Adrian Beltre Explains The Taste That Matt Garza Can’t Get Out Of His Mouth.

Garza Has a Bad Taste In His Mouth.

A guy walks into a bar in Tampa. He walks up to the bar and orders six shots of Tequila. As soon as they are poured, he starts slamming them down so the bartender says to him, “What’s the occasion?”

The guy looks up between shots and says, “My first blow job.” He doesn’t look happy.

“Congratulations, let me buy you another one,” The bartender replies, smiling.

“No thanks, if six shots doesn’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”

“Hey, aren’t you Matt Garza?”

And that is where the nasty taste in his mouth came from.

Adrian Beltre was 4-5 with Two home runs, one of which was a three run shot that he hit from his knees, and four RBI (not to mention his two run triple in the ninth) and the Sox finally got the Garza monkey of their backs. In his career Garza was 6-2, 2.92 before last night, including Game 7 of the 2008 ALCS and repeated ass whoopings the last two seasons, over which he has has a 2.3 ERA against the Sox. I really hate this guy and seeing the Sox jump all over him like a lonely frat guy on an oiled up watermelon was definitely one of those unique pleasures that only comes from sports. Beltre showing him Garza how his dick tastes was just awesome and Ortiz’ two run homer (ninth of the month) was just a great way to cap it off as the Sox put up six on Garza and had him out of the game after the fifth.

Lackey didn’t have his best stuff once again, but he did enough, getting through 6-1/3 laborious innings while giving up only two runs. He was walking the tight rope all night where the Rays could have put up some big innings with a timely hit or two, but going 1-13 with men in scoring position won’t help you score runs. The Rays are human and are not going to win 118 games.

Now that the Sox have avenged the ass kicking they took at home back in April by walking into the house of the best team in abseball (records wise) slapping them in the face with their dick and then walking out with all of their beer, money and girls, is anyone else excited for the next four series against the Royals, A’s, O’s and Indians?

Thought so.

Go Sox.

Done.

They Should Make T-Shirts That Say “I Survived Bizzarro Weekend.”

First Daisuke freaking Matsuzaka comes within 5 outs of a No-Hitter against the “NL team with an AL lineup,” then Timmmmmmmay Wakefield, recently restored from the bullpen, dazzles that same lineup for eight innings, and then Lost ends. This was one clusterfuck of a weekend.

First of all, as much as SMC and the others I was with want to blame it on me, I have confirmed that more than one person who was watching the Red Sox game on Saturday night uttered the words “No-Hitter” before Juan Castro’s hit dropped with two outs in the eighth. So it wasn’t just me and that makes me feel slightly better. Otherwise the most important thing to take from the game is that we really have no effing clue how good or bad Daisuke Matsuzaka can be this season or beyond. He has been a shutdown ace twice this season and otherwise been a tremendous failure. The way that the defense, other than Scutaro, came together behind the Wiggler was also encouraging.

Hustler. In all senses of the word.

Of course, the Celtics game was also entertaining, as they went up 3-0 in an absolute destruction of everything that the Magic hold dear. I am both excited that Stan Van Gundy is going to be able to go back to his thriving Porn career, crying, and terrified that the Celtics are going to joint the Bruins as teams that have pulled a Yankee (and if you think I’m not happy to be able to use the term “pulling a Yankee” as something negative, you have not been reading very carefully). It was incredible and Rondo’s play on the floor has to go down as one of the ultimate hustle plays in postseason history. The Lakers should legit fear KG because they are holding his trophy.

Making them regret it.

The best part of the weekend, other than the Lost finale, which I loved and understood completely (this is where I imply that those who didn’t get it or are angry about it are either not smart or were just looking for things to complain about), was Tim Wakefield basically throwing a big middle finger at Theo, Tito and company for his move to the bullpen while his teammates made Roy Halladay (still can win 30 games in the NL) look like Charlie Zink. That makes four out of five games with the Sox starter going eight, which is what we expected to see all the time when the season started.

