Tag Archives: Wes Welker

We’re Still Awesome… but we sure sucked on Sunday.

Sunday was a tough day for New England sports fans. It sucked extra bad because of how good it could have been. I had the day planned out pretty freakin well, myself. I was in Naples (FL not Italy) for my friend’s wedding, we got all sideways celebrating on Saturday night, woke up around 11, collected ourselves at the poolside bar (Tiki Jack’s Kitchen) for the Sox game and we even found a freakin Patriots bar like 3 minutes away from the hotel called Boston Beer Garden to watch the Pats game.

So far so good.

So far so good.

It all started according to plan, too. Pool cured the hangover, the bartender didn’t mind that we brought a bunch of beer left over from the night before (he even had has staff pour it into cups for us so the other resort guests wouldn’t get to familiar), and the games begun. Buchholz was throwin’ freakin pellits. I was in the pool with a wide mouth full of frost brewed choors light and my buddies sippin pina coladas announced Pedroia’s RBIs. 2-0. Awesome. Then 3. Then 5… we were gonna win at that point so I started planning ahead for the Patriots game and looking forward to the game 4 ticket my dad had waiting for me at home.

I even ran up to my room for a sober-up shower and a change before leaving for the Pats game.

And then… the fallapart:

Valet brings car around. Put top down. We all hop in. Phone rings.

Then someone spilled the milk.

Then someone spilled the milk.

Done: “Fuck these fucking mother fucking fuckbag assholes I’m gonna kill me and them, them first, fucking fuckstick papelbon… mumble muble mumble… old yeller… fucking mumble mumble mumble.”

I didn’t even know what happened. But I mean… I knew then. You have to be effing kidding me, Jon. Your first ever post season melt down… and it came at a real bad time. The thing with a player like Paps is that we can’t really get rid of him. He’s the type of guy that can ratchet it up about 30 notches and if we bump him, he’ll be a red sox killer for the yankees for 65 years.

Im pretty bummed too.

I'm pretty bummed, too.

Plus, it wasn’t really his fault, and I mean it. If the Sox hadn’t gotten their asses kicked two days in a row his melt down wouldn’t have cost us the series. And as StartMattCassel’sDaddy pointed out on the phone just a minute ago, you can’t bat .147 as a team and win in the playoffs. And they did… so we lost. It was a fun season, mostly, it was a good team, mostly, and in 4 months we can start over. Now it’s Pats season.

We get to Boston Beer Garden. Beers already on the table. Wings on the way. Games all around us and the hot bartenders are in skimpy Teddy Bruschi jerseys. Day’s alooking up.


The Broncos come out and start gashing us with the wildcat. Effing McDaniels. (He’s a really good coach.) They march it down the field, 7 straight positive plays, no incompletions, no problems. Then they equalize it with a missed field goal.

How ironic.

How ironic.

I’m not saying we beat ourselves… but Brady and Moss left 6 on the field with a horribly overthrown ball, Brady and Welker left 6 on the field with a pelted ball off the feet when there was no safety help down the rest of the field, and Gostowski missed a 42ish yarder that would have done it too.

But NOPE. Orton marches 98 yards to tie it up, Wilfork picks the wrong side of the coin, The Wildcat gashes us again, Prater kicks his first ever meaningful Field Goal and Bellichick is left wondering the field looking for McDaniels who was busy going nuts with his fans. God Dammit.

Its about like this today.

It's about like this today.

The handshake thing was no big deal by the way, McDaniels said later that Bill actually came into the Denver locker room with his son and found him in his office, gave him a big hug and hung out for a bit. Classy. And cool. But we still lost to freakin Denver. In over time. And now it’s raining out.

Maybe Done will cheer us all up later with a more uplifting post.

But I doubt it.



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Red Sox Lose to Angels in the Playoffs: The World is Coming to an End.

That was not fun. In the spirit of the day, here is an old favorite which will hopefully put the kick ass back into the Sox, B’s and Fred Taylor’s ankle.


