Artificial Preview: Jingle Jangle in The Big Easy

To

For the

Very Simple game plan:

The Patriots will win by one point tonight if they can play Patriot football. Brady will need to extend the field with Moss so that Wes Welker, Kevin Faulk and Lawrence Maroney can be more effective underneath. Given the Saints’ flexible run defense, I think Faulk is going to be a big X factor as the Pats attempt to beat the unbeaten.

The major key to the game is to not let Darren Sharper score a defensive touchdown.

Accomplish that, and we’re looking at a win for the Good Guys.

StartMattCassel

NFL Week 12 Picks: OMG

This dude ate a whole bunch of turkey.

Not an expert showing this Thursday, but what the hell, we’re only experts when we’re winning. I hope everyone’s tryptophan comas are wearing off in time for today’s American football games. It should be a good week with some close games.

Cedric Benson, Michael Turner and Adrian Peterson should all be on the field today, despite being listed as questionable. And we’re hoping that Turner takes the load from Snelling (heyo) because I have a huge rivalry fantasy matchup with Big Broski who picked up Snelling in a free agent deal when Turner went down. So we need Turner to suck up as many carries as possible. Why should you care about all this, you may ask… no reason.

And OMG OMG OMG… I can’t wait for Monday night.

TTYL.

Thursday: SMC: 1-2 Done: 0-3 MVPork: 0-3

Favorite	Spread	Dog		Done	SMC	MVPork
IND	-3.5	At HOU		IND	IND	IND
At CIN	-13.5	CLE		CIN	CIN	CIN
At MIN	-10.5	CHI		MIN	MIN	MIN
At PHI	-9.5	WASH		WASH	WASH	PHI
MIA	-3	At BUF		MIA	MIA	MIA
At TEN	-2	AZ		TEN	TEN	AZ
SEA	-4	At STL		SEA	SEA	SEA
At ATL	-12	TB		TB	ATL	ATL
At NYJ	-3.5	CAR		NYJ	CAR	CAR
At SF	-3	JACK		JACK	SF	SF
At SD	-13.5	KC		SD	SD	KC
At BAL	-7.5	PIT		BAL	BAL	BAL
At NO	-1.5	NE		NO	NE	NO
		Last Wk:		9-7	8-8	9-7
		Overall:		61-71-2	61-71-2	9-10

God May Poop, But Tim Tebow Fertilizes Fields for Starving Children

Tim Tebow Would Cry After Sex.

The Florida Gators demolished the Florida State Seminoles (and Bobby Bowden’s final shot at glory) this afternoon to complete an undefeated regular season and move them one step closer to playing for their third “National Championship” in four years. Tim Tebow, who most sports media outlets would have you believe is the offspring of Jesus and The Heisman Trophy, was dominant once again, but the continued media fawning over him is really getting overboard. During today’s admittedly boring game the announcers spent about 15 minutes talking about the bible verse on Tebow’s eyeblack strips, and how he is so inspirational.

It’s all crap. You know what would inspire me? Him kicking ass, walking out of that stadium and going Matt Leinart all over the women of the University of Florida. That’s right, I want Tebow to be all of those negative stereotypes of a college football player, because I can’t stand to see him waste the opportunity that has been placed before him. I’m not talking about the NFL or saving the souls of all the heathens out there. I’m talking about the hordes of dumb beautiful women that attend the University of Florida.

Please, Tim, channel your inner Leinart (or even Kyle Orton) and make those of us who know and enjoy the fact that Jesus loved the ladies be just as proud of you as the missionaries in your home town are.

And then you can cry like a sissy again after Alabama beats you next week.

Go Sox.

82 Days.

Done.

Nobody Expects the Curse of Nomar.

Don't you hate it when your groin muscle pulls away from the bone?

When I awoke/stopped vomiting (due to being full of pre Thanksgiving travel food) this morning, I was planning to write about my thoughts on the various trade rumors surrounding the Boston Red Sox and Clay Buchholz. For the second off season in the past four years, one of the best pitchers in the AL is available on the trade market and numerous other players are within the realm of possibility.

But then I checked Extra Bases and found that the Curse of Nomar had struck again. I know we (Red Sox fans) are thought to be overly willing to call any amount of bad luck (or pure suckitude) a curse (like Shaughnessy’s made up Curse of the Bambino), but this time it really is a Billy Goat level curse. When Nomar Garciaparra was traded away from the Red Sox on July 31st 2004, he struck the team with a curse, not to have a successful shortstop (meaning one who didn’t make us want to swallow a winchester) while he was still in the league.

Today that curse came back to get us just when we thought things might be a little bit more settled. Alex Gonzalez, the Sox starting shortstop in 2006 and the guy who gave us some type of stability last August and September, was thought to be an option to come back. The team had declined a $6 million option on Gonzo a few weeks ago, but was still planning on offering him a one year $3 million deal, especially after he hit .280 down the stretch with an unexpected burst of power.

