Tag Archives: MLB

Red Sox Lose to Angels in the Playoffs: The World is Coming to an End.

That was not fun. In the spirit of the day, here is an old favorite which will hopefully put the kick ass back into the Sox, B’s and Fred Taylor’s ankle.

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With a new year at our doorstep, it is time to give our teams the momentum they need by telling them how bad 2009 will actually be for them. Last year, at the start of 2008, Dan “The Curly Haired Boyfriend (where did this nickname come from? He has curly hair, but I’m pretty sure he isn’t anyone’s boyfriend)” Shaughnessy decided to tell us how great the year was going to be. He wrote out each of the predictions in the form of the headlines, predicting the greatest possible outcome for the local sports teams (except the Bruins). Of course, everything went exactly opposite of what Dan, in his lame attempt at humor said, sometimes in the most painful way (see: SuperBowl XLII). The 35 game NFL winning streak, Ellsbury’s amazing season (and another World Series Title with a happy Left Fielder), the complete disappearance of the Boston Bruins, and Jim Rice’s election into the HOF are among the things that Shaughnessy jinxed us out of, though he did get the C’s title right (a drunken lemur could have gotten that one right).

If that’s how it’s gonna be, we will do our own lame predictions for the year ahead. So, as I watch the Ravens play (and beat) the goddamn Dolphins in the playoffs, I will channel the spirit of Will McDonough (the legendary Globe sportswriter who called Clemens a “Texas Con Man” 20 years before the Mitchell report) and Reverse Cheer our boys to victory in 2009.

THE BOSTON RED SOX will miss the big bat in the middle their lineup, as “Big Floppy” David Ortiz hits only three homeruns and Kevin Youkilis’ beard becomes sentient and causes him to tear an ACL in a bizarre mid season attack on Mike Lowell. The pitching staff does well enough, but with Dice-K leaving every game after throwing 120 pitches in three scoreless innings and Tim Wakefield striking out 300 (all of whom reached first on passed balls) it will be hard to win with only 0.78 runs of support per game. 12 wins will not be enough to make the playoffs. The Yankees, on the other hand, win 120 games and sweep the playoffs to win the Series. CC Sabathia is going to lose 40 lbs and win 30 games and Mark “Sexi Texi” Teixeira will become the first man since Yaz in ’67 to win the triple crown with 75 HR, 193 RBI and a .410 BA. Tony Massaroti  will come out of hibernation in November, be told the news and instantly commit Hari-Kari. Jim Rice will miss the Hall of Fame by one vote and refuse to talk to the media, even in his job at NESN, ever again. I will shit my pants, twice.

THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS will allow Matt Cassel to go in free agency, following reports that Tom Brady’s knee is 100% on track to be ready for training camp. These reports will turn out to be wrong as Brady is killed on the first day of camp, when his knee collapses, stabbing his own tibia through his abdomen. It's gonna hurtKevin O’Connell will then inherit the mantle of quarterback and lead the Patriots to an 11-5 record, but miss the playoffs again due to the fact that the Dolphins could not beat the Matt Cassel and Josh McDaniels led Jets. The Jets will go on to beat the Browns, who are rebuilt by Pioli and Mangini, in the AFC Championship, before losing the Superbowl to Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings. StartMattCassel will change his name to WelkersFluffer (if you don’t know what that means I ain’t gonna tell you).

THE BOSTON CELTICS will never recover from the Christmas day loss to the Lakers, posting the opposite record (3-27) in the next thirty games. Get out the Paper BagsRay Allen’s ankles will explode, impaling both Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce with pieces of bone. Garnett will laugh off the injury, keep playing and bleed to death while dunking on Zydrunas Ilgauskas.Pierce will sit down for two months and come back just in time to lead the Celtics to the eighth seed in the east, but get swept in the first round by the Cavaliers and Ilgauskas, who absorbed the power of KG, Highlander style, when the Big Ticket died. Rajon Rondo will retire, figuring that he will never have as good a team to distribute the ball to, and Kendrick Perkins will eat himself out of the league in one afternoon at Sizzler. AngryBlackAle will continue to be angry.

