They Should Make T-Shirts That Say “I Survived Bizzarro Weekend.”

First Daisuke freaking Matsuzaka comes within 5 outs of a No-Hitter against the “NL team with an AL lineup,” then Timmmmmmmay Wakefield, recently restored from the bullpen, dazzles that same lineup for eight innings, and then Lost ends. This was one clusterfuck of a weekend.

First of all, as much as SMC and the others I was with want to blame it on me, I have confirmed that more than one person who was watching the Red Sox game on Saturday night uttered the words “No-Hitter” before Juan Castro’s hit dropped with two outs in the eighth. So it wasn’t just me and that makes me feel slightly better. Otherwise the most important thing to take from the game is that we really have no effing clue how good or bad Daisuke Matsuzaka can be this season or beyond. He has been a shutdown ace twice this season and otherwise been a tremendous failure. The way that the defense, other than Scutaro, came together behind the Wiggler was also encouraging.

Hustler. In all senses of the word.

Of course, the Celtics game was also entertaining, as they went up 3-0 in an absolute destruction of everything that the Magic hold dear. I am both excited that Stan Van Gundy is going to be able to go back to his thriving Porn career, crying, and terrified that the Celtics are going to joint the Bruins as teams that have pulled a Yankee (and if you think I’m not happy to be able to use the term “pulling a Yankee” as something negative, you have not been reading very carefully). It was incredible and Rondo’s play on the floor has to go down as one of the ultimate hustle plays in postseason history. The Lakers should legit fear KG because they are holding his trophy.

Making them regret it.

The best part of the weekend, other than the Lost finale, which I loved and understood completely (this is where I imply that those who didn’t get it or are angry about it are either not smart or were just looking for things to complain about), was Tim Wakefield basically throwing a big middle finger at Theo, Tito and company for his move to the bullpen while his teammates made Roy Halladay (still can win 30 games in the NL) look like Charlie Zink. That makes four out of five games with the Sox starter going eight, which is what we expected to see all the time when the season started.

The Sox are three games above .500 for the first time all season, their hitters are hot (I think Youk might never get out again) and most of the pitching staff looks unhittable. Not a bat time to go visit the 32-12 (on pace to win 118 games) Trampa Bay Rays, who could stand to be taken down a notch. 7:10.

Go Sox.

Done.

Lackey of Money for Jason Bay For a Good Reason.

Youk is stoked.

Dateline (4:03 PM): According to ESPN.com, this thing is official. The numbers aren’t clear yet, but it seems like Lackey is getting the same deal A.J. Burnett got last winter from the Pinstriped assholes (5 years/ $82.5 Million). Also, the Sox are trying to use the same numbers to extend Beckett (whose career numbers are almost identical to Lackey’s and is younger), and have made a $15.5 Million offer to Cuban fireballer Aroldis Chapman to offset the loss of their top draft pick  for signing another type A free agent.

The other big move is that the Blue Jays have finally traded Roy Halladay, and to the best possible place for the Sox, the Phillies. Cliff Lee will be moving on to Seattle and the Yankees are left holding their tiny dicks in their hands. It’s not clear what the Jays are getting in return but who gives a shit.

Who says you need to score runs to win? There is probably more good stuff to come (yo, Adrian), but for now let’s just remember that the Sox now have the best rotation in the AL, again.

P.S. SMC has just admitted to me that even though he thinks it’s a bit poppy (which is wrong), The Fixer makes him feel like spring baseball. Enjoy.

A Winter Meeting Plan For the Red Sox, From John Henry’s Testicles.

With the winter meetings going on and nothing productive coming out of the Red Sox (which is hopefully a good sign seeing how last winter’s well publicized activity turned out) let’s just pretend for a minute that John Henry’s testicles have been liberated from his new wife’s handbag. Of course, being huge (figuratively, not physically) fans of The Ballpark, they wrote us a letter.

