Monthly Archives: June 2010

All this Ronaldo crap for nothing? Spain defeats the Pretty Boys 1 to Nil. (But don’t worry, the Spaniards are pretty too.)

Back to the beach. Does he really give a sh!t?

As Portugal fell to the more creative feet of the Spanish on Tuesday, I found myself fairly unsatisfied by the efforts of the Portuguese. We’ve had this Ronaldo guy so built up by media attention and YouTube footage of the gyro ball, and he came to the World Cup for a crappy slop goal in a 7, nil romp of Kim Jong Il’s North Korean team and an early exit in the round of 16. Granted, the road for a Portuguese cup was treacherous, drawing a group containing Brazil and the Ivory Coast, the Ronaldons scored 7 against N. Korea and not a single goal against Ivory Coast, Brazil and Spain. My Middle Eastern connection tells me Ronaldo has taken to both forms of white girl.

But frankly, the team from Portugal just fell flat against a much more crisp Spanish squad. Cristiano Ronaldo was, as Martin Tyler put it, “A case study in indignation.” He didn’t help his cause for 50/50 calls, basically rolling around on the ground for a about 30 seconds each time a call didn’t go his way.

Carles Puyol says, "Hello."

The Spanish, lead by the skilled foot of David Villa, simply out classed a weaker and seemingly less motivated opponent. I will also add that the ugliest man in soccer, Carles Puyol, anchored an unbreakable defensive back line for the team in Red, Spain, and fellow defenseman/wingback Sergio Ramos (the best attacking defensive player in the Cup) was to much for the Portuguese to cope with as he made constant runs up the right side of the pitch. [Insert poop joke here].

And speaking of pretty boys, The Americans, of course; I believe the world cup has exposed the difference between a true top tier soccer country and the United States. England played not one solid minute of English Football, their best defensive player was out of the tournament and Wayne Rooney, one of the World’s best, didn’t find his form in any game. The United States, at pretty much full strength, played as well as I expected them to, gave us glimpses of glory and soccer arousal, and brought an entire market to the sport. Both teams: clipped in the round of 16.

Has US Manager Bob Bradley taken this team and program as far as he can? Is it time for a new regime? Is there a better American out there?


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Litterally the best thing that happened this weekend…


There's an App for that.


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Dustin Pedroia: Your Next Red Sox Captain.

Now That is What I Call Captain Material.

Is there any doubt?

After the second consecutive bed crapping from Papelbon (did anyone else want to shut off the game when he came out for the bottom of the 10th?), things were looking bleak for the Sox last night. But then, Jim Tracy, by all accounts a good manager and knowledgeable guy, decided that the best way to move forward was to pitch to Pedroia, who up to that point was 4-4 and had two two-run bombs.

And these moments are why this guy, not the equally qualified Youkzilla, should be the next captain of the Boston Red Sox. Last night, he took the whole team on his back, led the team to a big win and made the Rockies feel like Marvin after Vincent Vega shot him in the face. Pedey was 5-5, with 5 RBI, 4 runs scored, three home runs and a walk. Seriously, that’s good for some guys over a week.

But it’s not what he did alone that makes Pedroia the ideal guy to take over for Varitek when he bows out, it’s the timing. It seems like every time the team needs him, the 2008 AL MVP is there to lift them off the carpet. Last night it was recovering from an epic collapse on all fronts by the bullpen (Paps, Oki, MDC, Freaking everyone), but he’s also been there when we needed a spark in game one of the 2007 World Series (best home run I’ve ever seen live) and pretty much whenever he has been needed. Moreover, he’s a gold glover at a premium defensive position and obviously considers a game ended with a clean jersey to be a failure.

Now the National League demolition tour is off to San Francisco, where the Giants had better be afraid, because their bullpen is wasted after a rough last few days. Tonight is the only 10:15 start, but the whole weekend will likely hinge on Sunday’s Lester Vs. Lincecum showdown.

Go Sox.


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Papelbon Blows a Save: These Things Happen.

Such A D Bag.

I’ve decided, after long and arduous contemplation, and watching Italy “France” themselves out of the World Cup (if they had shown the slightest bit of effort, Slovakia wouldn’t have scored the third goal and Italy might have moved on), I have decided that last night’s stomach punch of a Red Sox game needs to be let go.

No Old Ladies Slapping His Ass For This One.

Even the best closers in the world (which, by all statistical measure, Papelbon is one of) blow a save now and then. It just happened to come last night for Paps, who had been throwing the ball very well. It blows that it had to be Jason “I’m nowhere near as cool as I was in Oakland, but still suck way less than as a Yankee” Giambi to stick it to us, but it had to be someone, and better someone who is already so incredibly hateable. This does mean, however, that I have to like interleague a bit less because it no longer provides good eating for the Sox, and also because it reminded me that Jason Giambi is in fact still a baseball player, and not bouncing at the hottest night club in Bumfuck, Kentucky.

It’s actually kind of nice that I had this one down as a loss from the moment I saw the probable starters. I’m not saying that Lackey has been super bad (he’s still better than Burnett) but I have absolutely zero faith in the guy as a top tier stopper. A quality start out of him would be great, as opposed to the five spot that Colorado put up on him last night. The scary part is that he was more productive at bat, scoring what was the potential winning run after doubling off of Jimenez in the fifth.

Daniel Nava: Turns Out He's Really Good (13-34)

He was up against Ubaldo Jimenez, who is really that good, and just couldn’t show it against Danny Nava (best Red Sox ever) and Darnell McDonald. I was expecting two runs and maybe seven hits from the Sox, and a ho-hum, nothing special loss. Turns out I got a game where baseball’s best pitcher (other than Strasburg) took one on the chin for the first time all year but his team came back to kick us in the nuts.