With a new year at our doorstep, it is time to give our teams the momentum they need by telling them how bad 2009 will actually be for them. Last year, at the start of 2008, Dan “The Curly Haired Boyfriend (where did this nickname come from? He has curly hair, but I’m pretty sure he isn’t anyone’s boyfriend)” Shaughnessy decided to tell us how great the year was going to be. He wrote out each of the predictions in the form of the headlines, predicting the greatest possible outcome for the local sports teams (except the Bruins). Of course, everything went exactly opposite of what Dan, in his lame attempt at humor said, sometimes in the most painful way (see: SuperBowl XLII). The 35 game NFL winning streak, Ellsbury’s amazing season (and another World Series Title with a happy Left Fielder), the complete disappearance of the Boston Bruins, and Jim Rice’s election into the HOF are among the things that Shaughnessy jinxed us out of, though he did get the C’s title right (a drunken lemur could have gotten that one right).

If that’s how it’s gonna be, we will do our own lame predictions for the year ahead. So, as I watch the Ravens play (and beat) the goddamn Dolphins in the playoffs, I will channel the spirit of Will McDonough (the legendary Globe sportswriter who called Clemens a “Texas Con Man” 20 years before the Mitchell report) and Reverse Cheer our boys to victory in 2009.

THE BOSTON RED SOX will miss the big bat in the middle their lineup, as “Big Floppy” David Ortiz hits only three homeruns and Kevin Youkilis’ beard becomes sentient and causes him to tear an ACL in a bizarre mid season attack on Mike Lowell. The pitching staff does well enough, but with Dice-K leaving every game after throwing 120 pitches in three scoreless innings and Tim Wakefield striking out 300 (all of whom reached first on passed balls) it will be hard to win with only 0.78 runs of support per game. 12 wins will not be enough to make the playoffs. The Yankees, on the other hand, win 120 games and sweep the playoffs to win the Series. CC Sabathia is going to lose 40 lbs and win 30 games and Mark “Sexi Texi” Teixeira will become the first man since Yaz in ’67 to win the triple crown with 75 HR, 193 RBI and a .410 BA. Tony Massaroti  will come out of hibernation in November, be told the news and instantly commit Hari-Kari. Jim Rice will miss the Hall of Fame by one vote and refuse to talk to the media, even in his job at NESN, ever again. I will shit my pants, twice.

THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS will allow Matt Cassel to go in free agency, following reports that Tom Brady’s knee is 100% on track to be ready for training camp. These reports will turn out to be wrong as Brady is killed on the first day of camp, when his knee collapses, stabbing his own tibia through his abdomen. It's gonna hurtKevin O’Connell will then inherit the mantle of quarterback and lead the Patriots to an 11-5 record, but miss the playoffs again due to the fact that the Dolphins could not beat the Matt Cassel and Josh McDaniels led Jets. The Jets will go on to beat the Browns, who are rebuilt by Pioli and Mangini, in the AFC Championship, before losing the Superbowl to Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings. StartMattCassel will change his name to WelkersFluffer (if you don’t know what that means I ain’t gonna tell you).

THE BOSTON CELTICS will never recover from the Christmas day loss to the Lakers, posting the opposite record (3-27) in the next thirty games. Get out the Paper BagsRay Allen’s ankles will explode, impaling both Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce with pieces of bone. Garnett will laugh off the injury, keep playing and bleed to death while dunking on Zydrunas Ilgauskas.Pierce will sit down for two months and come back just in time to lead the Celtics to the eighth seed in the east, but get swept in the first round by the Cavaliers and Ilgauskas, who absorbed the power of KG, Highlander style, when the Big Ticket died. Rajon Rondo will retire, figuring that he will never have as good a team to distribute the ball to, and Kendrick Perkins will eat himself out of the league in one afternoon at Sizzler. AngryBlackAle will continue to be angry.