THE BOSTON BRUINS will stop playing like it’s the last half of 2008, and start playing like it’s the first half of 2005, when they were locked out.Communism WinsClaude Julien will start acting like the French guy who he stole the name from and start surrendering at the start of every game. Tim Thomas and Manny Fernandez will go on strike after getting snubbed from the All Star ballot, and Zdeno Chara will hit his head on the Jumbotron, knocking him out for the month of March. The City of Boston will finally acknowledge that the Bruins are really, really good, just in time for them to lose 12 straight games in shootouts. The Montreal Canadiens will win the Stanley Cup and force everone in America to start speaking French. This will cause us to surrender to China, and the Communists will win.

IN OTHER NEWS, Plaxico Burress will shoot off the tip of his penis while carrying a gun in his banana hammock on vacation in Mexico (Thanks Catfish). Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds will both be convicted of perjury and be sentenced to spend the next four years injecting each other in the butt. Heath Ledger will be snubbed at the Oscars and come back from the dead to appear at the show and yell at those who didn’t vote for him (Best. Movie. Ever.) Rickey Henderson will announce at his Hall of Fame induction that he wants to play this season, and will then sign a deal with the Marlins. The owners of Anheuser-Busch will realize that, by selling their company to Belgians, they have lost any claim on the title of “The Great American Lager” and will stop airing that commercial where they almost mention this site (“Some guy in Boston told me to get out of his yard“) in connection with their shitty beer.

39 days.

Done.

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Things can only go up.

Go Sox.

Done.

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Red Sox Feeling No Pressure……… Seriously.

soxwinI don’t think I’ve ever felt so little pressure on the day of a Red Sox playoff game before. Nobody expects anything, but everybody hopes for something. There was a time, back before Theo, Tito and all the rest, when there were no hopes for October at all, and anything we got past that final weekend of the regular season was gravy. Then over the last seven years, things changed. Now we all expect greatness every year.

PressureThere is a different feel to it this year. All the pressure is on the Pinstriped Assholes, and their half billion dollars worth of free agent robots. The Sox are being picked to win the AL or the World Series by about seven of the 400,000,000 people that ESPN, Yahoo, SI, and all the rest have prognosticating these playoffs (and one of them is Dave O’Brien who calls games on WEEI, so he doesn’t count). They are all picking the Yanks, the Cardinals or the Angels to win the Series, and many of them don’t even have the Sox making it out of the ALDS.

Tonight, the Sox open the playoffs against the Angels in Anaheim (not LA, Arte you douche), like they have the three times in the past five years. Twice, the Angels had no shot because the Sox were simply a better team, and last season they probably should have won, but this season seems to be a complete crapshoot. Sure the Sox could go out and destroy the Angels, waltz past the Twins (HA!), and sweep the Cards again (netting me a free couch); or this could be a quicker three and out than the Raiders offense. I really don’t know.

This was just a couple of weeks ago.... Seems like forever.

This was just a couple of weeks ago.... Seems like forever.

What I do know is that this year’s Sox have been so infuriatingly inconsistent that it makes a crack addict seem reliable. Is this the team that was giving us shades of August 2004 through the last two months of the season? Or will it be the team that fell backwards into the playoffs? Either way, this post season is gravy, just like in the old days of the late 90’s, and I’m going to enjoy the ride either way.

(Check back tomorrow after the Sox lose for my treatise on why the world is ending.)

Go Sox.

Done.

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Keep Your Halladay Off My Body.

Jose Offerman Body

Jose Offerman Body

Today is the day to convince the Yankees that they don’t want Roy Halladay so that they don’t go after them and we aren’t forced to trump them with a better deal. Halladay is going up against Lester, who has been dealing in that “he could bang my wife and I’d give him a high five afterwards” kind of way lately. Meanwhile, Halladay is auditioning for a move to a contender so that he can get the long awaited meaningful fall baseball that he has deserved in his career. I hope he gets it, but not with the Red Sox.

110708_lars_anderson

Lars Loves America. He Doesn't Want To Play In Canada.