Dear GetOutofMyBallpark,

We, John Henry’s Nuts, have been cooped up ever since the end of the 2008 season and want revenge for our lack of participation in the Mark Teixeira debacle. Fortunately we have a plan, and one which allows the Sox to stay competitive in the future, which will help the Sox win now and get that diamond studded Prince Albert that we have always wanted as a championship ring.

The first step is the most obvious; throw piles of money at Jason Bay. The guy is good. He hits for more power and takes more walks than Matt Holliday, and most importantly has proven himself to be a force in the American League and the pressure cooker of Boston. He has already learned to play the wall and will probably cost less. Holliday, who is also very good, had a bad experience in the AL last season, has never played in a market like Boston (St. Louis doesn’t count; their fans never complain), and is represented by Scott Boras, the third biggest douche in baseball. Holliday does hit for more average, and has pretty good power, but for the money he isn’t a significant upgrade.

He May Look Funny But He Sure Pitches Good.

The next step is to sign John Lackey. We know that he can’t close his mouth, but the fact is that the guy can pitch. He has been the ace of the Angels for the past five years, and has led them to the playoffs each time. Though he hasn’t had the innings that are expected of him the past two seasons (both started late due to injuries), he has been a horse down the stretch both years and in his last completely healthy season of 2007, he was 19-9 with a 3.01 ERA. Considering the fact that guys like Joel Piniero (remember him) and Randy Wolf (great porn name) are said to be looking for $10 million per (Wolf is about to get $30 million over three from Milwaukee), the better deal is to pay a guy who is better and more consistent less than twice that.

That move would give the Sox a rotation of  Beckett, Lackey, Lester, Matsuzaka and Wakefield. Why no Buchholz? That is the third part of the plan.

The Red Sox have the single best trading chip in the entirety of Major League Baseball, a young, semi-proven pitcher (whose wife is one of our personal favorites) over whom they still have five years of control (including arbitration years). This can be flipped for any number of things including Roy Halladay (who becomes redundant because of the Lackey signing and probably ends up in Anaheim as a non threat), and more importantly, a power hitter. The last part of the plan is to make Clay Buchholz into Miguel Cabrera or (preferrably) Adrian Gonzalez.

What the Red Sox really need to add is young power. Giving up a guy like Casey Kelly or Ryan Westmoreland along with Buchholz for a guy who can impact the club not just for a few years, like Halladay would, but for a long time like either Cabrera or Gonzalez would is a smart bet. Half of the guys that are called can’t miss prospects never pan out. We all know this, and we are ready to pull the trigger.

Thanks,

Lance and Miguel, also known as John Henry’s Testicles.

Unfortunately, this was all pretend, just like the time Stewie killed Lois. John Henry’s balls are firmly wrapped up in Linda Pizzuti’s handbag and don’t seem to be coming out anytime soon. Theo wants to maintain leverage and doesn’t admit that the Sox ca go out and spend the same kind of money that the Yanks and Angels can. If only he would realize that his fans want to win now and deal with the future then. If only.

Go Sox.

71 Days.

Done.

Marco Scutaro and other Baseless Speculation on the Red Sox Hot Stove Season.

This video is serious, by the way… not like, from me… but someone actually made it… in real life…

…With only a few days left until the Winter Meetings (my favorite non-baseball season week of the year), nobody really has any idea what is going on with the Red Sox. Last year we all knew that they were going to go hard after the guy whose balls are in Leigh Teixeira’s handbag (obviously not hard enough) and that the Yanks were going to sign a fat guy. In the weeks since the end of the season, there have been rumors of everything from the Sox getting Roy Halladay for Buchholz and Casey Kelly (who is both a shortstop and starting pitcher), to them signing Matt Holiday instead of Jason Bay so that they could net an extra draft pick, to Theo giving up his first born, Mike Lowell and the souls of half the front office to get Hanley Ramirez back and end the curse of Nomar.