THE BOSTON BRUINS will stop playing like it’s the last half of 2008, and start playing like it’s the first half of 2005, when they were locked out.Communism WinsClaude Julien will start acting like the French guy who he stole the name from and start surrendering at the start of every game. Tim Thomas and Manny Fernandez will go on strike after getting snubbed from the All Star ballot, and Zdeno Chara will hit his head on the Jumbotron, knocking him out for the month of March. The City of Boston will finally acknowledge that the Bruins are really, really good, just in time for them to lose 12 straight games in shootouts. The Montreal Canadiens will win the Stanley Cup and force everone in America to start speaking French. This will cause us to surrender to China, and the Communists will win.

IN OTHER NEWS, Plaxico Burress will shoot off the tip of his penis while carrying a gun in his banana hammock on vacation in Mexico (Thanks Catfish). Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds will both be convicted of perjury and be sentenced to spend the next four years injecting each other in the butt. Heath Ledger will be snubbed at the Oscars and come back from the dead to appear at the show and yell at those who didn’t vote for him (Best. Movie. Ever.) Rickey Henderson will announce at his Hall of Fame induction that he wants to play this season, and will then sign a deal with the Marlins. The owners of Anheuser-Busch will realize that, by selling their company to Belgians, they have lost any claim on the title of “The Great American Lager” and will stop airing that commercial where they almost mention this site (“Some guy in Boston told me to get out of his yard“) in connection with their shitty beer.

39 days.



Things can only go up.

Go Sox.



Filed under Baseball, Tales from the Bandwagon, Team Green, The B's, Things other than baseball

Artificial Turf: Patriots Keep at It, Suck on 3rd Down, Clutch on 4th.

Making Mondays not suck.

Making Mondays not suck.

This was a pretty good football weekend, even if you hate Favre as much as I do. Last night’s game was good enough to keep my attention till Green Bay’s final missed onside kick with under 2 minutes remaining. For a non-Pats game to hold my attention that long is truly a miracle. Monday night football has gotten exponentially better with the current trio in the booth, particularly the commentary between Jaws and Gruden. One of the most interesting thing they talked about was the history of teacher-student quarterback match ups through the years, most notably Joe Montana as a Cheif beating Steve Young and the 9ers. Jaws was recalling just how badly it seemed the Chief players wanted to do that for Joe, and how that same sense of elevated play could be felt in Minnesota’s dome last night.

Like I said, great game, even if you hate Favre and especially if you hate Green Bay.

But I digest.

Go. Patriots. They’re effing awesome. (And don’t worry, I’m not jinxing them because I’ve already been talking sh!t.) For the second week in a row, I headed to Gillette Stadium, this time as a guest of Katfish, thinking I was about to see the Patriots get it handed to them. Joe Flacco is a tough young QB and McClain, Watchyu Talkin Bout McGahee & Ray Rice are a formidable thunder, lightning and rain combination. Though if McGahee is the rain, he was held to a spitty New England mist, limited to 11 yards on 5 carries… Ray Rice however burned us for 103 yards that included a 50 yard scamper on 3rd and 20.

Pierre Woods and Ty Warren after a 2nd half defensive stand... Love to see em... need more of em.

Pierre Woods and Ty Warren after a 2nd half defensive stand... Love to see 'em... need more of 'em.

Though there were various frustrating points about yesterday’s game, there seem to be just as many positives. One such yin & yang is Lawrence Marony’s inability to move the ball the ball north & south as Sammy Morris’s skills as a backfield receiver improve. This is, of course, a nod to Coach Bill who elected to keep 5 running backs on the 53 man roster. (BJGE was inactive again last week.)