Then came this morning’s report that Gonzo had signed with the Toronto BJs for a one year deal worth $2.75 Mil. The Curse has struck again. The Sox will need another new shortstop.

So who will be the next bearer of the curse? The options are Marco Scutaro, a versatile guy who is coming off a career year, and, um, …. …. yeah. Adam Everett, Khalil Greene (best white guy name ever, it just makes me want to make jihad jokes) and Miguel Tejada are also options, but this is not 2006 and this is also not the NL West. The Sox need to get this settled, and a one year stopgap measure is not going to make it.

The other option that everyone is always mentioning is Orlando Cabrera, who took over for Nomar in 2004, but he has worn out his welcome on for other ballclubs since then, and was not resigned by the Sox for “Off-Field Issues,” which means that dudes boof him. Of course, I can’t confirm that, but since 2004, everybody who has been asked in public and may actually know has refused to answer for fear of being sued for libel.

More soon on all of the trade speculation, unless something went down at dinner tonight, Schilling style.

Happy Thanksgiving, Go Sox.

84 Days.

Done.

Thanksgiving Day NFL Picks

Happy Freakin Thanksgiving

Happy Turkey Day, Sportsfans. A day of eating, drinking, watching football and having the same 6 minute conversation over and over again.

Here are the Turkey Day Game Picks:

Favorite	Spread	Dog		Done	SMC	MVPork
Green Bay	-11.5	At Detroit		DET	GB	DET
At DAL	-13.5	Oakland		OAK	OAK	OAK
NYG	-6	At Denver		NYG	NYG	NYG

Every Team is Better with a Guy Named Tug.

I don’t really know anything about this but the Sox just picked up a guy named Tug Hulett from the Royals. Here is the info from Extra Bases:

The club acquired versatile infielder Tug Hulett from the Kansas City Royals for a player to be named later or cash considerations.

Hulett, 26, hit .111 in 18 at-bats with one RBI in 15 games for the Royals last season.

He appeared in five games at second base (two starts), but also saw time at third base (one game), shortstop (one game), left field (one game) and right field (two games).

The lefthanded hitter, who is the son of former major leaguer Tim Hulett, spent most of last season at the Royals’ Triple A Omaha affiliate, where he hit .291 with 11 home runs and 53 RBI in 99 games.

Overall, Hulett owns a .194 batting average with one homer and three RBI in 45 games in the big leagues.

He probably won’t make the big club anytime soon, or will be flipped for Gonzalez/Halladay/Cabrera/Pujols, but hell, we have a guy named Tug, and that worked out for the Phillies (and Faith Hill). So we’ve got that going for us.

More on the trade ideas later.

Go Sox.

84 Days.

Done.

 

Women in the Work Place and Miguel Cabrera

Skip Bayless

Sportsfans, sports broadcasting history was made today. A female sports reporter (whose name and picture I can’t freaking find anywhere on the internet) was talking about the problems with Notre Dame and Charlie Weis. Basically,  the problem is what Notre Dame thinks of itself. They aren’t executing their offense because they don’t have the personnel to run an NFL Superbowl offense because they simply can’t recruit.

Nameless intelligent female reporter to Skip Bayless: “…these kids weren’t even alive, Skip, when Notre Dame was good.”

Brian Scalabrine

That was it, it wasn’t a monologue, but she’s absolutely right. Notre Dame needs to take the pressure off Weis, which I don’t think they will because their Boosters are so deep in their own asses they can’t see straight, and commit to rebuilding the program based on a few targeted key recruits. They tried to do this around Clausen but only went half way because of Notre Dame’s self imposed pressure to win a National Championship.

Also. The Sox getting Miguel Cabrera would be just fine. Actually, it arouses me. I’m tired of the myth that the most important player is an Ace. For us, it’s a 30/120 bat. AND we can still get an arm. We need to spend our balls off and lock up Bay or Holliday, and go nuts on some pitching, get Lackey, I don’t even care. Just get me some shit-talk fuel.

I don’t wanna win in 2 years. I want to win today. Pitchers and Catchers: February 18.

SMC

Red Sox News!………… Not Really, But At Least It’s Something.

With the free agent season in its infancy and the Winter Meetings (also known as the world’s biggest bullshit session) still two weeks away (Dec 7-10, in Indy, a place which doesn’t even have a Major League team, please explain that to me), the media is struggling to find things that might pass for news in the November doldrums of the not-yet-Hot-Stove season.

We need some of this.

Some of the so called pieces of news are that the Sox are trying to trade for Adrian Gonzalez (not going to happen unless Theo still has those pictures of Hoyer making out with a transvestite, plus, who isn’t trying to get Gonzalez), shopping Mike Lowell, and thinking about actually paying Jason Bay enough so that we don’t get Teixeira’d by our owners once again. Other options might be Adrian Beltre, Matt Holliday (who proved this year in Oakland that he’s not an AL guy, even though it was Oakland and nobody, not even Holliday, remembers who was hitting behind him), and the Robotic power hitter that Sony is building for the Sox to apologize for their Matsuzaka-bot falling apart last season.