SCOOOOOOOOOOOOT

The most recent word with any certainty is that Marco Scutaro, a career utility player who managed to put in a career year last season in Toronto, wants to come to Boston and the team has sent Allard Baird to see him work out and requested his medical records. Of course, this wouldn’t have been necessary if the team (meaning Theo, who really has to prove his shit this offseason) hadn’t crapped the bed when they had a chance to resign Alex Gonzalez, who has been the closest thing to an actual shortstop that the Sox have had since Cabrera and his “off-field issues” departed after 2004. The most recent report is that Scutaro is about to sign a two year deal, with an option for a third, which should be just enough time to let Jose Iglesias (by all reports he does not have a large facial mole), the Sox wiz kid shortstop of the future, to season in the minors. With the option of Gonzalez off the table, this is the best move possible.

Contrary to popular opinion, this move does not take away the possibility of the return of Hanley. Scutaro is a much better defensive shortstop (and by much better I mean that Hanley sucks) and Ramirez could be an answer in the outfield if Bay doesn’t return.

Please come home.

The other thing we know is that the team is putting on the full court press to re sign Jason Bay, and that Matt Holliday is not really on the radar. Bay is the best fit, having proven that he can thrive in the atmosphere of Boston and the American League, which Holliday has yet to do. Holliday’s only AL experience to this point, in fact, was a disastrous experience with the A’s at the start of last season, where he hit .286 with 11 HR and 54 RBI in 93 games. When he returned to St. Louis, had Albert Pujols protecting him, and was in the more comfortable National League again, Holliday hit .353, with 13 HR and 55 RBI in Only 63 games. There will be competition for Bay’s services, though, seeing as he is the most complete, proven player on the market. He recently turned down the Sox 4 year, $60 Million offer, and is getting interest from the Yanks (who declined arbitration on John Damon and are in the market for a left fielder), Seattle (Bay’s adopted home town) and likely the Angels among others. I say Theo should give him the “FU J.D.” deal of five years and $80 million, just to show Drew that he doesn’t deserve to be the highest paid player on a perennial contender.

Mrs. About To Be Traded For A Power Hitter

Free agents aside, and there aren’t many other big name ones to speak of, the Sox look to be movers and shakers in the trading market. From using all of the blackmail materials that Theo has on Hoyer from their years together to get Adrian Gonzalez, to trying to pry Hanley Ramirez back from the Marlins to undo the trade that Theo would never have made had he not run away in a gorilla suit in the fall of 2006. These are all just ideas, and apparently the GMs get together at the meetings and just throw packages at each other (just like you and your buddies do in bars or in front of the TV at home). The Sox do have what seems to be the strongest trading chip of the offseason in Clay Buchholz, a young, cheap pitcher who is improving fast and the team still has control over for five seasons.

Hello, my name is Miguel and my wife kicked my ass.

The one idea I still don’t like is giving up Buchholz for Roy Halladay. Halladay is one of the best pitchers in the Majors and has been for a while, but he is 34, and will either be a one year loaner or a guy you have to give $20 million per to keep. This is the same argument I made when the Sox were thinking of trading Lester, Coco and Lowrie to the Twins for Johan Santana. Then as now, I said the only reason to make the deal is to keep him away from the Yanks. A much better path to follow is using that chip (Clay) to acquire a young power hitter in the way of a Gonzalez or Miguel Cabrera (that is only possible thanks to the auto industry collapsing all over Detroit). Gonzalez is preferable since he doesn’t already have the big dollar deal, but aside from the drinking and getting his ass kicked by his wife, Cabrera is supposedly a great clubhouse guy who would be a prefect replacement for Ortiz at DH after his contract expires next fall. Cabrera isn’t as good defensively as Gonzalez, and would likely be more of a DH than a first baseman, but if Lars Anderson ever pans out in the minors we’ve got that covered.

Then again, I have no f#$%ing clue what is going to happen.

Go Sox.

76 days.

Done.