The most atrocious part of the team is 3rd down D. The Ravens converted on 9 of 14 3rd downs on Sunday and 4 in a row on their first sustained possession after  giving the Patriots the ball on the 12 freakin yard line and holding them to a g-d damn field goal. Perhaps the game would not have come down to the last Ravens drive of the game and some stellar defensive back play if we had stopped the Ravens on 3rd down earlier in the game. All I’m saying: I’m not all wet about this defensive unit like every single talk show host seems to be. Nut I am encouraged by the play of Guyton, Marriweather, and now Darius Butler who saved two touchdowns with solid corner play on two very good receivers. (Leigh Bodden also picked off the Patriots first INT of the season).

Thanks guys. That was awesome again.

Thanks guys. That was awesome again.

Randy and Tom got it going a little bit as well, exploiting a goal-line one on one which I was screaming about pre-snap from the stands. I’m almost certain they heard me. My favorite offensive look is Moss, Welker & Edelman, Watson and Faulk, though I don’t think we’re seeing enough Fred Taylor who only had 7 rushing attempts. That said, the Pats backs did exactly what I said they were supposed to do, combine for 100+ yards and a score. (Brady also ran one in. Go Him.)

I cant remember where I heard this... but of course the NFL has to protect the quarter backs... Ray Lewis killed a dude.

I can't remember where I heard this... but of course the NFL has to protect the quarter backs... Ray Lewis killed a dude.

Every positive factor will need to keep improving this week. Next week we fly to Denver to take on Josh McDaniels (who I told Denver they were lucky to have), Brandon Marshal (who has since stopped beating his girlfriend and teammates and is playing some sweeeeeet football) and Big Broski (who I can’t stand the thought of losing to because he throws temper tantrums… and that type of behavior can never be rewarded).

For the 5th week in a row, including week 1, the Patriots will take on an undefeated opponent. And this 3 game stretch is a huge test: ATL, BAL, DEN. But the Pats have reached the first quarter mark of the season with a low key 3-1 win/loss, some flashes of defensive fortitude and even a few offensive breakouts. We’re 3 wins into a long season and we’ve been given the perception that things are only getting better from here. At least we know the Denver offense pretty damn well.


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Artificial Turf: Almost the end of the beggining; Patriots 2-1.

Patience sucks. And in New England we’re waaaay bad at it. But in Sports, there are designated projection periods that you can’t get too worked up during. The first 4 games of the NFL season is one of those periods. (Unless you start 0-3… then week 4 is a must win and if you lose, you can start thinking about getting that 3 year old draft-pick backup some reps.)

Matt Light (background) is getting back to form little by little.

Matt Light (background) is getting back to form little by little.

The Patriots are enjoying a 2-1 platform even while enduring the loss of 3 out of 4 of starting linebackers from last year and our leading reception getter (No idea what’s up with Welker’s knee). Additionally, Tom Brady is only operating at about 85%, Matt Light is playing left tackle like a pair of crotchless panties and no one really knows what’s up with Wilfork either.

First things first, we can all take it easy about Brady until week 7, because that is how many weeks it will take him to be back to Brady-Esqu form, any worry before then is premature freakage. Judging from last Sunday’s decisive but unsatisfying win over the Falcons, Brady’s deep balls are only about 8 inches away from perfect, in the NFL that’s the size of one cornerback hand, and that has been the difference. The Randy Moss drops are 8 inches away from perfect… and we all know it can be done.

The forced but pleasant emergence of Julian Edelman as a slot receiver has done wonders considering the baffling blunder that is Joey Galloway. You can go ahead and look for Joey soon at your local McDonald’s drive through commenting on the quantity of fries you have ordered. It was recently pointed out to me that we probably could have Marvin Harrison for the same money… Just a thought.

The best thing they can do is keep calling those “shot” plays and know that all will be adjusted by the second half of the season.

The very good Fred Taylor.

The very good Fred Taylor.

The running game is shaping up too. Even with Lawrence continuing to be plagued by nagging leg injuries (sissy pants), Fred Taylor is doing his best Fred Taylor impersonation, last week going for a big boy’s 125 and a Six. He is so much more explosive than I had thought he would be, and is a great medium gainer. As soon as he can get his shoulders squared up to the line of scrimmage and take one full stride through a gap, he’s good for 7 yards. Great veteran acquisition.