Roy Halladay is a great pitcher, and he would make the Sox the odds on favorites to win the World Series. With a rotation of Beckett, Lester, Halladay and Wakefield (who is still leading the league in wins and cannot be overlooked), the Sox would be unbeatable in the playoffs, and for much of the rest of the regular season. He is also under contract for the 2010 season, meaning that the Sox would have 1-1/2 seasons of guaranteed Doc. The reasons to make the trade are the stuff of most fans’ dreams (SMC has a boner while reading this, I’ll bet a dollar on it), but it is a move that the Sox should avoid making at all costs (except to stop the Pinstriped Assholes from getting him).

Why?

He's actually not going to suck. I hope.First and foremost there is the fact that it would take some of the Sox top prospects out of the system, and put them into the hands of a team that we have to face eighteen times per season. Clay Buchholz, who we all saw pitch very well Friday night, Michael Bowden, Daniel Bard and Lars Anderson are all guys who can be counted on to help the organization reload once players like ‘Tek, Ortiz, Lowell, Drew and the rotating cast of one year contracts are gone. If we make this deal, there is a chance that they are all gone to a division rival and in the 2010-11 off season we might lose the guy that we got to replace them.

If we trade Buchholz, there will be fewer penthouse pets in Boston.

If we trade Buchholz, there will be fewer penthouse pets in Boston.

And then there’s the money. After next season, Beckett and Halladay will both have expiring contracts. I say this not in the NBA “Expiring Contract” sexy kind of way but in the “holy shit we have to pony up $20 million per season to resign each of these guys” kind of way. The Sox (and by that I mean Theo and his guys) have structured the contracts of this team carefully so that they can have flexibility and freedom in the way that they spend in the upcoming years. A big part of that flexibility is having the cheap talent (not hookers) coming up through the system. Without the young guys who they have six years of control over to slot into positions that are vacated, they might not have the financial means to sign Joe Mauer (10 years, $200 million in a second), or the other types of high priced free agents that allow the Sox to continue to compete in the best division in baseball.

So today the Sox need to go out there and rough him up so that the Yanks don’t want him, and make him not want to come here because he’s bitter (and his ERA at Fenway is his highest at any Major League park). And Since when does Zepchinski start with an R?

Go Sox.

Done.

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The Black Hole of the Sports Calendar.

BlackHoleMilkywayIt’s finally here. The one week of the year when ESPN has to make things up  just to fill an hour with SportsCenter. There are no MLB games, the NFL and NBA are in a dormant period and the NHL’s off season is about as exciting as ice fishing. That leaves us with the annual exhibition game once known as the Midsummer Classic and the surrounding hoopla.

Does anyone remember who won the Home Run Derby last year?

Does anyone remember who won the Home Run Derby last year?

While the game has been a dud in recent years, not played to win and with an unending parade of pitching and positional player changes, in past years the Home Run Derby (sponsored by whoever can pony up the dough, and all of their friends) has been a source of never ending amusement. Starting in 2005, the first round has featured somebody putting on such a display that they tired themselves out and didn’t win. I don’t think anyone who saw the show that Josh Hamilton put on last year , hitting 28 first round bombs (he hit the back wall of Yankee Stadium, the real one, not the launching pad that they play in now), and literally making everyone at the party with us exhausted because staying in our seats was not an option, will ever forget what he did. In ’06 David Wright put up 16 in the first round and in ’05 Bobby Abreu hit 24 (and a total of 41, which was more than he hit all season). That year Big Papi put up 17 in the first and didn’t make it out of the second round.

They remember Josh Hamilton for the show he put on.

They remember Josh Hamilton for the show he put on. Nobody will remember this year's derby.

Needless to say, last night’s event was a disappointment. The crowd in St. Louis was dead (and people say that they are the best fans in baseball, ha), and nobody hit more than eleven homers in any round. Brandon Inge (not a home run hitter) went 0 ‘fer and Joe “your next catcher, for about $200 million” Mauer only hit two. It was the least inspiring contest in years, and left me with no reason what so ever to be excited about tonight’s game.

There was one startling event during the evening’s festivities. What I assumed was going to be a shitstorm of painful broadcasting, Joe Buck (the third most pompus man alive , and I only say third because I haven’t met everyone) and Joe Morgan were at the same desk, talking at the same time. To my surprise, however, Buck was unnaturally cool, talking about his father and what it was like growing up in St. Louis around the Cards (Jack Buck is the Cards’ answer to Harry Caray) , and Morgan was, um, silent (which is perfect for him). Buck was genuine, witty, and almost likable. Too bad he’ll screw that up by returning to his traditional douchyness tonight.