The Sox are three games above .500 for the first time all season, their hitters are hot (I think Youk might never get out again) and most of the pitching staff looks unhittable. Not a bat time to go visit the 32-12 (on pace to win 118 games) Trampa Bay Rays, who could stand to be taken down a notch. 7:10.

Go Sox.

Done.

Screw Church, God Wants Me To Drink This Sunday.

So the Rays got their rainout last night, avoiding the death knell of their season by not losing to the Sox and getting pushed to 10.5 games out in the Wild Card. It actually may have worked out better for the Sox as there was one out in the first and the bases loaded when the tarp came out. Lester, the stopper, had already thrown 23 pitches, and even though the next one was set to be a double play ball, that is a big chunk for the first inning. While this has very little effect on the Sox pitching staff (we should be very happy that they never came back because if they did Lester was down and so was our bullpen), it will have a much bigger effect on my liver.

yummy.

Why? Because, even with the Pats not playing until Monday night, this Sunday’s combination of the first week of NFL football (picks to come, who cares about the opener, I’m more worried about SMC getting the hillbilly experience in West Virginia) and a key doubleheader for the Sox is an invitation for heavy drinking. That means lots of Wachusett Green Monsta (great local big pale ale), many chickens who will have to learn to live their lives wingless, and an increased possibility of me sleeping on the couch for a week. I’m super excited.

The unfortunate consequences of scheduling aside, this is a huge series for the Sox. If we can’t finish off the Rays with Beckett, Lester and Buchholz going at Fenway, then our hopes for the playoffs are slimmer by the day. Tonight it’s Beckett (who I am still wishing will sit up in bed, push the women aside, look in the mirror, and say to himself, “I’m Josh MotherF#$%ing Beckett and I will dominate.”) facing Wade Davis, who is making his second career start. Does anyone see this kid crumbling under the seething hate that attacks any opposing pitcher on the mound at Fenway? Tomorrow it doesn’t get any easier for the Rays. Their first inning threat was eliminated and Lester gets another shot at them in the 5PM game, but that won’t be until after Buck has had his chance to show him what he is all about.

A sweep this weekend can put away the Rays, nice payback for them doing the same to us last year, and hopefully buy some more breathing room over Texas. Let’s just hope I survive until Monday night to see Tom Brady and Randy Moss convince every team in the NFL to just give up.

Go Sox.

Done.

The Only Way That The Rays Can Avoid Being Eliminated Tonight is a Rainout.

Memo to Joe Maddon: The Quirks Aren't So Cool When You Are 9.5 Games Out.

Not much more to say. The Rays come into Fenway tonight needing a sweep to have any hope at the wild card, and it will be slim either way. They have lost eight in a row and nine of their last ten. Stick a fork (or a harpoon) in them, because they are pretty much done. Lester will see to it tonight, either way.

Go Sox.

Done.

Next Time Just Kick Me In The Nuts and Get It Over With.

If Only He Just Had A Sniffle.

So now I’m willing to admit that something is wrong with Beckett. He’s giving up home runs like it is his job,which is exactly the opposite of his job, and got battered around in the second other than that. There were glimmers of hope as he gave up no earned runs in the last four innings (an error by Youk and a Longoria double accounted for an unearned one), and didn’t walk a single man. But there has to be an explanation for the gopher balls, 14 in his last five starts, even if his control has gotten better from his past starts.

Me, I blame Phiten. They have obviously thrown Beckett’s Chi all out of whack or something with whatever new necklace he wears. They need to get somebody over to the club house to realign him right away or he’s going to end up going nuts and rampaging through the clubhouse like Millar in a sorority house, but with fewer diseases. It is they’re fault that he is kicking his leg up too high and releasing the ball to early which causes the downward plane of his pitches to be nearly nonexistent. It must be a conspiracy.

He Blows Bubbles While Destroying Sox Pitching, Please Bean Him.

