Tag Archives: Patriots

Artificial Turf: 2010 NFL DRAFT EDITION; “Dolphins keeping up with the Jets,” Patriots in Deep Purgatoric Catatonisism.

This Fat Bitch has made his team a lot better.

As our divisional foes south and southerer of us continue acquiring pieces to their generally bettering puzzles, the Patriots remain mum in the free agent market. In New York, aging HOF fixtures Jason Taylor and LaDainian Tomlinson have been RexBeaten into Manhattan (their an effing team from New Jersey, why is nobody else offended by their ‘NY’ headline) and Miami has added Brandon Marshall in a deal with Denver (Marshall is like… crazy good.)

Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. Just don't f#$%ing trade down.

But alas… the rust continues to build on the once prolific 2007 Patriots offense and the skills of the defensive additions continue to ebb and flow… lots wells, not enough swells. We did add Torry Holt to the receiving corps… The now 33 year old pulled in 51 balls in Jacksonville last year for 722 yards.

Tonight, finally, is the NFL Draft, the most exciting and most entertaining Professional draft. I love the new format and as we look ahead to tonight and tomorrow night in particular, I’ll be paying excruciating attention to Patriots picks… because we really need some Blue Chippers.

Belichick loves this guy. No Homo.

The Pats have the most picks in the AFC; enough to bring in an entire side of the ball, plus a kicker. (Twelve picks.) The 22nd overall and then three more in the 2nd round. No 3rd rounders but we have another surge of picks, seven, in the 6th & 7th round. Generally this wouldn’t mean squat, but even with the suck bags the Patriots have blown high picks on during the Belichickian Era, they are SNIPERS with their late round picks, Alla Julian Edelman… and Tom Baby Making Brady.

The Patriots last 5 First Rounders have been (off the top of my head… so in no particular order): Mankins, Maroney, Marriweather… Watson… and… Mayo. Mayo, Mankins and Merriweather are pretty freakin good, not to mention Big Vince Wilfork in 2004.

We need lots of those. And keep in perspective, as you watch tonight’s draft: This draft is waaaaaay deep. Almost every prospect slated to go in this year’s second round would have been solid late First Rounders last year. And we have 3 picks tomorrow night. So pay attention.


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Week 14 Pickarooooooooooos

Here are the picks… none of us are off to a great start after the Steelers’ stinker in Cleveland… and I’m not even taking the Patriots this week. It’s not that I don’t think they’ll win… but the Patsies aren’t beating the Weston Wildcats by 13 points. But I do think every team in the AFC East will win.

Last Week: Done- 5-10; SMC- 6-9; MVP- 8-7

Overall: Done- 75-87-2; SMC- 75-87-2; MVP- 23-26-0

Favorite Spread Dog Done SMC MVPork
AZ -3.5 At SF AZ AZ AZ


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Artificial Turf: Kicked in the Fantasy Balls, Effing Brady

I suck so super hard.

I felt sorta this deflated after the Super Bowl loss to the Giants. I mean last night wasn’t just some loss, it was a thorough ass kicking from start to finish. Frankly, Brady sucked. He didn’t play McKenzie at all like he should have and he missed several uncovered receivers in favor of double and triple coverage. Not to mention I needed 17 fantasy points for the win from Welker, Moss and Gostowski COMBINED and I came up one 2 short and effing lost. I needed one extra point, unfortunately, the Patriots needed 3 plus the preceeding touchdowns.

Don't fucking touch me asshole.

Immediately in the game I liked the aggressive stance going it for it twice on 4th down in the opening offensive series… but as the game went on nd we continued to make those gambles and need them more and more… it really did feel like the it was a confidence issue with the young defense. Brees and the Saints really lit our asses up and Bush wasn’t even active.

And where was Edelman? If you watched the game you saw him standing on the sidelines in full uniform with his helmet off watching some dbag from the practice squad (#15) take his minutes. He must have done something unforgivable in practice last week.

Take this page here... and turn it into fucking toilet paper.

Bottom line, Brady sucked, the defense sucked, special team coverage sucked and the Saints had the upperhand all night. The Saints and the Colts are 10-0 and are the best teams in football separated by home field advantage and the Vikings with the MVPerforming Favre are a close second/third.

It’s a ridiculously exciting football for the all-around fan, a team that started 0-6 has a playoff chance for christ sake. Essentially, any team with 5 wins can make the playoffs by winning out and the 7-4 Patriots are looking down the stretch to an increasingly important week 17 game against the Texan which isn’t exactly a lay up…

I don’t want to talk about it anymore.


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Artificial Preview: Jingle Jangle in The Big Easy


For the

Very Simple game plan:

The Patriots will win by one point tonight if they can play Patriot football. Brady will need to extend the field with Moss so that Wes Welker, Kevin Faulk and Lawrence Maroney can be more effective underneath. Given the Saints’ flexible run defense, I think Faulk is going to be a big X factor as the Pats attempt to beat the unbeaten.

