this, I would think he was a dbag too I guess… but I digest.)

I told the haters that you can get away with anything as long as you’re winning, and that’s the check you write when you become an eccentric. You are saying: I do what I want, and I’m the best fucking quarterback in the history of the NFL. Well the check bounced at the First Bank of New York, Glendale, Arizona, Super Bowl 42.

And I was pissed.

I hung a sign outside my office door that read “NO PATRIOTS TALK.”

Tom Brady, personally and deliberately, made me look like a schmuck to all of my NFL rival fans around the country.

A couple months later Big Brosky had contacted me about joining his Fantasy Football League, a popular national craze that I have formerly been vehemently opposed to, and I accepted his challenge (yes, when another guy asks you to be in his fantasy football league, it’s a challenge) because it seemed like a great way to be in better contact with him as he lives in Denver and is a freaking Broncos fan.

So StartMattCassel was born.

Number 16 in your program, number 1 in your heart.

Number 16 in your program, number 1 in your heart.

I had intended on drafting Brady with my first round pick and then also drafting Cassel so that I could actually start Cassel over Brady, but this guy Tom picked him with his first pick before I could so I took Randy Moss. Around the 8th or 9th round, I fulfilled my goal of drafting Matt Cassel as my fantasy QB. My team name, of course, StartMattCassel.

Week 1, against… Kansas Effing City… Brady takes the low shot to the knee, tears everything, makes a series of bad decisions that lead him to some freaking childhood doctor cutting his knee open, screwing up the surgery and then cutting his knee open again. Big Broski and Done (as they were yet to be called at the time) texted me simultaneously about Brady – I was in the West Virginia Airport flying home from an awesome white water rafting trip. (I did win the Fantasy League, by the way… and I AM playing again.)

So in comes Cassel, throws a BOMB to Moss who took a run down the sideline and the Matt Cassel Bandwagon had begun. I, its Conductor.

We saw him through a few weeks of growing pains, as he learned to play football at the NFL pace, and we saw flashes of brilliance as he statistically matched Brady’s own circumstantial early career numbers. An entire football team fan base just opened up and accepted Matt Cassel as he took the Patriots 11 wins deep, the second team (1985 Broncos, and don’t complain Big Broski, you weren’t even coherent) with as many wins to ever miss the playoffs.

Get youre Effing head on straight, Bill.

Get you're Effing head on straight, Bill.

He gives us the ultimate gift, he makes himself tradeable. And what do we do??? We couple him in to a freaking Vrabel deal that shouldn’t have have ever fucking been made any way!!!! DAMMIT. What the EFF is PreMature No Brains thinking!?!?!?! CASSEL AND VRABEL FOR A FREAKING SECOND ROUND PICK TO A TEAM THAT HAS ONE OF THE BEST TE’s IN THE GAME AND THE #3 OVER ALL PICK IN THE DRAFT. WHAT THE EFFING EFF????

I’ve heard the salary cap explanation. WRONG. Cassel’s numbers were NEVER going on our books anyway! He was gone no matter what and we owed Vrabel FOUR FREAKIN MILLION DOLLARS… for a hard working, talented and smart linebacker with THREE Super Bowl Rings.

Quite honestly, I just didn’t believe it. That’s why it’s taken so long for me to respond to this. I just keep waiting for the rest of the trade details unfold and for us as a collective fan base to throw our heads back and slap ourselves on the forehead and go “OH YAAAAHHHHH… well that’s why he’s the coach.”

… But it doesn’t seem to be turning out quite that way.

There is only one viable explanation for this. Scott Pioli has dirty black & white photographs of Bill Bellichick and Tom Brady. Doing stuff.

There is simply no other earthly possibility… except to either say that it was actually Pioli who pulled all the strings or that Bill just plain old screwed the pooch because he couldn’t negotiate effectively with a friend. Effing Ess.

So here’s what I’m hoping:

Kansas City aquires a combination of 5 Super Bowl rings in the Cassel/Vrabel deal.

Kansas City aquires a combination of 5 Super Bowl rings in the Cassel/Vrabel deal.

It turns out that this injury happened to Brady right at the perfect time. His personal life was getting uncontrollable and too public and he needed to refocus himself professionally. He’s spent the last 9 months rehabbing in a remote paradise, avoiding public appearances and getting married. He will come back from his injury no more affected than what another season in the NFL would have done to him and he will be ready to kick ass for 8 more years.

Fred Taylor will be a beast, we will sign Derrick Brooks and Ray Lewis (under a condition that he doesn’t kill any body), draft Laurinaitis, a corner and a couple sick interior linemen, Marriweather goes All Pro next year, Welker catches 164 passes and Randy and Brady break their own single season TD records.

I’m looking forward to meeting the 34th pick in the draft, who will be replacing Matt Cassel and Mike Vrabel.

Effing. Ess.

Good luck, Vrabel, and thank you for everything. About Vrabel, this quote was taken from an AP report: “When Mike arrived in 2001, we knew we were adding a solid outside linebacker,” said Belichick, “But where Mike took it from there exceeded our highest hopes. Mike Vrabel epitomizes everything a coach could seek in a professional football player: toughness, intelligence, playmaking, leadership, versatility and consistency at the highest level. Behind the scenes, Mike’s wit and personality is one of the things we have all enjoyed about coming to work every day. The toughest aspect of my job is the day I stop coaching people like Mike, who did everything in his power to contribute to team success. Of all the players I have coached in my career, there is nobody I enjoyed working with more than Mike. In the same way people recognize guys like Troy Brown, we appreciate and thank Mike Vrabel. He is one of the very special Patriots champions.”

Sincerely,

StartMattCassel (FluffWesWelker) (SoLongMattCasselYou’reAFuckingChiefNowAndI’mSuperPissedAtBelichick)

P.S. Now that he is on a different team and I have to hate him, I can’t be named after Cassel. So please, submit your ideas for a new name. The lucky winner will get some type of prize which may include Gisele’s younger sister, a sampling of cheeses, or the Mystery Box (which could even be a boat).

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Scott Pioli is a Thief, We Think: Cassel, Vrabel to Chiefs.

Update: Both players have been traded for a single second round draft pick (#34) and $18 million in cap space. What the f@#$ is the Hoodie thinking? It will be interesting to see how he explains this one.

After the out of nowhere news that Mike Vrabel had been traded to the Kansas City Chiefs, Today the news surfaces that Scott Pioli (Former Patriots director of player personnel now GM of the Chiefs) has wrangled Matt Cassel away from the Pats. I wish we could be excited about the buttload of players and draft picks that the Partiots got in return, but nobody knows what exactly the compensation for either trade is (probably mostly draft picks). I’m not making any guesses, but the outcome of this could tell us once and for all wheter it was Pioli or the Hoodie that made all of those great signings. Either way, good luck to Cassel and Vrabel, we enjoyed your time here and wish you both well in the future (except against the Pats).

I know you are all going to miss him, but Cassel did leave us with this wonderful memory from Larry Izzo’s charity event:

Feel free to make suggestions for StartMattCassel’s new name. (Other than FluffWesWelker)

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