The End of a Long National Nightmare

The look on A-Rods face almost makes up for how bad Beckett and Drew sucked this year.

Thank You, Texas.

Wow, I never thought I’d appreciate anything from Texas as much as I do the Rangers this morning.

In case you missed it, the Rangers finally put down the Yankees (like the ugly dog at the shelter who never gets adopted. (Note: I do not mean that the senseless killing of these animals is a good thing, like the Yankees losing, but just that they did it in a similar undeniable fashion.)) last night by finishing them off in game six of the ALCS. Along with being the first time the Rangers have punched a ticket to the World Series in their 49 year history (originally as the second team to bear the name Washington Senators), it frees us from one more week or, god forbid, an entire winter of endless Yankee talk. No A-Douche on Letterman, no talk of Joe Girardi changing his number again (he had 27 last season and after winning the title changed to 28, kind of like Rick Fox wearing number 17 after going to the Lakers because he had been so disappointed to never win Banner 17 for the C’s), no Sports Illustrated special edition commercials about the Yankees. It comes as a relief to us all.

To the Sox, and their fans, this means that we can finally focus on the offseason and plans for 2011. While the Globe and Herald have already run their lists of potential free agent targets and decisions that need to be made by the Sox (mention must be made of the terrific prognostication and reporting done by Gordon Edes in his ESPNBoston.com blog), the fans, such as myself, have been focused on supporting the Twins and Rangers in their hopes to prevent another title by those pinstriped assholes to the south.

In the coming weeks we will have plenty of time to preview what figures to (and had f#$%ing better) be a very busy Hot Stove season for Theo and Co, but for today let’s just enjoy all of the video of the Yanks walking off the field looking dejected and miserable and look forward to what is undoubtedly going to be an amazing matchup in game one of the World Series, Lee at Halladay or Lincecum.

Ridiculous.

Thanks Rangers. Go Sox.

Done.

Hey, At Least The Celtics Won.

This is all I have to say to that first Yankees fan who pops his head into my office today with the sole intention of making somebody who they have to spend every day around feel bad when they are in the minority and know that it will piss off the person who is effectively their boss:

And they are really bad f#$%ing losers ( I don’t know who this person is but I found the picture at this hilarious myspace page. Further proof that myspace is for white trash). Just look at last year, and 2007 and 2007 and 1966. I can’t wait for the first Yankees fan comment on this post to prove my point. A-Rod still has bitch tits and he still took steroids.

But hey, the Celtics are 6-0.

Go Sox.

101 Days.

Done.

Where Have You Gone Pedro Martinez? A Nation Turns Its Lonely Eyes To You.

Just a couple a guys horsin' around.

I never thought I’d be so excited for another Pedro Martinez start. I remember when he cam to Boston in the winter of 1998. All of a sudden there were people from the Dominican Republic everywhere. Italian guys with George Hamilton tans were all of a sudden waiving Dominican flags and pretending to be just like Pedro. He made it cool to be a Sox fan again, gave us hope that even in the midst of the least hateable Yankees run possible (you couldn’t hate Torre, because he’s just a stand up guy, and Jeter was still a superstar who played the game right, worked hard and deserved everything that he got, unlike now. Yes, that is the least hateable Yankees team, except for when they suck), our long national nightmare, also known as 86 years o’ pain, was coming to an end.

Just a couple a guys horsin' around.

Pedro was appointment viewing in the days before TiVo made that obsolete. Every time he took the ball he could do something amazing. Would he pitch ten perfect innings and then lose because his team couldn’t score (that once happened to him), or would he give up three homers in five innings and go down in flames (also happened)? No matter whether he pitched well or poorly, Pedro was the freaking man. All you need to do is make a list of the things he did in his first few seasons here to remember how great he was: 17 K one hit in Yankee Stadium, Game 5 1999 ALDS, carrying around a celebrity (apparently he was huge in the DR) midget for the second half of the 2004 season, using more Soul Glo than Eriq LaSalle in Coming to America. Just to name a few.

Oh ya, he's a gamer, too.

And tonight, as he takes the mound against Andy Pettite in a match up which would have had every Fox executive walking around with a huge erection ten years ago, we fans of the Boston Red Sox turn to Pedro again.

This time we turn to him not to help us erase nearly a century worth of misery and pain, but to save us from a winter full of the same. The Yankees fans, never believers in not counting their chickens before they have hatched, are already coming out of the woodwork. A whole new generation of douchebag pink hat Yankees fans are all of a sudden telling us how they have suffered through the past nine years, and how the Yankees did it the right way. They keep walking into my office and saying, “How about those Yankees?”