Tonight we’ve got Daisuke back on the hill after his pretend DL stint, and it looks like we may have finally said Adios to Treebeard, as Mike Lowell hits the DL to replace him. I am really starting to wonder what in the hell this team could do if it was healthy at some point this season.

Go Sox.


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US Advances in World Cup on Landon Donovan’s Goal in 91st Minute: You Can All Thank MVPork

Right now, this is so not gay.

After the most exciting soccer game I’ve ever watched and cared about, I got this letter and had to share it with you all. Ladies and Gentlemen, MVPork.

Bathroom Break

First off, I just want to thank all of my fans, family, friends and most of all the Good Lord J.C.  I will try to respond to all requests for autographs, but I ask that my public remain patient, as the onslaught is likely to be huge.  And if you’re wondering at all what has prompted this frenzy of interest in a heretofore little known football fan in the outskirts of Boston, it is this: I assisted on Landon Donovan’s goal in injury time today, the difference-maker between yet another first round ouster and winning Group C at the World Cup.

How, you may ask, is this possible?  Interestingly, I did not even start watching the game until the 86th minute.  I was meeting SMC and some business contacts for lunch in Cambridge, arrived a little early and wandered into the bar area where the game was prominently displayed.  No major action in the few minutes we were watching, except for a great, deep run by Edson Buddle followed by a pass that my club-footed cousin could have executed better, seemingly blowing the US’s last legitimate chance.  The business folks who were meeting us for lunch had not yet arrived, and I did not feel like dealing with having to void in the middle of a meeting, so I told SMC that I was heading for the pissa.

He noted that there were only a couple of minutes left in the game – wasn’t I afraid I might miss something?  I responded coolly that I was the only hope for the US side – only if I wasn’t watching did they have any chance to score.  Sure enough, within seconds of shaking off, I heard the roar from the bar – Donovan had blasted the US into the second round.

As for what the future holds, I am currently in negotiations to not watch the Red Sox for the rest of the season, and Tiger’s people have contacted me about staying away from golf for a while.  However, as long as the US has a chance to bring home that silly statue that looks like something my nephew made in the garage with duct tape, a tennis ball and gold spray paint, I choose country.  Viva USA!  Viva Landonovan!


As great as the win was, it comes with the pall of a Red Sox loss last night, when I learned that going to concerts (last night I was at Phish) is not good for the Sox, and tonight they’ve got to deal with Ubaldo Jimenez, who is really, really, really good.

Go Amurrrrrica, Go Sox.


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Filed under Baseball, Things other than baseball, World Cup, World Cup Bandwagon

…and to the French, Thank You for being so F#$%ing French.

Pardon me, Nick, would you mind taking this yellow pole and sitting on it for me? And then go home.

You arrogant, slovenly, smelly, frog eating sissy nannys. And on that you can quote me. After Star Striker Nicholas Anelka (who is surprisingly only playing in his first ever World Cup) mouthed off to his Frenchy coach, Raymond Domenech, he was sent home. Then the next day, the girly named French Captain, Patrice Evra (sounds kinda hot, right?) gets into a pre training scuffle, walks off the field and the whole team refuses to practice. Coach Domenech, btw, has already been fired, previous to the cup. So he came into this gig knowing he was off to Frenchy soccer heaven directly following no matter what. Like a Frenchmen would ever rise to that occasion and go out like a winner, or a man. Freakin’ pleeeease.

Up your butt, The French.

The French should be absolutely embarrassed by their own behavior and they should just all go home. And since they aren’t doing that, because of said Frenchness, FIFA President Joseph S. Blatter should just ship their asses home. But, alas, he is Swiss. Good luck getting him to take a stand. No wonder he makes a great President for the world’s most international sports organization.

You see this dude right here? I wanna party with this dude. And I want his soccer team to obliterate the French.

So that was yesterday, and today they have a game. Against the Home Town Bafana Bafana, which I just learned by googleing it is a term of endearment bestowed upon them by the fans that translates as, “The Boys.” And so to the French I say, thank you. thank you for your commitment to being arrogant on a globally epic level, for being even bigger prima donnas  than even the sissiest of NFL quarterback (and also Terry Glenn), and for your never-ending search for the next level of doucherdom. Because of this, one of the coolest things that could have happened in this World Cup is on the brink of possibility: If Uruguay or Mexico (who play each other) win by 3 and The Boys beat the Frogsplunkers, then Bafana Bafana will advance to the Round of 16. And with the confidence and warmth that South Africa continues to instill in us, if you put them in the knockout stage (in the immortal words of Jake Taylor) they may just win the whole fucking thing.

Not bloody likely… but anything to hate the French on a Tuesday.

And oh ya, the US plays Algeria tomorrow. Win and we’re in. We didn’t travel 4 zillion miles or spend 4 gabillion dollars shoving soccer marketing down the throats of Amurrica for us not to get a dubya. Eff that capitalist hating Mali ref, just take the pitch and win the freakin soccer game. Otherwise, you’re gonna be like post olympic NHL it and I will never buy your stupid video games again.

Congrats. You're not a fag anymore. (And before anyone gets all up in arms about that comment, it is reference to South Park and carries no conotation regarding sexual orientation, Red Dog.)


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Christiano Ronaldo Scored a Touchdown for Portugal

What? Wrong sport you say? I thought it was football. I knew no football player would sport the eurodouche mullet.

F$&@ing off days always leave me confused. Sox in Colorado tomorrow night. Good times.

Go Sox.


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