We're hoping this tip-of-the-cap isn't a goodbye.

There will likely be no real news on anything until at least the end of next week, unless Bay decides to have Thanksgiving Dinner Schilling style with Theo (remember, he’s an Amuurrrrican now), and the Sox give him the fifth year and the FU million over J.D. Drew.

Amidst all of the rampant speculation (the Sox are shopping everyone except Pedroia, Youkilis, and Lester, just to see what is available), there was one bit of news out of Red Sox camp, and it has nothing to do with a certain Cuban lefty. After the departure of good friend (and non threat) Brad Mills to manage the Astros (are they going to change their name now that they haven’t been in the Astrodome for almost a decade?), DeMarlo Hale has been promoted to Bench Coach, Tim Bogar is moving from first to third, and Ron Johnson, the PawSox manager for the last five years will take over as first base coach. The upswing of this is that we will have a new guy to complain about when one of our guys gets thrown out trying to score, and DeMarlo will be making the calls when Tito gets tossed. I know, it’s really nothing, but it’s better than college sports.

Be sure to check out Trufan.com/ustream this afternoon to actually hear us spout the crap that you read every day.

Go Sox.

82 Days.

Done.

Artificial Turf: Patriots Cool Jets, Yet all not Right with World, Joe Mauer

AAAAHHHHHHHH. It's not about Randy vs. Reves... it's about the Patriots vs. Jets... and the Patriots kicked the Jets' asses this weekend.

Maybe it’s  because Sunday’s shellacking of Mark Sanchez and the New York Jets was so expected, or maybe it’s because it’s that boring stretch of the year before Thanksgiving and the holidays… but Boston seems to be somewhat caught in the doldrums of late November. The entire week consisted of all the national talking heads bashing the decision to go for it against the Colts and we even had to hear Bruschi yappin away about how it meant Bill didn’t respect the defense.. well I have news for you, Bruschi’s not a Patriot anymore, he’s a national talking head paid to say what he says and he’s dead to me.

The Pats are 7-3 and they’re 4th in the Ballpark’s current power rankings:

1. Colts

2. Vikings

3. Saints

4. Pats

5. Packers

6. Chargers

7. Bengals

8. Steelers

9. Cardinals

10. Texans

11. Giants

12. Falcons

13. Eagles

14. Panthers

15. Dolphins

16. Cowboys

17. Broncos

18. Titans

19. Ravens

20. 9ers

And if there could be power rankings for tough little white receivers it would go:

1. Welker (who had 192 yards receiving on 15 tosses on Sunday)

2. Edleman

Bodden takes his first one of the day past number 6 and straight to the house.

If there’s one thing that’s really got me off kilter it’s how unfunny Family Guy has gotten. It’s screwing up my after-football television watching on Sunday nights and American Dad is now actually more funny (funnier) than Family Guy is. The humor is just too spread out with the addition of the completely unfunny Cleveland Show which is really just a drag to watch. This whole Family Guy situation has me really dejected. The League is the one show that’s really holding it together for me outside of the usuals; South Park and Always Sunny.

Peter Griffin

Any who. I’m gonna sit in front of Monday night football and be pissy.

And I lost my effing Fantasy game this week. I should have started the Patriots D, who clobbered what’s-his-name for like 75 interceptions, 3 by Lee Bodden. Not to mention 2 more sacks by Tully Banta Cain, the Pat’s best pass rusher this season.

Go Chiefs, btw.

And just one more thing… Major League Baseball and the State of Minnesota need to do everything in their power to help the Twins keep Mauer where he is. If he leaves the Twins, I will hate baseball. Unless he’s leaving to play for the Red Sox… and even then… I’d still hate myself a little for cheering for him.

StartMattCassel

Joe Mauer: 2009 AL MVP, 2011 Red Sox Catcher.

While it is sad that these are the last few hours or the MVP reign of Dustin Pedroia (Your 2008 AL MVP), Major League Baseball will be announcing the AL MVP tomorrow at two PM. The announcement should be no surprise as Joe Mauer was the most valuable player to a team that he drove to the playoffs with sheer force of will and huge testicles (if one of those Yankee f#$%sticks gets it I will rip Evan Grant’s ear off, Reservoir Dogs style). He’s a local to Minnesota and the people there love him enough to make up a rap about him:

What makes the situation all the sadder is that he is going to leverage this award into a ten year, $235 Million contract from the Red Sox (or the Pinstriped Assholes) and a ticket out of this home town, even though they have a brand new, snow filled ballpark. There is now way the Twins are going to be able to afford him, unless he takes fifty cents on the dollar.

I doubt it.

More when there is something to report (at least a rumor with some more balls), otherwise you can see all of the rampant speculation and rumor here. Winter Meetings start in a week.

Go Sox.

84 days.

Done.