Everybody is excited for Timmmmmmaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy.

Everybody is excited for Timmmmmmaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy.

Tonight we’ll see the best players on the planet play one or two innings until the required players from crappy teams fill in for them. The All-Star game hasn’t been a real contest since the days of Pete Rose running over Ray Fosse to end the 1970 game. The players don’t play to win and the managers are handcuffed by the demands of not allowing pitchers to get tired and having to allow everyone to make an appearance. That “This Time It Counts” crap doesn’t really fly. The only thing I am really looking forward to is watching Tim Wakefield pitch. That’s gonna be awesome.

But enjoy the game, it’s all we’ve got until Friday night. Shit.

Go Sox.

Done.

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No Intervention Needed, Ortiz Has Hit Rock Bottom.

How much drinking and drugs have you done in this shirt?

How much drinking and drugs have you done in this shirt?

You know how when you are in Middle School, and High School and DARE (which is before you know how much fun drugs and alcohol are, but the shirts are great to do them in) they always show you the videos or tell you the stories of alcoholics and drug addicts hitting rock bottom (and not the delicious restaurant and brewery downtown)? Those stories always involve something like trying to smash a broken nose back into place with a hammer, or cutting yourself on a broken bottle of Gilby’s gin, just trying to get the last drops. Well yesterday was David Ortiz’ rock bottom moment, the one he’ll look back on in future years and say, “Thats when I had to step back, take a moment and think what is going on here?”

This is the face of Suckitude

This is the face of Suckitude

Big Mami was 0-7 with three Ks. He left 12 men on base himself (the Sox left 17 on at the end of innings in total; hello Clutchitude®, where are you?). He is swiftly dropping towards the Mendoza line (now batting.208) and it’s getting scary, but I’m actually praying for some type of injury, so that this isn’t the demise of our beloved slugger. It was that way as he sauntered to the plate in the top of the 12th, bases loaded. I walked into the bathroom, partially due to the fact that I couldn’t watch any more and partially due to the wall of Pabst cans I had built up, saying to my self that he was going to hit a bomb, we would all forget the last month and a half and everything would go back to normal. But no, a dribler down to first base that my 1 year old nephew could have hit left the game tied and I just knew that the LAAAAAngels were going to win it in the bottom of the inning.

I was right.

"I know you have to get to your Hooker, but this is getting ridiculous."

"I know you have to get to your Hooker, but this is getting ridiculous."

The blame can’t be put all on the shoulders of the big guy though. Varitek was 1-6 with seven of his own left on, and Umpire Bill Miller obviously had a date with a hooker that he couldn’t break (because you have to pay if you cancel less than 24 hours in advance, just like your shrink). The guy was calling third strikes like they were going out of style (10 in the 12 inning game), and he had expanded the plate to roughly the size of a Buick with two strikes. This led to Tito exiting the game in the 10th when he had had just about enough of that.

There were actually a couple of bright spots on the shittiest day in the history of Boston Sports (for this week). Dusty Pete came back after two games off and went 4-6 with 2 doubles (but had a big K with the  bases loaded and one out in the 12th), Julio Lugo, yes, Julio Lugo, went 5-6 and is now some how hitting .349, but we still only win when Green plays short), and Brad Penney actually pitched well enough to win, giving up four in 6-1/3, and keeping us in it. The boys left after the game for the greener pastures of Safeco Field, home of the Mariners and their one win in the last ten. That should be the cure for what ails us, especially since half the team is from there (Bay, Lester, I can’t remember who else).

I’m just pretending the other two games didn’t happen, so please allow me my denial.

Go Sox.

Done.

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Red Sox Win, Dustin Pedroia’s Testicles Lose.