If the big uglies on D can keep holding it together for us, which they’ve done despite lack of depth at almost every position, The Patriots will head into their 8th week bye at 4-3 with a healthy Vince Wilfork and a healthy Jerod Mayo. They will then beat the Dolphins at home in week 9 and go 6-2 in the second half; 11-5, playoff bound.

Put it on the board.

The 3-0 Fantasy Football Standout: StartMattCassel


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Artificial Turf: I’d like to be Mark Sanchez for 23 Hours…

Right up to the point when he’s told an inoperable and incurable STD is going to take his life.

The Patriots took a spanking from a (New Jersey) Jets team that flat out, out-everythinged the Patriots. Special teams, we’re letting Leon “The Kevin Faulk Impersonator” Washington squirt his way to the 40 yard line; Offense, can’t score a touchdown when they get the ball inside the Jets 15! Even the defense, who did only give up 16 points, couldn’t make a big play to save their lives.

Retool it.

Retool it.

The subtraction of Jerod Mayo and Wes Welker, and the inability to adequately replace them, led to the Patriots loss. It’s simple science: Welker is good for .75 TDs per game and Mayo prevents at least .25. There it is, reverse those to injuries and the score’s reversed, 9-16 good guys, the Pats cover and the discussion of The Tin Man Baby Making Brady and his 12 month old rust couldn’t shake off the cob webs continues as planned. Unfortunately, we’re having the same discussion only Broadway Mark Sanchez is waking up next to 17 of Hef’s ex-wives and thirteen front loaders of cocaine and champagne.

But I digest.

I would first like to give my formal reply to Rex Ryan for all that go-eff-yourself who-hah and all that “We beat the best coach  in the league” stuff.

Yes, Bill Bellichick is the best coach in the NFL. And I’m not buying your self-pitying, self-deprecating rally to arms bullshit, Rex Ryan. You have been eating chicken nuggets out of a soft-serve machine for 25 years. As result, you look like an over stuffed industrial sized trash bag.



Secondly, Julian Edelman, our second string white guy. I’ve remained very interested in this guy because he was a 7th round selection. The actual pick was part of a trade (of which i forget the details of, but reported on in my draft review… and am too lazy to go look up), which means that he was picked by design, not by defualt. There are always some athletic pics, generally pure athletes that will be molded into different positions, down towards the bottom of day two.

Edelman stepped into the slot role and did his best Wes Welker face, reeling in 8 receptions for 98 yards and a would be TD that the Tin Man over-threw.

Thirdly, Joey Galloway: Get on the same page as your quarterback or you will be a retired and failed sideline analyst before the season is 6 games old.

This asshole here, to the left of the butt, is the guy who has been murdering our playbook for the first two weeks.

This asshole here, to the left of the butt, is the guy who has been murdering our playbook for the first two weeks.

Lastly; Our play calling sucked. Really really badly. (As I mentioned last week). Two weeks in a row. The Tin Man is forced to throw 49 thousand times when his best receiver is being centerfielded over the top (great defensive schemeing by the Jets) and then entirely shut down by Darrelle Revis who played like the best Corner in football. Moss had 3 catches for who cares and 2 fantasy points. Furthermore, the one guy that gets it going a little bit on the Ground, Fred Taylor, we see gash the Jets for 2 quick medium gainers… and then we never see him again! And where is Ben Jarvis!?

Please take the headset back, Bill. O’Brien sucks.

OK. I am sufficiently depressed enough for a Monday.



Filed under Artificial Turf, Things other than baseball

Artificial Turf: Brady sucked, Then he didn’t anymore; Pats win 25-24.

Virtual Bad Ass: Stephen Gostowski comes up big with the fumble that would lead to a Patriots comeback.

Virtual Bad Ass: Stephen Gostowski comes up big with the fumble that would lead to a Patriots' comeback.