GOOOOOOOOO 'DRO!

We need Pedro to keep us from a winter of these people having their delusions fed into by the media. Sure, Joe Buck is already planning the train the Yanks are going to run on him after the Series, and it was hard to understand McCarver (moreso than usual) as he tried to call the game with A-Rod’s steroid reduced balls in his mouth, but the rest of the media has so far been uncontaminated. And we all know that the worst is yet to come, with Rodriguez’ first ring will come the inevitable book (he may be illiterate, but if Johnny Damon can write a book so can he) and ESPN’s retrospective on A-Rod as the greatest player ever. Teixeira would grace the cover of a Wheaties box telling kids to eat healthy and work hard so that someday their wife can carry their balls in her purse. A.J. Burnett and C.C. Sabathia will open up their on line of soaps (made Fightclub style from fat liposuctioned out of Sabathia’s ass) and shaving creams (perfect for pieing the faces of guys who are less overpaid than you and actually contribute).

So please Pedro, let your Soul Glo, and give us one more night of baseball, and a better chance of not having to hide until pitchers and catchers report. Another playoff collapse for the Yanks would just be icing on the cake.

Go Sox.

102 Days.

Done.

It’s a bright day… kinda

Chase Utley loves puppies.

Cliff Lee and Chase Utley did their best 2007 Josh Becket and David Ortiz impersonations last night and effectively sent the World Series back to New York for a game six. Although Utley is still considerably less Dominican, he has emerged as the bat not to throw at in the series. Unfortunately, the Yankees will probably adjust at home and kick the Phillies asses all over the field. The injustice in all of this is that I don’t want either team to win… and I may even want the Phillies to lose more than the Yankees… I mean… ya, cheese steaks are nice… but do they really deserve another Championship? That being said, the Yankees are evil and should have all of their toes removed by a Cambodian woman with bad teeth.

I’m just… feeling so conflicted today…

StartMattCassel

Great Jim Bouton Reference.

 

Huge Balls

From Extra Bases:

 

Hamels hung the curveball and Pettitte lined it into center field for an RBI single, the first by a Yankees pitcher in the World Series since Jim Bouton in 1964 against the Cardinals.

If you haven’t read it, Ball Four is one of the purest books on professional baseball. ever

F#$% the Yankees. I guess the whole story is that the devil wins.

Go Sox.

105 Days.

Done.

The Scariest Thing I Can Think Of.

The Yankees Win. Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu Yankees Win.

I f#$%ing hate John Sterling. Oddly, being naked under a pile of thirty guys is A-Rod’s greatest fantasy. Go Phillies.

Happy Halloween. Be safe tonight.

Go Sox.

106 Days.

Done.

Apparently, Cliff Lee is the Yankees’ Daddy.

Have you ever been really excited to show off your new apartment to some friends, and then some guy shows up, beats the crap out of you, poops on your couch and then lights your bed on fire? That’s what the Yankees feel like today after what Cliff Lee did to them. In the Steinbrenners’ first chance to show off their billion dollar monument to being whores (and taxpayer money) on the world wide scale, the Phillies spoiled the party by dominating the Yanks on both sides of the ball and ruining the return of Aura and Mystique (Schilling’s favorite strippers) to the Series. He shut down the best offensive team money can buy (one run on six hits in a complete game), while also giving the atomic finger to a former teammate who got all the attention even while Lee was winning an AL Cy Young.

Just Walk Away. You Are Not Good.

And it felt great for me. Every Yankees fan I’ve seen today looks like somebody shit in their cereal. Douche-Rod, who had switched bodies with David Ortiz circa 2004 for most of the playoffs, was back to his old self, putting up an 0-4 night with three Ks. Teixeira was almost as bad, coming one K short of matching Rodriguez in complete uselessness (thought Rodriguez still has bigger tits). The entire team was shut down by Lee, who has done nothing but dominate since coming over in the Indians fire sale at the deadline.

That Was A Great Pitch......... For a Camel To Jizz On.

On the other side of the ball, Sabathia, the $161 Million man, got hammered by Chase Utley twice and after he was out, it took five relievers to get 6 outs, while giving up four more runs. He missed his location and became the first left handed pitcher to give up two homers to a lefty hitter not named Babe Ruth. On the second shot he also clearly shook off Posada twice, proving that it was his own shitty idea to throw a pitch right down the pipe to Utley.

