Tag Archives: Tim Tebow covered in blood

God May Poop, But Tim Tebow Fertilizes Fields for Starving Children

Tim Tebow Would Cry After Sex.

The Florida Gators demolished the Florida State Seminoles (and Bobby Bowden’s final shot at glory) this afternoon to complete an undefeated regular season and move them one step closer to playing for their third “National Championship” in four years. Tim Tebow, who most sports media outlets would have you believe is the offspring of Jesus and The Heisman Trophy, was dominant once again, but the continued media fawning over him is really getting overboard. During today’s admittedly boring game the announcers spent about 15 minutes talking about the bible verse on Tebow’s eyeblack strips, and how he is so inspirational.

It’s all crap. You know what would inspire me? Him kicking ass, walking out of that stadium and going Matt Leinart all over the women of the University of Florida. That’s right, I want Tebow to be all of those negative stereotypes of a college football player, because I can’t stand to see him waste the opportunity that has been placed before him. I’m not talking about the NFL or saving the souls of all the heathens out there. I’m talking about the hordes of dumb beautiful women that attend the University of Florida.

Please, Tim, channel your inner Leinart (or even Kyle Orton) and make those of us who know and enjoy the fact that Jesus loved the ladies be just as proud of you as the missionaries in your home town are.

And then you can cry like a sissy again after Alabama beats you next week.

Go Sox.

82 Days.

Done.

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Week 6 NFL Picks: Tim Tebow is Still a Douche, Colin Cowherd’s TV Show is an Abortion, and We Still Have No Clue What Is Going on in the NFL.

I have an apology to make. I have been a pussy for the past week. Since the double dick punch that was last Sunday, I have only had it in me to get my shit together and put something up on the site once, and that was super depressing. Thankfully SMC has been around to pick up the slack. Even so, we have missed the passing of Captain Lou Albano (who should have just body slammed Cindi Lauper all of those years ago), the firing of the Ronan Tynan from Singing at seventh inning stretch during Yankees games for making jokes about Joos, and the start of both Championship Series. Now that I have settled in to the fact that there are still (approximately) 120 days until I get to watch the 2010 Red Sox, we can get back to normal. I’ve even had a chance to watch SportsNation (if they were going to have a show with two hosts that know nothing about sports, shouldn’t it have been two chicks?). The Angels are still going to beat the Yanks, and Pedro looked great even though his bullpen couldn’t hold on.

Thanks for tolerating my pussyness (yup, thats a word now). More tomorrow.

Go Sox.

Done.

**************************************************************************************

Favorite Spread Dog Done SMC
At Washington -6 Kansas City Wash KC
At Cincinnati -5.5 Houston CIN CIN
At Pittsburgh -14 Cleveland PITT PITT
At Minnesota -3 Baltimore MIN BAL
At Jacksonville -9.5 St. Louis STL JAX
At N’Awlins -3 NY Giants NO NYG
Carolina -3 At Trampa TB CAR
At Green Bay -14 Hell DET GB
Philadelphia -14.5 Oakland PHI PHI
At Seattle -3 Arizona SEA AZ
At NY Jets -9.5 Buffalo BUF NYJ
At New England -9.5 Tennessee NE NE
At Atlanta -3.5 Chicago ATL ATL
At Whale’s Vagina -3.5 Denver SD DEN
Last Week: 8&6 6&8
Overall: 29-30-1 25-34-1

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Week 4 NFL Picks: Turning the Quarter… Haven’t Made Any Money Yet.

Fav Line Dog SMC Done
At HOU -8.5 OAK OAK OAK
TEN -3 At Jack TEN TEN
At NE -1.5 BAL NE NE
CIN -6.5 At CLE CIN CIN
NYG -9 At KC NYG NYG
At CHI -10 DET CHI DET
At Wash -8 TB Wash Wash
At IND -10 SEA IND IND
At NO -7.5 NYJ NO NO
At MIA PK BUF BUF BUF
At SF -9.5 STL SF SF
DAL -3 At DEN DAL DEN
At PIT -6.5 SD SD SD

Monday Night Football Line

At MIN -4 GB GB MIN
Totals: 13-18-1 14-17-1

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Red Sox Magic Number: 1 – Losing Never Felt So Meaningless.

Kevin Youkilis celebrating the Red Sox Magic Number.

Kevin Youkilis celebrating the Red Sox Magic Number.

I’m on doctor’s orders to not freak out until the playoffs start, so I’m ignoring last night’s crap fest and just repeating the mantra, “Beckett and Lester are fine. The Sox are in the playoffs.” This, along with repeated viewings of the Tebow hit (I really shouldn’t hate him because he’s a great leader, pretty tough and isn’t going to have much of an NFL career,but something about the guy just makes me want to see him get destroyed. Maybe it’s the Jesus stuff), keeps me from angrily destroying stuff, increasing the size of my ulcer, or convincing my Fiancee that I am completely insane and she shouldn’t marry me. At least for one week.