Sweet Lou… Coachin’ It Up from the Big Show

Sweet Lou

So I’m driving to BC this afternoon, during the Big Show shift on EEI and Sweet Lou Merloni, the Pride of Framingham, chimed in with some great Buchholz insight–>  Everybody seems to be all over this kid for not being intense enough, but Lou’s perspective is that the rat faced weasel needs to care less.

The best game he’s tossed this campaign was the July 17 spot start he made before Wake went down. 5 2/3 deep, 1 run off 4 hits, 3K’s and 3 BB’s.  Buchholz new he was getting sent back to Pawtucket (prior to Wake, remember), and after the game he  said to the Press: “I pitched my game.”

Just a current lack of swagger... The ghost of ABA is calling for you!

THAT’s what we need from him. And in order to get it, the Sox need to commit to the kid. (This according to Merloni.) His take is that the organization needs to sit Clay down and say: “You’re our guy, you’re not going anywhere, now get out there and be the guy we think you are.”

Merloni furthered the point by saying if it comes down to sitting through Smoltz suffering or Buchholz suffering, we stick with Buc. We didn’t make the Halladay trade, the deadline has come and gone, and this is our squad.

Buchholz is currently 1-1 with a 6.04 ERA, 14 K’s and 11 walks.

Now go freakin’ pitch.

StartMattCassel

Note To Theo and the Red Sox: One Game is Too Much, Now You Can Blow It Up.

In the words of my dear Sister, OH MY GOD! What are we going to do? We have only 69 games left (I admit I made a mistake yesterday when I forgot those last two games, please feel free to crucify me for it in the comments section) to recover from this awful four game losing streak and a one game deficit in the division. Holy Crap.

I don’t know what we should do first, trade the Portland Sea Dogs (and the city of Portland, with an offer of all of Maine just in case) for Roy Halladay, or ship off Brad Penny to wherever we can get a hitter from, or have John Smoltz euthanized.

The pink areas now belong to the Toronto Blue Jays

And now Wakefield is on the DL, so we’re really screwed. I think I’m actually going to just move to Tajikistan (real place) so that I don’t have to worry about thet huge one game lead that the Yanks have with only 69 games to go. Has any team ever come that far back this late in the season?

And for all of you that aren’t freaking out right now, think about this. Josh Beckett lost last night. He can’t ever lose again if we are going to win the division. The Yanks are even winning with Sergio Mitre on the mound, and he wasn’t good enough for the Marlins.

Not Good....... Again

Don’t even get me started on the bats. The Sox are clearly not just going through a road slump like they did at the start of the season. they haven’t scored more than four runs since the break and can’t get a big hit. David Ortiz is never going to hit another home run, and Kevin Youkilis might as well just shave his beard because it’s power seems to have waned. Pedroia is too small and somebody needs to turn the emotions chip in J.D. Drew’s body back on.

Plus, I think Tito’s gone senile with his new pomegranate green tea commercials. Fruit is for hippies.

You know what we need? Rodimus Prime.

(Reverse Cheer Complete)

Go Sox.

Done.

Say Goodbye To Lugowood. And Canada.

I Suck

Well, that time has come, and Julio Lugo is no longer a member of the Boston Red Sox. He was designated for assignment by the club, to be traded or released within the next ten days (retroactive to last Friday), and seeing as he has sucked away money and time from the team for the past 2-1/2 seasons, his departure is a long awaited respite from sucking. With the absence of Lugo, Lowrie was added back to the roster and hit a bomb in his first game as he continues to rehab his knee and wrist. Of course, this means that we add him to Nick Green, who has sucked a lot less than Lugo, Renteria or anyone else since Nomar was good in 2002 (except Alex Gonzalez, who was awesome). I’m not going to miss him, or his errors, inability to turn a DP, or ability to kill a rally. It’ll be great when the Sox get back to Fenway so that I can bask in the glow of a Lugoless ballclub.