Last night was as good as a bad game gets. A VERY rusty Tom Brady, who started the game by missing Moss, Faulk and a wide open Lawrence Maroney -all for inevitable 1st downs-, pulled it together at the end to go 12 for 16 with two TD scores (on the same exact play on the same exact defense) in 126 seconds… which was a little more like it.

In the end, the previously noted “Really Crappy Defense” kept the Pats in play. The dbacks held the other #81 to 2 catches. They only gave up 17 points (Bills scored a combined 24 with a great defensive score by Aaron Schoebel) and it was Brandon Marriweather and Pierre Woods on special teams who combined on a remarkably heads up play to stand up the Bills’ veteran return man long enough to strip the ball and for the little guy Stephen Gostowski to recover it. He’s on my fantasy team. And then it was newly reacquired Tully Banta-Cain who iced it with a sack. We said he would make an impact. He did. Given that the Patriots should be expected to score a minimum of 24 points per game, the D did good enough.

Jerod Mayo left the game early with a knee something. We’re told it isn’t serious. Based on past Patriots practice, that means anything from “Probable” to “Career Ending.” It didn’t look that bad.

The backfield combined for over 100 yards and a score; Maroney & Taylor soaked up 19 carries for 57 yards and a Taylor TD, The Always Improving Kevin Faulk added 51 yards off 6 receptions and even Brady scrambled ahead for 9 late in the game. Morris was a complete non factor and Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis didn’t get a touch.



Though Brady did start shaky, as mentioned, he did lead Moss to 141 yards on 12 catches, Welker to 93 yards on the same amount and he equaled Ben Watson’s 2008 Season TD total with a twofer. Keep in mind by the way the Watson was fighting for his job at the end of the pre season. Brady finished with a mere 378 yards, two scores and one INT. How blase.

So that’s the game wrap. Pats win, 25 – 24. No big deal.

Another notable is that it’s Patriots QB coach Bill O’Brien who has taken over offensive play calling after the departure of Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels. (McDaniels called the old dback tip to Stokely for his first win as a head coach.) We’ll see how the play calling improves from week to week…

Mozel Mozel,



Filed under Artificial Turf, Things other than baseball

Artificial Turf: Former Detroit Backer Joins Patriots and Brady

I cant decide between a Well always have Paris joke or a John Lenon reference.

I can't decide between a "We'll always have Paris" joke or a John Lenon reference. Any way, here he is crushing Clinton Portis.

While the news of the past two days has been Tom, Tom, Tom; and rightfully so, the Patriots announced another signing today, linebacker Paris Lenon. The 31 year old 8 year veteran led the crappy blue Lions in tackles last season with 121. He had a sack and a half and forced two fumbles. In 2007, Lenon recorded 118 tackles. Good player on a crappy 4-3 team. Will be a better player on a superior 3-4 team.

HallAMAzoola. Put it one the board. Cheeeampionship.

HallAMAzoola. Put it one the board. Cheeeampionship.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the ball, Randy Moss and Wes Welker are prophesizing that the 2009 offense will be even more prolific than the record breaking video game offense of 2007. Brady is back, and says he’s gonna play until he’s 41. “I don’t want to worry about what I’m gonna do after football and I don’t know what else I’d do now,” he told SI’s Peter King. He also told King that the staph infection was his fault and not his doctors, which I am calling bullsh%t on right now. That’s just Brady being Brady and taking one for the team. I’m assuming the Krafts had him looked over at MGH before he hit the field.

Though I’m still calling for proof from performance and a dedicated attempt to cease man pursing, Brady seems to be all business. Within the first couple reps behind the o-line running through plays, he was barking at Moss for screwing up a route. Welcome back, Sir Brady, I believe your locker is still there.

The rookies are coming along, the Vets have arrived, and we’ll be hating preseason games in just a few months. You can almost smell the fresh artificial turf in the air.

With more to come,


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