Go Sox.

Done.

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I Virtually Hate Bleacher Report.

As some of you my know, for the past few months, SMC and I have been posting some of our work on a site known as Bleacher Report. This is a site for aspiring sports writers and other douchebags (ourselves included) to post their opinions, reactions and predictions on anything relating to the wold of sports. It is a great idea, and probably makes the people who came up with it a crapload of money. It has been a mostly enjoyable experience for us, as we have brought a lot of traffic to our site (mostly because we only put half of each article on there with a link to the rest of it, which pisses some people off but works really well) and given us some guidance on how to improve our work by allowing us to read the work of others like us.

StartMattCassel.

The seedier side of StartMattCassel.

In the past week, however, I have come across the seedier side of BleacherReport and this whole internet thing in general. On Monday, we received an email (through the BR system) from our first fan on the site, a guy named Revo. I have never met Revo, nor do I have any idea of who he actually is as a person, but he has been enjoying our work and commenting on it for a while, and generally seems to be a good guy. In his email, Revo warned me that ” due to an insulting and controversial article I wrote, taking the BR leaders to task for their incompetence, it is not advisable for you to be associated with me if you are interested in not having possible harassment issues on BR.” I was shocked. First of all, having people harass me about what I write is part of the fun of it to me. Thats why SMC and I try to keep the site as anonymous as possible, so that what we say here is less likely to comeback and bite us on the ass in our real lives. Second, the fact that somebody had to warn me to not be seen as associating with him because, just by being a fan of his, people would bother me is incredible to me.

Bleacher Report.

Bleacher Report.

Yes, Revo did write an article (much like this one I guess) telling the people who run Bleacher Report (who have been nothing but nice to us) exactly why they should go fornicate themselves with a sharp stick, or at least run their business better, but that is the whole purpose of the site. If it was not created for the free exchange of ideas, then why is it there? Not being able to criticize the way that the site is run will lead to it stagnating and not getting better, which was all that Revo wanted in the first place. Now, the site won’t get better, and is actually worse, because one of the people who cared to make it better is gone (you can find Revo at therevofiles.blogspot.com for some really good Bruins stuff).

The other thing that I discovered on BR is that it is not the quality of your writing or your ideas that makes you “good.” Rather, it is the amount of comments that you receive from the other miscreants on there. For the most part these comments are less often actually commentary on the article and more often sycophantic responses regurgitated in the hopes that the author will comment on your writing.

Admit it.

Heartbeat of the Bronx.

This was taught to me by a gentleman who calls himself  “Heartbeat of the Bronx.” I had commented (starting with telling him that he is an idiot) on an article in which he explained the the Yankees would have run away with the division if they hadn’t played the Red Sox this year. I said it was a ridiculous argument based not on cold fact, but on the hot streak that the Yanks are riding and his juvenile wish to block out the fact that the Pinstriped Assholes are 0-8 against the Sox this season. I explained that he was looking at a snapshot of a point in the season and claiming that the race was over. While I expected some type of response, his comment amounted to the fact that he thought himself better than us because more people comment on his articles. He has not yet responded to my criticism.

Now, I’m not a genius, and I don’t know much about the politics of this whole internet thing (though I do know that when SMC was forced to take a class on second life, he got in a virtual fight with a guy after bumping into the guy’s virtual wife, and got a real apology from the guy the next day), but what happened to the idea that the best writer is the guy (or girl) with the best writing, best points and most clever delivery? This “Heartbeat of the Bronx” character truly is an idiot. His writing is full of logical fallacies, hyperbole, and poorly delivered arguments. He believes that he is the pulse of the Yankees, but has to make up ridiculous ideas like “What if the Yankees were animals?” and the all time Catholic team. If you are reading this, “Heartbeat,” I hope you have an especially painful poop today.

I know that this article might get us kicked off Bleacher Report, or at least harassed by all those people that Revo warned us about, but that would be kinda cool.

Go Sox.

Done.

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Fire Gary Bettman

Why is this stadium empty?

Why is this stadium empty?

With the most boring sports weekend of the year starting last night, fans all over the country are casting about to keep their minds off the fact that there is no football, baseball is still three weeks away, the NBA regular season is starting to drag, and college basketball is useless for another month still. SMC is committed to seeing somebody do a double backflip on a snowmobile (or die trying), but I would like to submit for your approval an event which in past years would have taken up a sunday afternoon/evening on a major network, and Saturday night on ESPN: The NHL All-Star Game. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the face of Versus.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the face of Versus.