Even beyond the crappy outing by the “Ace,” there wasn’t much to like about this one. The hardest pill to swallow was in the eighth inning when about eleven Tampa relievers struck out the side, but also gave us three walks and a wild pitch to tie the game. I usually don’t second guess Tito, but not sending Lowell to hit for Gonzo with the bases loaded and one out was very confusing. Sure, Gonzo has been hitting about 11.000 since returning to the Sox, but Lowell is hot, and when I say hot I mean Buck’s Girlfriend hot, and Gonzo is not exactly known for his bat. Nick Green was already in the game, and the subs worked. Of course, I am only saying this because hindsight is 20/20 and another unproductive out made it hurt even worse.

And can somebody please do something harmful to Longoria because he has been raping our pitchers all season.

In summary, last night sucked. The sky isn’t falling, this is our last visit to the trop this season, and the Sox are still going to win the wild card, but Beckett has me worried and Ram-Ram has picked a bad time to become Rudy Seanez. If only Wagner could go consecutive days. If somebosy had told me this was how it was going to go before the game I’d have taken the dealer’s offer to Clark Griswold in Vegas Vacation (if you don’t know what the offer was, go watch the movie, or just look at the title of this post and take a guess).

One more in the Trop and then off to visit the fading and miserable group of guys that were once known as the Chicago White Sox. That should be nice.

Go Sox.

Done.

I Guess All of Those Real Tampa Bay Rays Fans Had a Prior Engagement.

This is from before they dropped the Devil and got good. Unfortunately this is what we saw last night.

So, let’s remember back to last September, when the Rays were closing in on the AL East crown and the Trop was the worst place in the world to play baseball (normally the Metrodome).   Loud, crazy crowds, thunder sticks and those f#$%ing cowbells made it hard to watch a game that was being broadcast from it, let alone try to be an opposing fan enjoying a ball game. Compounding that was the fact that the Sox just couldn’t win there.

Still Good

Fast forward to last night’s game, and the Trop seems more like the old empty dome that housed the Devil Rays for their entire existence. They were at just over half capacity, and the fans that were there looked more  like they were at a mid May week day afternoon game (under the dome it sucks to be at a day game because there’s no sky), and not at the first game of a series that could very well decide if the Rays have any shot at the playoffs.

Of course, if the Sox win tonight, the Rays have little to no shot, but I’m still disappointed. I had expected all of the annoyingness that happened last fall, and even earlier this season, to come out full force, but the whole stadium was flat. I was actually hoping that this newly reconstituted group of Sox would prove their mettle against all of the power that Tampa had to offer, but instead I got the doormat fans that populated the cellar of the AL East for a decade. At least Dicky V was there in full force.

Ya, Sweet Deal.

As for the game itself, I was terrifically entertained. JD continued in his quest to not make himself such a $14 million bust, hitting his 19th of the year, a two run shot which gave the Sox a 3-1 lead. Bay hit his 30th  home run of the year, as he always does, and Lowell continued his hot streak with two more doubles (though it is painful to watch him run sometimes).

But the three stars of the game were Lester, Pap and Ells. Lester got his tenth win of the season, going six and striking out nine before leaving with a slight groin tweak (thats a  euphemism for him getting a hummer after the game, because after it was reported, Francona said he would be fine and not miss any starts.

Thanks for saving our asses kid.

Pap got his first six out save of the season, preserving a 7-4 lead with the bases loaded and nobody out in the eighth (not his own doing, thanks Hideki), and pitching a perfect ninth for his 33rd save. This was one of those nights when having  an elite closer is the difference between winning and losing, and Papelbon truly showed how valuable he can be to this team (he’s probably not available tonight).

But none of that would have come to pass if not for Jacoby Ellsbury’s glove. The two catches he made in the game rank with the best of the season and the one in the eighth off of Jason Bartlett’s sinking liner, while not as dazzling as when he robbed Pat Burrell, was so clutch I could feel it in my balls. The ninth inning triple for insurance was nice to. Papelbon owes him a steak, a girl and whatever else he wants for that one.

Tonight it’s Beckett going for two in a row in the Worst Place To Play Baseball Ever, against that guy who cant get the taste of dick out of his mouth. Should be fun.