Feel The Awesomeness.

The secret to Utley’s power is not in his hours of practice, or his tremendous ability, but in his magical hair. If you were watching last night after his second homer, you saw how majestic it was. It looked like something that you will see kids wearing on Saturday night, made of rubber and not moving unless you take a jackhammer to it. I don’t know what was in it (SMC suggested camel semen, and he had to ask some chick how to spell semen), but whatever it was, they should have used it to hold together Yankee Stadium’s crumbing foundation.

Tonight a lonely Red Sox nation (and Phillies fans, if anyone actually cares about them) turns its eyes to an old friend. Pedro Martinez, who did not in fact die after the 2004 season, will take the hill tonight in the new Asshole of the Universe, and try to give his Daddy a beating of his own. If you are wondering whether or not it is O.K. to root for Pedro, who some felt betrayed by because he took more money and more years from the Mets after 2004, the answer is yes. Pedro changed everything for us. He helped make it cool to be a Sox fan again, and made at least one out of every five games definite appointment viewing. Add to that the fact that he is playing the Yankees and will have to deal with 45,000 effheads yelling “Who’s Your Daddy” and that the oil in his hair (You’ve Gotta Let Your Soul Glo) could heat the North End for the winter, and every Sox fan should be rooting for Pedro like the old days.

Go Pedro. Go Sox.

108 Days.

Done.

Please, Phillies, Please Beat the Yankees, If Only to Make Their Fans Shut Up.

I know, coming from a belligerent, angry, asshole Red Sox fan, that sounds like the biggest bunch of hypocrisy since Keith Richards told kids not to do drugs. Since the Greatest Postseason Comeback (Yankees Choke) in the history of sports, we have been rubbing every success in the faces of our rivals to the south. People all over the country got sick of us and our prolonged celebration of how great Boston and all of our teams are. So me asking the Phillies to win to keep the Yankees fans from being able to talk, may strike many as overkill, but really, it will be better for all of us.

Let me first tell you where from where I am coming (sounds weird, doesn’t it, but that is the proper English). I have been a Sox fan since a glove and hat were put in my crib when I was born just a Dwight Evans throw from the ballpark. The first scarring moment came when my parents woke me up, as so many did, to see the Sox win it all in ’86. That did not work out well. For the next eighteen years, through good and bad Sox teams, I had to deal with my Yankees fan cousins, one of whom has never lost an argument, at least in his eyes, telling me how much I should be ashamed of my allegiance to the Red Sox.

And then there was 2003. It didn’t matter to them that the Yanks lost the Series, or that the Sox had just as good a team as they had. They were merciless, brutalizing my already fragile ego and coming as close as anyone ever has to making me believe that the Sox weren’t ever going to win a title.

As I come to you today, I am humbling myself. Tony Massaroti, normally a level headed writer, wrote this afternoon on Boston.com about how Sox fans should root for the Yankees to win in order to bring some heat back to the rivalry and convince Theo and the Trio to spend the cash that they need to to bring the club back to the top. I say that we are already there. I’m angry that a few million bucks and the fact that Leigh Teixeira firmly holds her husbands balls in her purse kept the Sox from getting over the top, and now that same asshole is on the cusp of a title. I’m angry that a blue lipped, bitch tit sprouting, Madonna banging (then again who hasn’t) classless fuck got further into October than the Sox. They don’t need to win a title to make me, or most Sox fans, angry. That is already happening.

What does need to happen is that the Phillies need to put them in their place. Although I have no particular love for the Phils, they all seem like class guys, and none of them have ever done anything that pissed me off enough to hope they get a particularly virulent strain of herpes. They need to do it for me, for you and for every other Sox fan who has to put up with Yankees fans at work, in their family, or within 500 miles of them. They need to keep us from a winter of 13 year old kids who root for the Yankees just to piss off people telling them about how their team is so awesome and have won 27 titles (only one of which they remember).

Phillies, please do what Curt Schilling, himself a former Phillie, said he would do when he got to Boston, and make 55,000 Yankees fans shut the fuck up. The rest of them will do the same.

Go Sox.

109 Days.

Done.

I Love Looking at This

I got so drunk that night.

It still makes me smile, and get a little teary eyed.

Only two more days until we are all basking in the sun at Fenway, Even if it’s raining.

Go Sox.

Done.

If a tree fell on the Phillies, would anyone care?