Doesn't this kind of look like he's wearing a powder blue BJs uniform?

Have I mentioned lately that I hate it when the Sox are on the road, especially in Canada? They can never seem to get it together up there, this time losing two of three to the fourth place Blue Jays and falling to just one game ahead of the Yanks in the division. Yesterday was a Roy Halladay game, one where Jon Lester pitched well enough to get the win but came up against the hopefully NL bound buzzsaw known as Doc Halladay. It was vintage Roy, a complete game (so there is no hope of getting to him by beating the bullpen), with no walks (low pitch count) and six K’s (usually at the most inopportune time for the Sox). But at least the rumor mill today indicates that the Phillies are the most likely destination for Halladay, giving them the odds on chance of being the NL team that loses to the Sox in the World Series.

Tonight the Sox get to Texas, where the Rangers have been a surprise but have been sucking lately. Let’s jump on that like Quagmire on a sleeping teenager.

Go Sox.

Done.

Keep Your Halladay Off My Body.

Jose Offerman Body

Today is the day to convince the Yankees that they don’t want Roy Halladay so that they don’t go after them and we aren’t forced to trump them with a better deal. Halladay is going up against Lester, who has been dealing in that “he could bang my wife and I’d give him a high five afterwards” kind of way lately. Meanwhile, Halladay is auditioning for a move to a contender so that he can get the long awaited meaningful fall baseball that he has deserved in his career. I hope he gets it, but not with the Red Sox.

Lars Loves America. He Doesn't Want To Play In Canada.

Roy Halladay is a great pitcher, and he would make the Sox the odds on favorites to win the World Series. With a rotation of Beckett, Lester, Halladay and Wakefield (who is still leading the league in wins and cannot be overlooked), the Sox would be unbeatable in the playoffs, and for much of the rest of the regular season. He is also under contract for the 2010 season, meaning that the Sox would have 1-1/2 seasons of guaranteed Doc. The reasons to make the trade are the stuff of most fans’ dreams (SMC has a boner while reading this, I’ll bet a dollar on it), but it is a move that the Sox should avoid making at all costs (except to stop the Pinstriped Assholes from getting him).

Why?

First and foremost there is the fact that it would take some of the Sox top prospects out of the system, and put them into the hands of a team that we have to face eighteen times per season. Clay Buchholz, who we all saw pitch very well Friday night, Michael Bowden, Daniel Bard and Lars Anderson are all guys who can be counted on to help the organization reload once players like ‘Tek, Ortiz, Lowell, Drew and the rotating cast of one year contracts are gone. If we make this deal, there is a chance that they are all gone to a division rival and in the 2010-11 off season we might lose the guy that we got to replace them.

If we trade Buchholz, there will be fewer penthouse pets in Boston.

And then there’s the money. After next season, Beckett and Halladay will both have expiring contracts. I say this not in the NBA “Expiring Contract” sexy kind of way but in the “holy shit we have to pony up $20 million per season to resign each of these guys” kind of way. The Sox (and by that I mean Theo and his guys) have structured the contracts of this team carefully so that they can have flexibility and freedom in the way that they spend in the upcoming years. A big part of that flexibility is having the cheap talent (not hookers) coming up through the system. Without the young guys who they have six years of control over to slot into positions that are vacated, they might not have the financial means to sign Joe Mauer (10 years, $200 million in a second), or the other types of high priced free agents that allow the Sox to continue to compete in the best division in baseball.

So today the Sox need to go out there and rough him up so that the Yanks don’t want him, and make him not want to come here because he’s bitter (and his ERA at Fenway is his highest at any Major League park). And Since when does Zepchinski start with an R?

Go Sox.

Done.

Tim Wakefield Should Start the All-Star Game for the AL.

Yes, Joe, I'd shoot myself in the head if I were you too.