Go Sox.

Done.

New Era’s Polyester 5950 Caps and Why They Are Evil.

O.K. so, I’m usually not one to go too far off topic, especially with a huge series against the Rays starting tonight at 7:08 (what the hell is with the effed up starting times around baseball right now: 7:07 in Toronto, 7:08 in Tampa. At least when they start at 7:10 the Sox start on a round number.), but this has been pissing me off for far too long to go unmentioned.

These Are My Hats, There Are Many Like Them But These Ones Are Mine. Without My Hat I Am Nothing. Without Me My Hat Is Nothing.

They changed my hat. In August of 2007, as the Sox were marching towards their second World Series title (thats infinity times as many as the Yankees have since 2000) MLB and New Era, the company that has made the official on field cap of Major League Baseball since forever, changed the caps over from the traditional wool to polyester. I didn’t notice until the Sox won the ALCS that year and before the Series started I went over to Twins to buy my new cap. It looked the same (other than the World Series logo on the side which made it incalculably cooler), was the same size, and had all of the normal logos, but there was something wrong. I knew that they had done something to change how the hat breathed and dealt with moisture, but I didn’t know it would be this bad.

Polyester Crap Hat

I wore the hat until the Sox finished off the sweep of the Rockies and then went back to my beaten, bruised and beloved old cap. They last about two years, and by the end they are all more grey than blue, have lost most of the interior, and the headband has gone so brown that it looks like the leather in the 70’s era cap that my uncle gave me a few years back. When the start of the next season came along, my girlfriend (they make us do all kinds of unnatural things) convinced me that it was time for a new one. So I waltzed on down to Twins (again, it’s the only place I buy hats, because coming from the ballpark makes them more official) and picked up a new hat. It was all wrong. It didn’t stretch, didn’t shrink, didn’t mold to my head, and had a weird black underbrim. In short, it wasn’t the hat that I had been wearing since I had my Bar Mitzvah and got my first fitted cap. I have now been wearing my 2004 World Series on field cap since then.

This One Is Wool, Why Can't They Just Make The Good One Wool?

I understand why they made the switch. Polyester is cheaper to produce, the ballplayers’ heads need to breathe, and any time people think that something old has a new technology they will pay more for it. It was a decision made jointly by MLB and New Era (no matter what the customer service people there tell you, yes, I called and asked what was going on over there) and they discontinued the wool ones, making them impossible to find. I can’t understand why there hasn’t been more backlash over this, like there was when the NBA switched balls. The players where these things every day for their jobs and the league just goes out and changes them to something that has a different fit, not to mention the millions of fans who wear them daily.

Now this had been pissing me off for a good year and a half, but the other day I wandered into a Lids and took a look at the caps, just to see if the people at New Era had gotten the picture from my repeated emails and hate letters. Sure enough I picked up a grey “fashion series” Red Sox hat and it was 100% wool. Enthused, I looked at a few more of the off color ones and they were all the same, but when I went not one rack over and looked at the official hats, still polyester. I’ve even done some digging online, and on sites such as this one you can get a Wool fashion cap (in this case pinstripes) but the official one is moisture wick crap.

Yup, They Still Suck Ass.

To bring this around to a pointed argument as opposed to a sudafed and orange juice fueled rant (I hate late summer colds, but then again maybe waiting in the rain for a cab on Friday night worked against me in that one), the Sox are starting a key three game series this week against the Rays, who became good right when they made the switch to the new caps and took the devil out of their names. I think it’s a conspiracy, or that might just be the drugs talking.

Go Sox.

Done.

If The Red Sox Want To Burn Down Tropicana Field, I’ll Understand.

Burn It To The Ground

I hate it. I’m never comfortable when they are playing there. The new shithead bandwagon Rays fans who only bought their f#$%ing cowbells last August and had never been to a game before are pissing me off (not like Dick Vitale, season ticket holder since day one). The roof is worse than the one in the metrodome and they are all going to end up playing for the Yankees once their contract runs out and the owner is too cheap to pay them.