Why haven’t you heard of this? Shouldn’t ESPN be airing commercials for this every thirty seconds and putting the logo in the corner of the screen? No, because Gary Bettman, the idiot who cost the NHL an entire season, decided to sign a broadcast contract with a channel that is harder to find than, well………. an NHL game on national television. The game is on Versus, and if you are among the millions reading this and thinking What the hell is Versus? you are not alone. This is the channel formerly known as the Outdoor Life Network, where you can find such television friendly programming as the entire Tour de France (eight hours a day of rear views of bent over European guys in spandex), Hank Parker’s Outdoor Magazine (a fishing show) and Babe Winkleman’s Good Fishing (yep, another fishing show). The last two of those are on at the same time as ESPN’s “Best Hour of Programming on TV” from 5-6 (ATH, PTI). hmmmmm… Fishing, Hunting, Mountaineering, Hockey….. Which doesn’t fit? It is a network which does not have a Sportscenter type newscast (even NESN has SportsDesk), nobody knows where to find it, and it makes the NHL look like the niche sport which it is in danger of becoming than one of the four major pro sports leagues in this country. Yup, Versus sucks as bad as Tim Tebow.

Instead of Barry Melrose and his mullet, Versus gives us a freaking puppet.

Instead of Barry Melrose and his mullet, Versus gives us a freaking puppet.

I can understand why signing a contract to have the games aired on Versus sounded like a good idea when the league was coming out of the lost season of 2004-2005. They were offering more money to a cash strapped league than ESPN was. But this whole thing smacks of a decision which was not thought through in its entirety. Yes, Versus offered more money, but ESPN offers more exposure, bigger ratings and more coverage on the family of networks. This would lead to more advertising dollars for the league and it’s teams, at least making up the difference in money between the two offers. Of course, I don’t have the numbers, but seeing the NHL’s product (which is beautiful in HD, and not just because you can see the blood bouncing on ice) on the number one sports network would probably cause more fans to watch than having to search to find a game on a channel that is most famous for hunting and fishing shows. 

Which brings me to Gary Bettman. He is a good man by all accounts, and doesn’t seem to have any major character flaws, but he obviously wants to go back to work for the NBA (where he was one of David Stern’s underlings before getting the NHL job), since the decision to spurn ESPN for more money is clearly aimed at putting his current company out of business. I really wants to know how he defends this move. This weekend’s events are some of the best advertisements that the league has but nobody will be able to find them. The game itself is a blast, usually featuring nearly thirty goals. The skills challenge tonight is also awesome TV with competitions like fastest skater, shooting accuracy and (my favorite) hardest shot. These guys hut 100 MPH with their slap shots and the competition is almost as intense and fun as the Home Run Derby. 

So fear not. Sunday will have a great sporting event to watch even though the NFL is punishing (and making me less interested, frankly) us for loving it too much by skipping a week before the Superbowl. Watch the NHL All-Star game on Versus (channel 62 on comcast in Boston) at 6 PM on Sunday and the skills competition tonight. Eff Gary Bettman for trying to steal this great event from us.

Eff A-Rod too, just on principal. 

2o Days.

Done.

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The Captain Question: Part Dos

 

No Seriously, it's better than Christmas and Hannukah combined.

No Seriously, it's better than Christmas and Hannukah combined.

With only 15 days remaining until truck day (yes, just 15 days. If you don’t know what truck day is, you should find out, it’s better than christmas, especially for Joos) the Red Sox roster is coming into focus. The rotation is solid, with seven guys ready to take the ball: Beckett, He Who Will Never Be Doubted, The Japanese Wiggler, Wake, Penny, Smoltz (after June 1) and Suchholz.The bullpen is solid with all of the new guys plus the crew that was strong at the end of last season. The lineup card should look like this:

1. Jacoby Ellsbury CFYeah, they're still pretty good

2. Dustin Pedroia, AL MVP 2B

3. David “fear me” Ortiz DH

4. The Beard that Should Not Be 1B

5. Jason “Buzzards” Bay LF

6. J.D. Drew RF

7. Mike Lowell 3B

8. Little Jeddy SS

9 Josh Bard C

Dear God, let me be good enough to play in Boston.

Dear God, let me be good enough to play in Boston.

Thats right, Josh Freaking bard is our only major league ready catcher. George Kottaras, no matter what kind of boner Dale Arnold has for him, is not the answer, either offensively or behind the plate. Dusty Brown is simply not ready (and is no sure thing either) and a trade for one of the guys in Texas or Arizona does not seem to be on the horizon in the near future. But what about the guy who held down the job last year? Where did he go to that multi year offer that his agent (Satan) told him was coming? Oh, yeah, he’s waiting for someone to come to him. 