Pedroia Hand JobAmidst all of the hoopla last night with the Bulls – Celtics Game 7, the Pacquiao – Hatton demolition, and the huge Kentucky Derby upset, there was one moment which captured my attention so fiercely that I had nightmares about it.The Sox beat Tampa 10-6 but the real story is a throw from Rays left fielder Carl Crawford (ladies and gentlemen, your 2010 New York Yankees starting left fielder) when he was trying to nail Dustin Pedroia tagging from second. It was something that I had been waiting to see since my youth and, I have to say, I was not dissapointed.

The throw hit Dusty Pete directly in the testicles. Not on the thigh, as Martinez and Orsillo originally tried to pass it off. Pedroia, who was safe on the play, crumpled to the ground in pain and that is when it hit me. For 25 years I have been watching the game and waiting for a player to take one directly in the gonads. Not in the thigh and a bit of the cup, not off a bounce into a catcher, and not in the “lower abdomen.” As NESN cut to a still frame of a photographer’s camera displaying the exact moment of contact (I can’t find the picture and it is really frustrating. If you can find it i’ll pay you a dollar) Martinez made himself a bit less loathesome as he and Orsillo just watched and said, “Yup, that’s where it hit him.” It was a perfect moment, not only was the throw on the fly but the reaction from the two announcers who were handcuffed by the fact that they can’t call it a nut shot and trying not to bust out laughing in the booth at one of the home town nine’s misfortune.

Hes Proably Wasted Here.

He's Proably Wasted Here.

Today at 1:30 we get a double treat (hopefully not blacked out). While Orsillo is calling the game on NESN with someone, Martinez will be returning to the TBS booth that he was borrowed from with a new friend. Our old buddy David Wells (with whom I once got trashed at the old Baseball Tavern while he was playing with the Sox) will be making his broadcast debut on the TBS game of the week along with Buck and Chip Caray. The over/under on the number of outs that Wells goes before cursing or saying something else inflamitory is 3.5. I’m taking the under.

Penny on the hill today making another attempt to prove that he deserves to be here by driving down his 8.66 ERA. And of course, get well Remy. We miss you.

Go Sox.

Done.

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A-Rod has Bitch Tits Like Meatloaf in Fight Club.

alex-rodriguez-steroids

See the Bitch Tits?

Great news Everyone! Selena Roberts has given us more reason to hate Douche-Rod. Excerpts from Robert’s new book were published by the New York Daily News this morning. Included are details about the Douche’s steroid use, which reportedly started in High School and continues today, and his relationships with his wife, Madonna, and various other floozies (that is the actual word used in the Daily News). I can’t think of a better way to wake up (other than in a Brad Penny’s Ex-Girlfriend Sandwich).

Here are some highlights:

Sports Illustrated writer Selena Roberts, who broke the story that A-Rod flunked a steroid screening in 2003, reveals fellow Bombers nicknamed the third baseman “B—h T–s” in 2005. (If you don’t think that the fans at Fenway are going to be chanting “Bitch Tits” when he returns to Boston June 9th then you are dumber than, well, A-Rod)

That was after he put on 15 pounds in the off-season and seemed to develop round pectorals, a condition called gynecomastia that can be caused by anabolic steroids, she writes.

In one shocking disclosure, the book accuses A-Rod of “pitch tipping” when he was with the Rangers – letting a friendly opponent at the plate know which pitch was coming in lopsided games. (Douchebag)

Rodriguez expected players he helped would do the same for him when he was having an off night and needed to get his batting average up and it wouldn’t affect the outcome of the game.

He was even hated at Hooters, where he tipped the minimum 15%, the book says

I’m not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but it must be a challenge to be hated at Hooters when you have $300 million. In fact, what is a man who can afford whatever he wants doing eating at Hooters? Couldn’t he get some hotty he is nailing (or a hooker) to go get him buffalo wings from Hooters and then serve them to him naked? Wouldn’t that be more fun? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Van Every CatchOf course, the Sox won last night thanks to some good relief work (again) and Jonathan Van Every’s first Major League home run. If you have been going to bed early with the Sox losing lately, you need to try staying up one of these days. In the last five games they have scored 16 runs in the seventh inning or later.  They have won four of those (and the eight before that) by scoring late as often as they scored early. Van Every’s shot last night was vaguely reminiscent of Brandon Moss’ shot in the opener in Japan last year. Good Times.

Go Sox.

Done.

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