I hate the Rays.

But now the Sox are off to New York, where the air is filled with easy home runs in the New Butt Hole of the Universe, the players’ moms keep getting arrested for doing meth and other stupid shit, and the Sox are undefeated. We’ve got four games in which to show these guys who is the Big Swinging Dick around here and to watch George Steinbrenner crap his pants when he realizes that his sons have blown another $200 million on a team that is going to lose to the Sox, again. So let’s get off the downers that the Sox have clearly been taking the past few days and get our asses in gear.

Why? Because:

And if all else fails, you can get the full on MLB experience from Troy O’Leary’s Ex-Wife.

Go Sox.

Done.

Recipe for Disaster: Brad Penny Vs Rays.

I really can’t watch. Brad Penny, who usually only goes six innings, is facing the Rays tonight, a team that the Sox just can’t seem to beat. The Sox have no bullpen because they all had to pitch last night. I’m really legitimately afraid. Sure, Tito made a great decision to have Papi out of the lineup agaist the lefty (Lowell is DH), which means that we have one lefty and eight righties facing the rook, but nothing is going to get done. This is going to be one of those nights where I cozy up with a six pack of Narragansett and hold on for dear life, swearing at the screen and declaring how the Sox are going to lose all six games on this trip and miss the playoffs. Optimism will be welcomed in the comments section.

Shit.

Go Sox.

Done.

Like a Midget in a Microwave.

Pedroia put a bad taste in Garza's mouth

Did any one else see that coming?

As soon as Tito walked out of the dugout with nobody out in the seventh, I knew that we had wasted one. The Sox can’t seem to beat Matt “If six shots doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will” Garza (seriously, I want to know what that white stuff that he keeps spitting up is, and I’m pretty sure the disgustingness that comes out of his face is as much a factor in the fact that he is 5-1 vs the Sox as his stuff is), and last night we wasted a great shot to put the Rays in a bigger hole. Lester’s pitch count had been high, but three hits and no runs over six innings gives a little leeway, especially for a guy who threw 220 innings last year and has been a horse all this year.

I sweat whenever he is in the game.

The Pen comes in and through the magic of walks, infield hits, and the fact that Evan Longoria looks like a god against them after being about as effective at bat as my sister was back when she played Newton Girls Softball, this one gets away. I never feel good in extras on the road, and lately the bullpen has gotten to be a crapshoot, not the dominating force that they were in the first half of the season. Sure, Bard is going to give up a home run here or there because even when you throw 100 somebody is going to catch up with one, but Saito is reaching full on Rudy Seanez/Javier Lopez level for me in any remotely close game that he is in.

It's painful to watch too

You can’t put this one on Tito or the bullpen though. It’s got to be on the fact that these guys, including Victor, just can’t seem to get the best of Garza. The bottom of the order  was 1-21 against the Rays starter and bullpen and the new kid (Reddick), who had the only hit, a double in the tenth, also had four strikeouts. Ortiz is looking atrocious again and J.D. Drew is going to make me wish he would opt out on this contract just like he did to get out of LA. For the record, the .225 and .248 hitting David Ortiz and J.D. Drew (respectively) are making $27,000,000 this year ( I left in the zeros so that you could all see the magnitude of the suckiness).  These guys are going to kill me unless somebody (other than the Beard, who has been blistering and had another bomb last night just to prove it) gets hot and makes this a bit more entertaining. I’m looking at Bay, who is getting fewer American dollars next season every day he looks like Drew, and Martinez (the New New Guy).

Tonight it’s time to sack up and put one on the rookie. I’m looking for Penny to be a tank, Ortiz to be on the bench (Price is a lefty), and a powerfully right handed lineup to cause all kinds of destruction.  No more loading the bases and coming out with nothing. No more unproductive outs. No more  fear of showing some Clutchitude® and getting a timely hit. It’s time to show these upstarts that this is a two team division and then move on to New York and dickslap them like we’ve already done eight times this season.

Go Sox.

Done.