Tek Paps HugJason Varitek is in a no win situation. His fate has been a big question since the days following the end of the 2008 season in October. He will not get an offer from anyone other than the Red Sox, because as a type 1 free agent, any team that signs him will have to give up a first round draft pick. The Sox don’t have to pay him big because they know this. Each time another catcher signs, Varitek’s options dwindle.  First Texas traded Gerald Laird to the Tigers and Ramon Hernandez went to Cincinnati, closing the door that many thought might be open in Detroit or Cinci. Then, when Satan turned down a one year deal in Boston for $10-12 Million in arbitration, he lost the only guaranteed money that was going to be out there. Now as teams start to sign backups (Brad Ausmus and the Dodgers, Henry Blanco and the Padres) the market begins to close down even more. 

The Red Sox are in a prime position of power over one of the most important players in recent team history. They can cut the cord now, move on and take the risk that comes with having another receiver behind the plate, bring back the Captain for another year as the starting catcher and deal with the future of the position later or bring him in as a mentor to a guy who they think is the catcher of the future. Out At First Of course, the issue isn’t what Varitek can do behind the plate, where he is one of the best in the game still, but what he does with his spot in the lineup. Last season was unquestionably the worst in the career of the one time Silver Slugger winner. He hit .220 with only 13 home runs and 43 RBI. He was a liability with his inability to create the all important productive out down the stretch and into the playoffs, striking out at many times when something as simple as a ground out would have advanced a runner or scored one. This failure was one of the factors that led to the Sox falling two runs short of the AL Pennant. The 2007 season was significantly better in most categories. He hit .255 (.035 better) reached base at a .367 clip (.o54 better) and had 25 more RBI. These may not be astounding offensive numbers, but for such a premium defensive position, and one which has such an impact on the pitching staff, Tek’s 2007 stats are enough to give him that spot in the lineup.

The Brain TrustFrom the Sox side, it is time for a decision. The cold, analytical part of Theo  is ready to move on, more so since the rejection of arbitration. These are the tough decisions that come with the success that the team has had in the past few years, and what will keep them competitive in the future. Yes, we need a new catcher who can take the job and run with it as Varitek did in 99. That is the cold hard facts of the situation. John Henry, on the other hand, is a more sentimental type, and met with Jason at his Atlanta area home last week. He wants to be loyal to one of the men who has done a tremendous amount for his organization. He wants Varitek to be able to return to the team and leave on his own terms, not simply be let go.

George Kottaras

George Kottaras

The main problem with taking Theo’s route and cutting the cord is that there is no viable replacement on the roster. The three catcher coming to spring training are Josh Bard, George Kottaras and Dusty Brown. The last two are too young and inexperienced to tackle the every day duties of handling a pitching staff, even though Dale Arnold has a man crush on Kottaras and Brown has a great ballplayer name (if you are going to name your kid dusty he can’t become an accountant). They are also not ready to produce offensively in the Major Leagues. Kottaras, in two seasons in Pawtucket, has failed to hit above .243, and though he has shown pop (22 HR last year) his RBI production is disappointing (only 65).  Brown, who many see as a better prospect, had 12 HR, 55 RBI and a .290 average last season, but was limited to 297 at bats (84 games) due to injuries. Neither one is ready to be an every day Major League hitter, and their inexperience behind the plate is too much to ignore. Over the Monster had a great rundown on the two of them at the end of December, where they said that using these two is worth a shot, but as Truck Day and Reporting Day get closer I still don’t think that they are ready.

Josh Bard Wears a goofy Hockey Helmet.

Bard, on the other hand, has plenty of Big League experience, though never in a starting role. The catcher, 31, has played parts of six seasons in the Majors. He has never started more than the 118 games he did in 2007, when he hit .285 with 5 hr and 51 RBI. He is a very viable back up catcher but due to his age, injury history, and relative (to Varitek) lack of experience handling a pitching staff, he is probably not ready to take over for a man as sturdy as the Captain. Yeah, Bard could start for most clubs, like he did for the Padres, but this is a different situation. The Red Sox are a club built to win now, and having a mediocre player filling such an important role just will not do. The fact that every member of the pitching staff has raved about all that Varitek does for them when he is behind the plate gives you a clue as to how important that experience is. 

Never Forget

Never Forget

It comes down to this: The best option in November is still the best option today. Sign Varitek and bring in a young catcher to apprentice to him for one or two years, whether that is by bringing Brown up to be the guy, or trading for someone like Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Taylor Teagarden, or Miguel Montero. Though it is a sellers market, especially since everyone knows that the Sox are getting desperate, catching is at as much of a premium as young pitching is these days and it may be a wise move to let some of the minor league arms go for the catcher of the next ten years. Varitek, like Lowell and Ortiz, is primed to have a bounce back year. Unlike last season, this year he will not be playing under the outside pressure of a failing marriage which has become fodder for the Inside Track, and his head will be focused squarely on his game. I would expect a return to his 2007 numbers at least. 

Now it’s up to Theo, Henry, Lucchino and their crew to decide. Will it be a return for the Captain, or a new dawn behind the plate for the Sox? 

Go Sox. 

21 Days. 

Done.

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