The major key to the game is to not let Darren Sharper score a defensive touchdown.

Accomplish that, and we’re looking at a win for the Good Guys.



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Artificial Turf: Patriots Cool Jets, Yet all not Right with World, Joe Mauer

AAAAHHHHHHHH. It's not about Randy vs. Reves... it's about the Patriots vs. Jets... and the Patriots kicked the Jets' asses this weekend.

Maybe it’s  because Sunday’s shellacking of Mark Sanchez and the New York Jets was so expected, or maybe it’s because it’s that boring stretch of the year before Thanksgiving and the holidays… but Boston seems to be somewhat caught in the doldrums of late November. The entire week consisted of all the national talking heads bashing the decision to go for it against the Colts and we even had to hear Bruschi yappin away about how it meant Bill didn’t respect the defense.. well I have news for you, Bruschi’s not a Patriot anymore, he’s a national talking head paid to say what he says and he’s dead to me.

The Pats are 7-3 and they’re 4th in the Ballpark’s current power rankings:

1. Colts

2. Vikings

3. Saints

4. Pats

5. Packers

6. Chargers

7. Bengals

8. Steelers

9. Cardinals

10. Texans

11. Giants

12. Falcons

13. Eagles

14. Panthers

15. Dolphins

16. Cowboys

17. Broncos

18. Titans

19. Ravens

20. 9ers

And if there could be power rankings for tough little white receivers it would go:

1. Welker (who had 192 yards receiving on 15 tosses on Sunday)

2. Edleman

Bodden takes his first one of the day past number 6 and straight to the house.

If there’s one thing that’s really got me off kilter it’s how unfunny Family Guy has gotten. It’s screwing up my after-football television watching on Sunday nights and American Dad is now actually more funny (funnier) than Family Guy is. The humor is just too spread out with the addition of the completely unfunny Cleveland Show which is really just a drag to watch. This whole Family Guy situation has me really dejected. The League is the one show that’s really holding it together for me outside of the usuals; South Park and Always Sunny.

Peter Griffin

Any who. I’m gonna sit in front of Monday night football and be pissy.

And I lost my effing Fantasy game this week. I should have started the Patriots D, who clobbered what’s-his-name for like 75 interceptions, 3 by Lee Bodden. Not to mention 2 more sacks by Tully Banta Cain, the Pat’s best pass rusher this season.

Go Chiefs, btw.

And just one more thing… Major League Baseball and the State of Minnesota need to do everything in their power to help the Twins keep Mauer where he is. If he leaves the Twins, I will hate baseball. Unless he’s leaving to play for the Red Sox… and even then… I’d still hate myself a little for cheering for him.



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The Patriots. To Cover.

Wet with anticipation.

Wet with anticipation.

And so it begins. And off we go. We’re underway. And a host of other crappy expressions that signify the start of football season. Once again, we will be giving away our picks, and demanding half your booty. I don’t really mean that, but we are going to be posting the Ballpark picks against the spread. And the real season starts tonight, with the Patriots game.

SMC: Pats to Cover

Done: Pats to Cover


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Artificial Turf: At it Again! Pat’s Off Season Training Begins.

As always, Bill and the staff are out evaluating the new squad.

As always, Bill and the staff are out evaluating the new squad.

Off season Training Activities got underway at the start of this week. OTA’s are a way to bring in the rookies and new teammates to jump them up to speed on the complicated systems before mandatory camps start. Media hasn’t been allowed in yet, but the cameras and (real) sports writers will be let in tomorrow. I look forward to reading the reports and then funneling them into my own opinions for you.

The notable facts so far are the players that went into camp early. All the rookies, of course, and they will not be permitted to speak to the press tomorrow, per team rules, but we should all look forward to hearing from Fred Taylor. He’s like the Sean Casey of the Patriots. Not that he’s an old first baseman… he is a team-first player, only cares about winning, and is a terrific professional locker room presence. Great addition. Buy his jersey.

Line backers Tully Banta-Cain and Shawn Crable -who was injured for a huge portion of last season after a promising start- were both present and joined by defensive back Tank Williams, a former college linebacker, I might add. Veteran tight end Alex Smith participated as well. In total, 48 players reported and former Kent State QB Julian Edelman worked out with receiver groups and the word is he looked pretty confident on the field.

More to come as the reports continue to stream from Foxboro.


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After watching PTI, I calmed down about Vrabel.