Joe Maddon has one hell of a decision to make. For the first time in history, the manager of the freaking Tampa Bay Devil Rays (a team that represents a body of water, not a city, state of group of people) will be managing the American League  in the 2009 MLB All-Star Game. There are five pitchers who have legitimate reason to be starting the game for the AL: Zack Greinke, Roy Halladay, Mark Buehrle, Josh Beckett and Tim Wakefield (Felix Hernandez is a joke). Each of these guys has at least nine wins and has been consistently solid for their team all season.  There are other reasons for each of them, but when it comes down to it, Wakefield is the one who deserves it.

He's not really that small, he's just 3-3 in his last 7 starts.

Greinke was the Cy Young winner six weeks into the season, not having given up more than one earned run in a start and having an ERA of something like -12. Halladay is the workhorse, always consistent who leads the league in complete games every year. Buehrle is 9-2 with a 3.14 ERA. Beckett has been the best pitcher in the game since the start of June and is tied with Greinke, Halladay and Kevin Slowey with 10 wins. All of these guys have legit reasons to get the nod, but Maddon should go with Wakefield.

First and foremost there is the fact that as of today (Halladay is pitching tonight), The Elder Statesman of the Red Sox rotation is the league leader in wins. He got his 11th W last night thanks to 6+ innings of three run ball (which would have been one if Nick Green could have found the goddamn bag to get the double play), four RBIs, including a monster bomb from The Hitting Zombie (David Ortiz), and some nifty defense from Dustin Pedroia. He is tied for the Major League lead in wins with Jason Marquis of the Rockies, and would have more if his bullpen and hitters had come to play as well as he has.

The Rotting Corpse of David Ortiz has risen.

(A Digression: I usually don’t argue with Official Scorers. Those guys have tough jobs. They have to decide whether a play should have been made, and it’s usually a split second decision. Yesterday, however, when they changed the ruling on Nick Green not being able to find second base at a time when it would have prevented two runs from scoring, they got it wrong. They went back and changed it, and didn’t rely on what they saw originally, turning their back on their gut reaction, and also ignoring the fact that it was a play that should have been made. It was an error, and Timmmmmmmmaaaaay’s ERA suffered because of it.)

This could be any pitch he has thrown in the past 15 years. That's called consistent.

He also has been the stopper all year for the team. When they were 2-6 after eight games and scuffling against good and bad pitching on the West Coast, Wakefield came out and spent seven innings flirting with a no hitter in a game that sent the Sox off on a tear, leading them to the best record in the AL. He is 7-1 in his last 10 games (the Sox are 8-2) and he is 7-0 at home. He has stopped losing streaks and given the bullpen days off (2 CG, 8 IP twice in his last 10 games) and been as consistent as a guy who throws the knuckler can be.

We still don't want you.

All of the other starting possibilities have drawbacks. Beckett is starting sunday and won’t be available (god willing), Greinke has been falling back to earth in the past six weeks, going 2-4 in June and July with an ERA near four. Halladay is pitching tonight and will be on schedule, but while he has gone 5-1 his team has gone 5-5 in his last ten starts, and he hasn’t been giving them the chance to win. Buerhle is not really an option, as he has been too inconsistent throughout the year. Wakefield is solid, he has shown that he can throw whenever and he will be on regular rest on Tuesday night.

Finally, there is the strategy involved. As we all know “this one counts,” and Maddon has to win this game so that game 1 of the World Series can be at Fenway Park. Wake throws a pitch which not every catcher has experience with and of the two AL all-star catchers (he can’t bring George with him) only starter Joe Mauer  has ever handled the knuckler. Putting Wake in there in the late innings, as some have suggested, because he can throw forever, would be a huge risk with Victor Martinez behind the plate. Starting the old man would give you the opportunity to let a 42 year old pitcher get his first All-Star experience, take away the risk of having him throw to someone who can’t catch his knuckler, and make the Red Sox fans hate Maddon a bit less (even though he does whee those hipster goddamn glasses).

Go Sox.

Done.