I just wanted to say quickly, that I have calmed down about getting rid of Vrabel. Slightly. His $4 Mil will pay for all 3 of our second round draft picks and he may not even start next year depending on how free agency and the draft turn out. From the 2005 Season to the 2008 season, his solo tackle numbers are as follows: 108, 89, 77, 62. He is 33 years old and now we will not have to face any tough decisions about cutting a guy like that, an ultimate Patriot and symbol of the 2001 – 2005 Dynasty. But we are moving on; the Pats are rebuilding their linebacking unit, defensive backfield and pass rush in order to propel the team forward.

There were the good times.

There were the good times.

The point that the #34 pick offers more value than the #12 pick, however, is nonsense and doesn’t explain why The Patsies traded Cassel and Vrabel for a second round pick instead of a 2 & 4th rounder or even a 2,3,4 depending on the other team’s draft position and desperation. The #12 is even more tradeable on the day of the draft given the frenzied environment and the deal with the Broncos would have gotten Cassel’s $14 mil off the books just as quickly.

Still a little pissed,

It’sOnlyAGame (Formerly Known as StartMattCassel)

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What’s up with this Matt Cassel thing?

Matching freakin handbags. Come on, Tom... I have friends in other cities that I need to defend this crap to. Please dont make it so hard for me.

Matching freakin handbags. Come on, Tom... I have friends in other cities that I need to defend this crap to. Please don't make it so hard for me.

The whole “StartMattCassel” thing started after Super Bowl 42 ended an 18-0 run and a shot at an entirely unbeaten season. It was an amazing football season and it seemed completely as though the Patriots were simply unbeatable. Brady was without question the most valuable player on the field but his off the field antics, which included a baby mama, a Brazilian super model, endorsements that weren’t as funny as Peyton Manning’s, a God Damn Yankees hat and frequent man purse usage were all at career high levels.

My friends from around the NFL centric world were asking how could I stand that dbag, Brady. This was, of course, the first time I realized there was this nation wide hatred for the Home Town Deity. I mean, Brady is actually and undeniably one of the best football players of all time. Ultimate decision maker, the coolest under pressure, humble in victory and gracious in defeat. (Yes, in typing this, I would think he was a dbag too I guess… but I digest.)

I told the haters that you can get away with anything as long as you’re winning, and that’s the check you write when you become an eccentric. You are saying: I do what I want, and I’m the best fucking quarterback in the history of the NFL. Well the check bounced at the First Bank of New York, Glendale, Arizona, Super Bowl 42.

And I was pissed.

I hung a sign outside my office door that read “NO PATRIOTS TALK.”

Tom Brady, personally and deliberately, made me look like a schmuck to all of my NFL rival fans around the country.

A couple months later Big Brosky had contacted me about joining his Fantasy Football League, a popular national craze that I have formerly been vehemently opposed to, and I accepted his challenge (yes, when another guy asks you to be in his fantasy football league, it’s a challenge) because it seemed like a great way to be in better contact with him as he lives in Denver and is a freaking Broncos fan.

So StartMattCassel was born.

Number 16 in your program, number 1 in your heart.

Number 16 in your program, number 1 in your heart.

I had intended on drafting Brady with my first round pick and then also drafting Cassel so that I could actually start Cassel over Brady, but this guy Tom picked him with his first pick before I could so I took Randy Moss. Around the 8th or 9th round, I fulfilled my goal of drafting Matt Cassel as my fantasy QB. My team name, of course, StartMattCassel.

Week 1, against… Kansas Effing City… Brady takes the low shot to the knee, tears everything, makes a series of bad decisions that lead him to some freaking childhood doctor cutting his knee open, screwing up the surgery and then cutting his knee open again. Big Broski and Done (as they were yet to be called at the time) texted me simultaneously about Brady – I was in the West Virginia Airport flying home from an awesome white water rafting trip. (I did win the Fantasy League, by the way… and I AM playing again.)

So in comes Cassel, throws a BOMB to Moss who took a run down the sideline and the Matt Cassel Bandwagon had begun. I, its Conductor.

We saw him through a few weeks of growing pains, as he learned to play football at the NFL pace, and we saw flashes of brilliance as he statistically matched Brady’s own circumstantial early career numbers. An entire football team fan base just opened up and accepted Matt Cassel as he took the Patriots 11 wins deep, the second team (1985 Broncos, and don’t complain Big Broski, you weren’t even coherent) with as many wins to ever miss the playoffs.

Get youre Effing head on straight, Bill.

Get you're Effing head on straight, Bill.

He gives us the ultimate gift, he makes himself tradeable. And what do we do??? We couple him in to a freaking Vrabel deal that shouldn’t have have ever fucking been made any way!!!! DAMMIT. What the EFF is PreMature No Brains thinking!?!?!?! CASSEL AND VRABEL FOR A FREAKING SECOND ROUND PICK TO A TEAM THAT HAS ONE OF THE BEST TE’s IN THE GAME AND THE #3 OVER ALL PICK IN THE DRAFT. WHAT THE EFFING EFF????

I’ve heard the salary cap explanation. WRONG. Cassel’s numbers were NEVER going on our books anyway! He was gone no matter what and we owed Vrabel FOUR FREAKIN MILLION DOLLARS… for a hard working, talented and smart linebacker with THREE Super Bowl Rings.

Quite honestly, I just didn’t believe it. That’s why it’s taken so long for me to respond to this. I just keep waiting for the rest of the trade details unfold and for us as a collective fan base to throw our heads back and slap ourselves on the forehead and go “OH YAAAAHHHHH… well that’s why he’s the coach.”

… But it doesn’t seem to be turning out quite that way.

There is only one viable explanation for this. Scott Pioli has dirty black & white photographs of Bill Bellichick and Tom Brady. Doing stuff.

There is simply no other earthly possibility… except to either say that it was actually Pioli who pulled all the strings or that Bill just plain old screwed the pooch because he couldn’t negotiate effectively with a friend. Effing Ess.

So here’s what I’m hoping:

Kansas City aquires a combination of 5 Super Bowl rings in the Cassel/Vrabel deal.

Kansas City aquires a combination of 5 Super Bowl rings in the Cassel/Vrabel deal.

It turns out that this injury happened to Brady right at the perfect time. His personal life was getting uncontrollable and too public and he needed to refocus himself professionally. He’s spent the last 9 months rehabbing in a remote paradise, avoiding public appearances and getting married. He will come back from his injury no more affected than what another season in the NFL would have done to him and he will be ready to kick ass for 8 more years.

Fred Taylor will be a beast, we will sign Derrick Brooks and Ray Lewis (under a condition that he doesn’t kill any body), draft Laurinaitis, a corner and a couple sick interior linemen, Marriweather goes All Pro next year, Welker catches 164 passes and Randy and Brady break their own single season TD records.

I’m looking forward to meeting the 34th pick in the draft, who will be replacing Matt Cassel and Mike Vrabel.

Effing. Ess.

Good luck, Vrabel, and thank you for everything. About Vrabel, this quote was taken from an AP report: “When Mike arrived in 2001, we knew we were adding a solid outside linebacker,” said Belichick, “But where Mike took it from there exceeded our highest hopes. Mike Vrabel epitomizes everything a coach could seek in a professional football player: toughness, intelligence, playmaking, leadership, versatility and consistency at the highest level. Behind the scenes, Mike’s wit and personality is one of the things we have all enjoyed about coming to work every day. The toughest aspect of my job is the day I stop coaching people like Mike, who did everything in his power to contribute to team success. Of all the players I have coached in my career, there is nobody I enjoyed working with more than Mike. In the same way people recognize guys like Troy Brown, we appreciate and thank Mike Vrabel. He is one of the very special Patriots champions.”


StartMattCassel (FluffWesWelker) (SoLongMattCasselYou’reAFuckingChiefNowAndI’mSuperPissedAtBelichick)

P.S. Now that he is on a different team and I have to hate him, I can’t be named after Cassel. So please, submit your ideas for a new name. The lucky winner will get some type of prize which may include Gisele’s younger sister, a sampling of cheeses, or the Mystery Box (which could even be a boat).


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Artificial Turf: Amidst Turbulent Economy, Cassel Sees 28,000% Increase in Annual Earnings

This is Cassels 14 million dollar smile.

This is Cassel's 14 million dollar smile.

As reported by the Boston Globe and ESPN, Matt Cassel has accepted a non-exclusive franchise tag by the Patriots. He will earn a guaranteed $14.65 Million next season, no matter where and if he plays.

The question, of course, after the announcement of the signing is: Now What?!?

With the absence of information concerning Brady’s rehab, and reports spanning from “Ahead of schedule” to “A 2010 return,” the possibilities seem endless.

Better-Than-Decent teams that need a Quarterback include the Vikings, Jets and Jaguars. It seems that these teams, with the addition of a legit QB, become instant playoff contenders. The Vikings & Jets in particular, both of which missed the playoffs by tie breakers.

Crappy teams include the Lions, Raiders and Chiefs. All of whom will most likely suck in 2009 no matter what.

The best case scenario for the Patriots involves a pre-draft trade to one of the crappy teams in return for top draft picks, the asking price is likely a 1st & 3rd. The best case scenario for Cassel is either a pre-mini camp trade to the Vikings or (God forbid) Brady’s demise and a long term signing with the Patriots. Just to be clear… I’m not predicting that – I’d like to see Cassel traded to the Vikings; an NFC playoff contender with a great running back, good O Line and decent receivers. But it’s all speculation until it happens.

How like life.

And some quick commentary on the Pro Bowl: Worst all star gathering in all of pro sports.


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